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One Year Grumpiversary

In honor of their first year online Tim and John watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation with running commentary:

sirtmagus: ok stinkfist
sirtmagus: I’m READY when you are
JohnnyMora: now i’m not ready
JohnnyMora: JUST KIDDING
sirtmagus: \:[
JohnnyMora: gooooo
sirtmagus: LOADING
sirtmagus: LOOOOOOOOOOOOAD
JohnnyMora: I'm 9 seconds in
sirtmagus: OK ME TOO
sirtmagus: GO GO GO
JohnnyMora: This fucking techno song
sirtmagus: Fuck yooou, New Line.
JohnnyMora: It's like the generic techno song
JohnnyMora: How did MK get this song?
sirtmagus: It is. It IS the techno song.
sirtmagus: *THE techno song.
JohnnyMora: Is it originally theirs? Did they adapt it? The world may never care.
JohnnyMora: OH WHOA THAT TITLE
JohnnyMora: IS IN MY FACE
sirtmagus: oh wow
JohnnyMora: Like this movie respects Buddhism in the least.
sirtmagus: What a cheap recap.
JohnnyMora: What a cheap recap of a cheap movie.
JohnnyMora: BOOMING VOICEOVER
JohnnyMora: OF WHOEVER
JohnnyMora: Oh god.
JohnnyMora: These effects. Were we ever impressed?
sirtmagus: In 1995 I might have been. A tiny bit. But that was the first movie.
sirtmagus: I knew this was crap when I first rented it.
JohnnyMora: Here's a bit of embarrassing trivia.
JohnnyMora: I willin--oh god
sirtmagus: WHOA ERMAC
JohnnyMora: Motaro just derailed my train of thought.
JohnnyMora: GO AWAY NEW RAIDEN
sirtmagus: Well that's obviously not Christopher Lambert.
sirtmagus: You know you're in trouble when RUSSEL NASH says no to your movie.
JohnnyMora: This guy playing Shao Khan never acted before. Ever. In any way.
JohnnyMora: He is the most truthful person ever.
JohnnyMora: And Robin Shou can barely speak English.
sirtmagus: No, dude, he totally did. he was the alien assassin in X-Files.
JohnnyMora: was he?
sirtmagus: Pretty sure.
JohnnyMora: Then why can't he ACT
sirtmagus: He was a silent alien killer! He was like poor man's Terminator.
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: His VOICE!
JohnnyMora: He's the most petulant dictator ever
sirtmagus: AS LONG AS YOUR PORTAL REMAINS OPEN -- so suggestive.
JohnnyMora: His voice almost CRACKS
sirtmagus: Seriously.
JohnnyMora: such flabby pecs
sirtmagus: I like how they just leap into each other.
JohnnyMora: and awful dubbed in sound effects from the game
JohnnyMora: Is Uwe Boll REALLY worse than this?
JohnnyMora: OH NO
JohnnyMora: THE FEET
sirtmagus: I'm almost curious enough to find out if he is.
JohnnyMora: Why is a tough federal agent or whatever a BLONDE MODEL
JohnnyMora: oh noooo
JohnnyMora: Johnny Cage
sirtmagus: Is Robin Shou the ONLY one from the last movie??
JohnnyMora: We cared about youuuuu
JohnnyMora: Johnny's returning. I think.
JohnnyMora: And Kitana.
sirtmagus: hey
sirtmagus: I think raiden was in BSG.
JohnnyMora: As who?
sirtmagus: He was Tom Zarek's crony.
sirtmagus: On Kobol.
JohnnyMora: :s
sirtmagus: {:3
sirtmagus: IT HAS BEGUN!!
JohnnyMora: Sheeva, why is that such a cool prospect, bowing down to Shao Khan?
JohnnyMora: It just means more competition to blow him.
JohnnyMora: THIS PLOT IS BARRELLING FORWARD
JohnnyMora: ...
JohnnyMora: did
sirtmagus: This movie doesn't skip a beat!
JohnnyMora: someone just yell lalilulelo?
sirtmagus: I thought it was "Annihiliate 'em!"
JohnnyMora: Why do these ninjas keep PAUSING.
JohnnyMora: And maybe it was.
JohnnyMora: But Shao Khan has mushmouth
JohnnyMora: OH HERE COMES A DRASTIC SHIFT IN TONE
sirtmagus: True. They should've cast Frank Langella. That guy annunciates the shit out of words.
