Archive for September 3rd, 2007

Lowest Common Disturbia

September 3, 2007

Disturbia goes beyond unsubtle, it’s fucking clumsy. Characters trip over lawn gnomes, stumble into hidden rooms, bump into windows and hide in closets for 3 weeks all to keep the stupid story moving. It’s the most dishonest, artificial studio garbage product I’ve seen all year, and I’ve seen Transformers, a movie where a giant robot frozen in Antarctica accidentally “burns” an interstellar map into an old guy’s bifocals that end up on eBay. Transformers at least had the excuse to be a movie about giant transforming toys. Disturbia has no such luxury. Both movies star the contemptible Shia LeBeouf, who’s just begging to be strangled the moment he shows up onscreen in full fishing gear with his hokum soon-to-be-tragically-killed father. More of an expert bullshitter than actor, he comes off as a creep, a sarcastic snake oil salesman, whenever he says anything that’s supposed to be in earnest. I don’t believe a goddamn thing that comes out of the guy’s mouth, unless it has something to do with Decepticons. Obviously, the writers deserve as much disdain for writing something even Nickelodeon would scoff, I’ve seen episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark better than this. One thing the writers do get correct though is teens are dumb, and they are absolutely in need of getting cut to ribbons by insane men.

Not that that happens. Squeaky clean Disturbia cops out at least 27 times per minute. The scariest thing that happens in this half-cocked Hitchcock rip-off is not when Shia discovers his next-door neighbor may be a serial killer, or when his friend may be a new victim, but when he monologues to the gorgeous new girl on the block in excruciating detail how he’s been watching her and memorizing her daily routine. To cap it off with the right amount of romance sleaze he throws in some asshole line about how her eyes “watch the world” or some crap, I dunno, I was swallowing my own tongue at that point. So what else does she do but fall for him. More date movie than triller I assume Disturbia’s filmmmakers, when not busy fingerbanging each other, assumed guys would be too busy fingerbanging their dates to notice the movie they paid $22 ($36-43 with snacks) for was a heaping shitload of fuck.