Archive for August, 2008

Crisis Core – A Crisis Chore

August 21, 2008

Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII is the latest and hopefully last installment of Square’s disastrous Compilation of Final Fantasy VII intermedia project. There was a movie, an anime OAV, a cellphone game, a Devil May Cry-type shooting game and finally a PSP game, each more disappointing and ulcer-inducing than the last. Apparently. I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t go anywhere near Dirge of Cerberus and the cellphone game isn’t available outside of Japan. It looks awful anyway. That leaves the anime, which was only 30 minutes or so and I struggle to remember anything that happened in it – I do remember hating it – and the movie, Advent Children, which now stands as the only thing in the whole compilation to come to any level of quality. That’s an incredibly unpopular opinion, but one that’s easy to defend. All Square cares about now is cutscenes and nonsensical stories anyway and at shy over 100 minutes there are much worse ways than Advent Children to spend your time and money on – like on the 15 hours and 40 bucks it takes to get through Crisis Core‘s campaign.


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Pineapple Express – The Surefire Formula

August 4, 2008

How easy it is to make this generation of moviegoers laugh. Judd Apatow and his crew of faux nerds figured it out and you can do it too! Remember Fruit Roll-ups? Not tired of unicorns yet? If you like old snack foods like Fruit Roll-ups and pot smoking and toilet jokes, and endless sarcastic dialogue about friendship, homoeroticism, useless mean-spirited cursing, copious bodily harm, nonsequitors up the ass, a pinch of racism and a lot of cock punching, then grab grandad’s typewriter and write the next Pineapple Express. You don’t need a coherent story or likable characters, you don’t even need funny actors or good jokes. Just get all your friends, preferably the guys you’ve been working with for a while so you get no dissenting opinions, go to the woods and let the camera roll. Ha, let the good times roll!

MORE LIKE Mediocre Express! lulz

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The Stepford Wives: Makes Me Wanna Kill Someone

August 2, 2008

I’ve seen bad movies. They usually inspire nothing more than indifference or boredom. But sometimes. Sometimes a bad movie is so awful, so offensive to my sensibilities as a film-goer that it transcends being merely “bad” and metamorphoses into some kind of nightmarish object of pure spite aimed directly at me. Rarely have I encountered something that seems to beg for me to hate it.

But until a few days ago, I hadn’t seen the remake of The Stepford Wives.

Shhh dont tell anyone how shitty this movie is

Shhh don't tell anyone how shitty this movie is

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BATMAN AND ROBIN – Rock Bottom

August 1, 2008

Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer Mike Nelson writes in his collection of movie reviews, “Movie MegaCheese”:

For those of you who were scared away by the abysmal reviews of Batman & Robin, let me lay to rest some of the prejudices you might have about the film. It’s not the worst movie ever. No, indeed. It’s the worst thing ever. Yes, it’s the single worst thing that we as human beings have ever produced in recorded history. (There may have been a viler clay tablet somewhere in prehistory, but we mustn’t spend time speculating on that.) Batman & Robin is an act of cold cynicism, reckless incompetence, and unbridled hate. It is a story filled with hints of fetishism and pederasty, displayed with a bald-faced contempt for its audience.

But, hey, that George Clooney is easy on the eyes, I’ll tell you that for free!

And that’s really all there is to say at this point. As with Batman Forever, here are my unedited viewing notes and an obscene amount of screenshots of a really bad, really stupid movie.

batman on ICE ARRGURURHGGHGHA
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