JohnnyMora: I like how this movie world has a bunch of fake rules that everyone angsts over.
JohnnyMora: Rules that can and do change all the time.
sirtmagus: Constantly.
JohnnyMora: JUST THOUGHT I'D SHOOT LIGHTNING AT THAT DOUCHE OF A WALL
sirtmagus: What a mistake replacing Christopher Lambert, man.
JohnnyMora: Yup
sirtmagus: His voice is the best.
JohnnyMora: But he could smell a total stinker.
JohnnyMora: And quit trying to show emotion, Sonya.
JohnnyMora: INNER WINDS
sirtmagus: "The inner winds propel you?"
JohnnyMora: WILL COME
JohnnyMora: FROM MY BUTT
...
PART 2
...
sirtmagus: PART 2 GO
sirtmagus: "You did great last time, Liu."
JohnnyMora: YOU DID GRATE LAST TYM LOU
JohnnyMora: This is such a gay means of transportation.
sirtmagus: what the hell is this
sirtmagus: this is like Dr. Evil's escape pod.
JohnnyMora: It's like that part from FFIX.
JohnnyMora: Where you rode ants.
JohnnyMora: Or something.
JohnnyMora: through tunnels
sirtmagus: It's FF9 so I don't remember that at all.
JohnnyMora: THIS SPHERE RUNS ON SEXUAL CONTACT
JohnnyMora: QUICK, RUB UP AGAINST ME
sirtmagus: Oh wow
sirtmagus: PURPLE
JohnnyMora: That's what Outworld or whatever exports.
JohnnyMora: Purple
JohnnyMora: And lightning.
JohnnyMora: Is this...
JohnnyMora: Shao Khan?
sirtmagus: I think Peter Jackson aped this "zoom through entire country until you get to the villain's room" thing for Lord of the Rings.
JohnnyMora: Right.
JohnnyMora: This was the innovator of that.
sirtmagus: Absolutely. It. Is. GLORIOUS!!!
JohnnyMora: WHO IS THIS DOUCHE
sirtmagus: Shao Khan's mother?
JohnnyMora: His awful, bearded mother.
sirtmagus: Khan should never be allowed to take off his skull mask.
JohnnyMora: They needed Udo Kier for this role.
JohnnyMora: And I agree.
sirtmagus: oh DEFINITELY.
sirtmagus: Udo Kier improves anything.
JohnnyMora: Or change out of his awful gay barbarian costume.
sirtmagus: I wanna find that car commercial he was in.
JohnnyMora: noooo
JohnnyMora: :((
sirtmagus: "He iz... a MASTER of DISGUISE."
JohnnyMora: quiet moments
JohnnyMora: of character development
JohnnyMora: WASTED
JohnnyMora: On this movie
sirtmagus: I dunno if this means anything
sirtmagus: but Robin Shou was way way better in the first movie.
sirtmagus: This is just ghastly.
JohnnyMora: Well I'm sure he'll be lots better in the new Chun Li movie.
sirtmagus: HEY SMOKE
sirtmagus: NEAT
JohnnyMora: Playing a ninety million year old man.
JohnnyMora: IS IT?
JohnnyMora: Or is it just generic black mecha-ninja?
JohnnyMora: Smoke was tons better as a secret character in MK2, anyways.
sirtmagus: Yeah. Let's have no explanation for this android/cyborg/robot. Good idea, movie.
JohnnyMora: WHY IS KITANA FIGHTING WITH SWORDS
JohnnyMora: oh :3
JohnnyMora: I never understood why robots needed dreadlocks.
JohnnyMora: THE BEST WAY TO DODGE A MISSILE IS A BACKFLIP
JohnnyMora: Instead of going like an inch to the right or left.
JohnnyMora: Whoa, Sub Zero in perhaps the silliest entrance ever.
sirtmagus: Uncanny.
JohnnyMora: And he looks sickly thin in that outfit.
sirtmagus: Oh, you're Sub-Zero's brother?! Okay.
sirtmagus: What a CARTOON.
JohnnyMora: Well, that's how the game did it, too.
JohnnyMora: So.
JohnnyMora: Exactly what are they searching for?
sirtmagus: um. Wolf guy.
sirtmagus: The reason why is hilarious and awdul.
JohnnyMora: Is that a portmanteau of awful and dull?
JohnnyMora: GOD
JohnnyMora: THIS DUMB SCORPION VOICE
JohnnyMora: It's just the sound from the game.
sirtmagus: Scorpion's back and he's got two whip-snake things cuz it's the SEQUEL.
