Square Enix has gone insane the last few years. And by insane I mean aggrivating, bordering on “when the hell are we gonna see something without Nomura’s zippery stench?” Never, it seems. They recently announced we can look forward to ten whole years of Final Fantasy 13. Which makes a lot of sense, they’ve been milking Final Fantasy 7 the past half-decade to startling success and, I dunno if anyone’s noticed, but there’s hardly a difference between the numeric installments anyway, so I guess we can all do well with just one for the next ten hundred years.
Since the merger with Enix, Square has been content to churn out remakes, ports and spin-offs of every single entry and mascot character of its franchise-behemoth, with very little of their output actually satisfying me. I can take so much Final Fantasy 7 before the taste wears out and I want to disappear to a corner of the globe where no one’s ever heard of Cloud or Sephiroth, where zippers and black cloaks are repugnant, where idiotic Kingdom Hearts fans don’t litter YouTube with their retarded amateur music videos. Seriously, have you seen these things? Nothing, except threats on my family – MAYBE – can get me near Kingdom Hearts II which, to my knowledge, is getting “remixed” and ported, with a 3D remake of their Game Boy Advance game included. I suppose if you like your stilted anime acting and button-mashing peppered with playing cards that’s something to be excited about but for people with any respect for mature storytelling and gameplay, it’s a pox.
And no games on the Wii’s Virtual Console? Square, what… what are you thinking? You won’t re-release, say, I dunno, OH! Chrono Trigger for millions of Wii owners but you’re content to “upgrade” Final Fantasy 1 – that’s ONE, as in the 1986 original – and port it to PSP, a system only TWO people have? And for what? So they can revisit “the good old days?” For the 12 millionth time? On PSP? I… I just don’t understand.
Sure, they got Final Fantasy 6 on GBA, that’s cool, and yeah, I hear that Final Fantasy 12 is a breath of fresh air, though I have yet to actually spend an adequate amount of time with it to see how it fits in the grand scheme of things. Which strikes me as really odd because I clocked in 20 hours with it so you’d think that would be an adequate amount of time, but no.
Not with an RPG. Not with Final Fantasy. Or Dragon Quest. Or anything anymore. RPGs are such timesinks I think I’m getting sick of them. I can’t dedicate so much time anymore to one game when there are so many other games and endeavors that deserve my attention. Like, it’s been freakin’ forever since I picked up a book. And not a comic, a book book, with a spine and lots of small text. I’ve been trying to read Harry Potter 5 for what must be a year now but it just wouldn’t catch.
Besides who has time for Harry when there’s FINAL FANTASY 3 for DS?! It’s the last Final Fantasy to reach our shores so I HAVE to play it right? I should! I thought Final Fantasy 4 Advance was a pleasant surprise for such an old game so FF3 must be as well, even though it’s older! Right? Right?!
Fucking wrong. It’s not just older. It’s the oldest. It’s the oldest thing ever. Nevermind it’s the third Final Fantasy, or that it’s the upgraded remake with stylus support and new 3D graphics. It’s the oldest thing to ever exist on Earth. Ameobas? Bacteria? Dinosaurs? God? Fuck all that. Final Fantasy 3 DS was there first.
FF3 is the finest (finest?) example yet of Square’s smoke and mirrors technique of prime presentation and graphics in exchange for actual substance. Well, Dirge of Cerberus or Kingdom Hearts are even better (better?!) examples but Square does the same thing, gussies FF3 up for a fancy system like the DS, gives it impressive-for-a-handheld graphics, however, only the most gullible or forgiving can be distracted for the game itself is the most standard, clunky corpse of an RPG ever, covered in cobwebs, reeking of rot.
Games (though not necessarily RPGs) have come so far since then. WHY are there no save points in dungeons?! What FUCKING ASSHOLE at Square Enix thought that was a bright idea? How is that acceptable in 2007? Nevermind that save points are a backwards and ancient tradition anyway. Yes, an outdated, horrible tradition. If there are any programmers out there who can explain to me why save points are so essential I’ll… I dunno what I’ll do. You name the terms. I’ll thank you real hard. I should be able to save wherever I want. Lots of games do this, fuck, all games SHOULD do this. Especially when there’s a random shitty battle nearly EVERY STEP.
EVERY GODDAMN STEP. Hours of dungeon-crawling… no save points… The game, for some reason, tags you along with an extra unplayable character sometimes so I have Aria, this princess whore, with me. In battles she casts Cura or Protect randomly on me – RANDOMLY – so when I use my white mage to cast Cura or Cure on my party, and Aria casts it on me anyway, I’m WASTING my MP. I have no way of knowing when Aria’s gonna cast her magic on me! If I knew, I’d be able to save precious MP, but no, thanks, Aria. You slimy bitch. I can’t replenish my MP. At least not in the middle of a dungeon. There are no ethers. So, with MP impossible to recover in the middle of a dungeon with no save points AND ENDLESS RANDOM BATTLES I can’t help but eventually run out of MP and ways of healing all together. No phoenix downs either, can’t buy those, haven’t found any in hours.
And that’s two fucking nights of dungeon crawling down the drain. No game is worth that much time and trouble. If you don’t want me to play you, Final Fantasy 3, then I won’t fucking play you. I swear, the game’s a relic of a bygone era that’s better off in the past.
It belongs in a museum!