JohnnyMora: This set is the cheapest thing ever.
JohnnyMora: Ice that in no way resembles ice.
JohnnyMora: That's how COLD it is.
sirtmagus: It looks like Sci-Fi Channel stuff like Warbirds or Mansquito vs. Alligator.
JohnnyMora: This is also the dullest martial arts.
JohnnyMora: Everyone politely waits to be beaten up.
sirtmagus: And these fight scenes could not be -- yeah, exactly. How about some... excitement?
JohnnyMora: ...
JohnnyMora: Why did Scorpion melt?
JohnnyMora: When did Scorpion ever say SUCKERSSSSSS?
sirtmagus: I guess that's how he teleports.
...
PART 3
...
sirtmagus: GO PART 3
sirtmagus: ooh, low volume.
JohnnyMora: yeah
JohnnyMora: i'm not certain this wasn't a part of the awful production, either.
JohnnyMora: Is it like Los Angeles everywhere?
sirtmagus: Very possible. I'm curious how many parking lots and basements this was filmed in.
JohnnyMora: ...
JohnnyMora: what the fucking hell
JohnnyMora: How did she get to Jax?
sirtmagus: HAHA
sirtmagus: What a great intro for a character.
sirtmagus: Run in, find him on a table, wake him up.
sirtmagus: And he has metal arms. Okay!
JohnnyMora: That wasn't an introduction.
JohnnyMora: But no one ever liked Jax, anyways.
JohnnyMora: OH WOW
JohnnyMora: Who would've thought. Use your giant metal muscle arms to free yourself.
JohnnyMora: Our best and brightest.
sirtmagus: I remember he had a cheap leg sweep. But that could be ANYBODY IN THOSE GAMES.
JohnnyMora: UPPERCUT
sirtmagus: High school jokes! The first movie had one too.
JohnnyMora: [flies 20 feet in the air]
JohnnyMora: What…
JohnnyMora: IS this?
JohnnyMora: Cyrax or whoever?
sirtmagus: Cyrax shot out those lightsaber training things.
JohnnyMora: I haven’t played a MK game in about ten years.
sirtmagus: I was knee-deep in MK lore for a while. -(
sirtmagus: “I’ll take homeboy!”
sirtmagus: It’s amusing how this was in movie theaters.
sirtmagus: That guy only had like four bones in his whole skeleton!
sirtmagus: “Let’s do dis.” Jax has all the necessary black-isms to be a black character.
JohnnyMora: Really?
sirtmagus: “YEAH. NOW WHAT.”
JohnnyMora: I thought they’d been conservative with him.
JohnnyMora: He’s certainly no Cole Train.
sirtmagus: The camera all zoomed in.
sirtmagus: oh god, who IS?
JohnnyMora: what
JohnnyMora: was
JohnnyMora: that
JohnnyMora: that shot out of cyrax?
JohnnyMora: CGI dust?
sirtmagus: Lint.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: OF COURSE
JohnnyMora: AWKWARDLY INTRODUCE SONYA’S FATALITY
sirtmagus: Cyrax was easily defeated. A wall? And sand?
sirtmagus: Oh, I didn’t even make that connection.
sirtmagus: HUH
sirtmagus: That’s one advanced tattoo!
JohnnyMora: But I also want to know–HOLY GOD
JohnnyMora: FAKE EXPLOSION
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: YEAH
sirtmagus: Must’ve been fun to film.
JohnnyMora: Jesus Christ, these villain scenes are the highlight so far.
JohnnyMora: And…
JohnnyMora: that’s sad, because they’re pathetic.
sirtmagus: It’s such a cartoon conceit.
JohnnyMora: WHY ISN’T SHAO KHAN IN COSTUME
sirtmagus: The arguing henchmen.
sirtmagus: Might as well have King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard in there.
JohnnyMora: I hate arguing henchman scenes.
JohnnyMora: But these sorts of movies wouldn’t have any entertainment without them.
JohnnyMora: but man
JohnnyMora: who wouldn’t want eggplant wizard in this movie
sirtmagus: Lt. Gaeta.
JohnnyMora: How do these people hunt SOULS?
JohnnyMora: And what awful acting
JohnnyMora: not even hammy
JohnnyMora: flatter than milla jovovich’s chest
…
PART 4
…
sirtmagus: GO PART 4
JohnnyMora: YOU’RE MY QUEEN, SINDEL
JohnnyMora: YOU ARE PRETTY AND ONLY HAVE 2 ARMS
JohnnyMora: Thing is, this movie even fails at capturing how goofy and awful the game’s story REALLY is.
JohnnyMora: And I had a friend that had a ridiculous 400+ page novelization of the games with Kung Lao as the protagonist.
sirtmagus: :[
sirtmagus: i HAD THAT
JohnnyMora: GUITAR
JohnnyMora: WOLF
JohnnyMora: Did you REALLY have that?!
sirtmagus: yup.
JohnnyMora: IT'S MY ANIMALITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
sirtmagus: it was gory, man.
sirtmagus: Not for kids.
JohnnyMora: This guy's outfit has no reason to exist
sirtmagus: And it really made Scorpion sympathetic. =(
JohnnyMora: ...
JohnnyMora: :|
JohnnyMora: Don't be too sad.
JohnnyMora: I willingly wrote a review of this for our school paper and gave it a decent review.
sirtmagus: THIS movie?
JohnnyMora: I was also like 12.
sirtmagus: That's forgivable.
sirtmagus: Kids are DUMB.
JohnnyMora: This franchise's target audience.
JohnnyMora: The dumb.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: YOUR BROTHER'S SOUL IS MIIIIIINE
JohnnyMora: I miss him. :((
sirtmagus: Shang?
JohnnyMora: WHY DOESN'T SHAO WANT HIS SKULL HELMET
JohnnyMora: and quit saying animality, movie!
JohnnyMora: It's a dumb word.
JohnnyMora: BABALITY
JohnnyMora: Oh dear
JohnnyMora: who's this?
JohnnyMora: ...
JohnnyMora: Poor man's Bai Ling?
sirtmagus: oh god.
JohnnyMora: Awful stereotyped Asian sex machine.
sirtmagus: They did ANYTHING to fit in every stupid character.
JohnnyMora: Honestly.
sirtmagus: They were just palette-swapped copies!!
JohnnyMora: There's TOO MUCH fanservice.
JohnnyMora: The same could be said of the games, too.
JohnnyMora: People got SERIOUS about this shit.
sirtmagus: Absolutely. STRYKER?
sirtmagus: What a SHITHEAD.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: I liked playing as him.
JohnnyMora: And I remember when Jade in UMK3 was a big deal.
sirtmagus: Howso?
JohnnyMora: She got a new costume and moves and everything!
JohnnyMora: and I was 12
sirtmagus: Ah, right.
sirtmagus: What a dumb time. To be alive.
sirtmagus: Or GREAT TIME.
sirtmagus: I CANT' DECIDE!!
JohnnyMora: man
sirtmagus: she even looks like a cat.
JohnnyMora: I remember when getting MK Trilogy on N64, like, COMPLETED MY LIIIFE
sirtmagus: Like those cat clocks. With the moving eyes.
JohnnyMora: I was about to say.
JohnnyMora: She looks odd.
sirtmagus: Talk about your TIGER LADY.
JohnnyMora: Like Toon Link.
sirtmagus: I guess she's hot.
sirtmagus: WHAT DO I KNOW
JohnnyMora: Hotter than Bai Ling.
JohnnyMora: TAKE THAT, BAI LING
sirtmagus: I hope she comments on this.
JohnnyMora: Please accept this awful pottery, Kitana.
JohnnyMora: How can she NOT comment?
JohnnyMora: She's a total fame whore.
JohnnyMora: If we threw our own film festival, she'd somehow show up.
sirtmagus: And falls out of her computer chair triumphantly, and a camera crew walks by and sees her upskirt and she starts spasming voluptuously.
sirtmagus: squirming everywhere
JohnnyMora: ...WHAT?!
sirtmagus: suddenly she's covered in egg yolk.
JohnnyMora: }:3
...
PART 5
...
sirtmagus: GO PART 5
JohnnyMora: A STRUGGLING WYRMMM ON A HOOOK
JohnnyMora: Whatever, Shao Khan.
JohnnyMora: Where is Sonya GOING?
JohnnyMora: She has, like, no purpose.
sirtmagus: Kitana so could've been Tia Carrere.
JohnnyMora: I was about to say.
JohnnyMora: Why ISN'T she?
JohnnyMora: I never even had a chance to cast her.
JohnnyMora: ...
JohnnyMora: }:3
sirtmagus: That would've been great. She would've been on the soundtrack too.
JohnnyMora: I'MA SPIT
JohnnyMora: Jax, enunciate!
sirtmagus: god, you don't want Jax to spit.
JohnnyMora: His arms are awful.
JohnnyMora: HOW DID HE HOPE TO FUNCTION IN LIFE?
JohnnyMora: This is, like, the same ravine they filmed every awful 50s sci-fi movie in.
sirtmagus: jax just went insane.
sirtmagus: Star Trek episodes.
JohnnyMora: KNIIIIIVES
sirtmagus: heh. they let Sam Raimi film that shot.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: that rock was so FOAM
JohnnyMora: AHHHH MY HAIR
JohnnyMora: THE WORST PAIN EVERRRRRRRR
JohnnyMora: This is the biggest horny teen bait ever.
sirtmagus: this is... Mileena?
JohnnyMora: "SO THESE TWO HOT GIRLS FIGHT, RIGHT? BUT GET THIS: THEY'RE IN MUD! AWESOME, RIGHT?!?!?"
JohnnyMora: ...whoa
JohnnyMora: dragon tattoo
JohnnyMora: for no reason
JohnnyMora: came alive.
JohnnyMora: Jax is the worst black role model ever.
JohnnyMora: Ugh... I gotta go find a river
sirtmagus: He punched that thing in the BUTT.
JohnnyMora: [A MILLION NINJAS SHOW UP]
JohnnyMora: God, I don’t care about Raiden’s spiritual journey.
sirtmagus: I wish wish wish wish this was the Highlander. :(-(
JohnnyMora: Highlander THE ANIME?
sirtmagus: UGH
sirtmagus: Which is WORSE
sirtmagus: This or THAT?
JohnnyMora: TALKING SPOUT OF WATER
JohnnyMora: um
JohnnyMora: this
JohnnyMora: This isn’t even pretty.
sirtmagus: I guess. Which is more boring?
JohnnyMora: This.
sirtmagus: …yeah, he’s talking to water.
JohnnyMora: This isn’t even animated.
sirtmagus: This sort of looks like a Queen video.
sirtmagus: All those candles.
JohnnyMora: gonna cause a fire |:\
sirtmagus: Queen would’ve liked Mortal Kombat.
JohnnyMora: Jeez.
JohnnyMora: Jade’s costume is so damn cheap.
JohnnyMora: With nipple cozies.
sirtmagus: Liu Kang asks “Is that Jax?” but he has no way of knowing who Jax is.
JohnnyMora: I was about to say.
JohnnyMora: Did they talk about him?
JohnnyMora: On some cold, lonely night?
sirtmagus: In the first flick? Not at all. He was in the first scene with Sonya and then not.
JohnnyMora: So Shao Khan is just riding around California on a horse?
JohnnyMora: Not a great plan for world domination.
sirtmagus: I can’t believe I’m praising the first movie for its structure and writing.
JohnnyMora: “NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!!”
JohnnyMora: And yeah, I was about to say that I didn’t want to praise Paul What Script? Anderson.
sirtmagus: It’s most likely his best movie. :s
JohnnyMora: Raiden’s character is so all over the place.
sirtmagus: I think it’s because he’s HUMAN now or whatever.
sirtmagus: He’s the Data of the MK universe.
JohnnyMora: :s
sirtmagus: The moronic, sleeveless Data.
JohnnyMora: not the ROBOTS?
…
PART 6
…
sirtmagus: GO PART 6
JohnnyMora: that are actually ROBOTS?
sirtmagus: They HAVE no personality.
JohnnyMora: PUT
sirtmagus: HA! This soundtrack.
JohnnyMora: ON
JohnnyMora: YOUR
JohnnyMora: FUCKING
JohnnyMora: SKULL
sirtmagus: I’m missing the techno.
JohnnyMora: MASK
JohnnyMora: And no, I think this Shao Khan actor was on Buffy and Angel.
JohnnyMora: He was bad there, too.
JohnnyMora: HAHAHAHAEVILLAUGHINGAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sirtmagus: The no-skull-mask thing makes me think of today’s superhero movies. There’s some reason their masks fall off.
sirtmagus: Like Topher in Spidey 3.
JohnnyMora: He keeps his on a lot, considering, though.
sirtmagus: i figure it’s so the actor gets his stupid face onscreen.
JohnnyMora: I like how according to this movie nowhere besides California exists.
JohnnyMora: Stop having to prove you’re black, Jax.