Happy Holidays – Disney’s Hunchback: Take Him Out to Lunch, Jack

by

John: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Enef2vTwmbM

John: I am prepared, d00d

John: looong wiz

Tim: k let’s rock this bitch

John: say when

Tim: nowww

John: Mmm chanting

John: Classy beginning

John: Where’s Escaflowne

Tim: Classic logo.

John: CLASSIC FONT

John: HOLY SHIT

Tim: It’s Brazil!

John: drama

John: FROM THE OUTSET

Tim: Those’re some detailed houses.

John: this zoom in is fantastic

John: how did they do these shots?!

John: some of the most complex I’ve seen in an animated movie

Tim: Is this the second Disney movie set in France?

John: uhhh

Tim: I half-expect Belle to walk in.

John: I think Sleeping Beauty might’ve been French

John: she does

Tim: WUT

John: She’s an easter egg

Tim: ohhhh. quite the egg.

John: this puppet rocks

John: CLOPAN

Tim: Clopin will tell you~

John: this is atmosphere, meng

Tim: These gypsies have terrific eyebrows.


Tim: JUDGE CLAUDE FROLLO.

John: And I do not believe milky white Quasimodo is a Gypsy

John: this guy can sing a song

Tim: And his terrifying horse.

John: lol

John: disney horses

John: every the moral indication

John:

Tim: Oh Tony Jay, take me away~!

John: ever

Tim: Jim Cummings is the voice of every guard in every cartoon.

John: lol

Tim: These SHOTS.

John: I hope so!

John: HE’LL KNOCK THAT SIGN AWAY

John: OH GOD

Tim: That chase was fantastic.

John: the use of space

John: just a tiny person running up to the doors

Tim: Awesome chanting.

John: ICO

John: I like how Frollo’s like “WHO SAW ME”

John: Frollo just kills kids

John: that’s how he rolls

John: And Tony Jay’s above singing

Tim: I love how the priest is like “Let me sing to you why this is wrong.”

John: well

John: he IS a Catholic priest

John: Lotsa singing.

Tim: I’ve been to church, man– oh. yea. there is a lot of singing, isn’t there.

Tim: Tony Jay sings.

John: They, like, kept singing ALIVE in the middle ages.

Tim: Wonderfully.

John: I agree

Tim: Of use to meeeee~ >:3

John: His voice is a national treasure

John: Maybe he’ll be the treasure in the next Cage movie

John: MORE AWESOME PUPPETS

Tim: BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS

John: BALL BALLS

John: balls of notre DAAAAAAAAAAAME

John: Shit, that note.

Tim: A note so impossible.

John: Most awesome credits sequence EVE?

John:

John: EVER?

Tim: Clopin is a singing cyborg sent to the past.

John: Vagrant fucking Story

John: lol

John: that bird’s a loser and so are you, Quasi

Tim: So this is Tom Hulce as Quasimodo. Amadeus himself!

John: He was?!

Tim: Mm-hmm.

Tim: Guy should’ve done way more stuff.

John: LOL, Quasi, you fag.

John: talking to birds

John: instead of girls

Tim: Oh boy, here we go.

John: oh god

John: Jason Alexander

Tim: The gargoyles. :C

John: And

John: Fussy Gay Gargoyle

Tim: CUT THE CHEESE. Gotta entertain the moronic kids watching, rite disney

John: David Hyde Pierce too busy?

John: Yeah, sure, let’s make the movie about these three.

Tim: Laverne, Hugo and Victor are their names right? Was LAVERNE Victor Hugo’s middle name??

John: No

John: I don’t think it was at ALL

John: Sure, Quasi, tell your imaginary awful friends your problems.

Tim: I could do without this soundtrack filler music.

John: QUAZZY

John: yeah

John: keep it to awesome dramatic escaflowne chanting

Tim: I could do without this whole scene.

John: Even kids thought this was shit.

Tim: Or these characters.

Tim: Jason Alexander was Disney’s go-to guy for awful characters.

John: Who else?

Tim: I dig the 3 Stooges gag though. |:3

John: did he do?

John: NEVER EVER

Tim: Uhhh. Aladdin the TV series.

Tim: ABIZ MAL.

John: ohhh

Tim: get it? Abysmal.

John: That awful fuck.

Tim: He was such an awful fuck.

Tim: PART 2?

John: PART 2

John: I wouldn’t want to stay cooped up forever with THESE assholes.

Heeeyyyy

John: oh god tony jay :c

Tim: He just BUSTS in and ruins the whimsy.

John: “My… Warhammer figurines…”

Tim: At least that exchange about stone not talking was in there.

John: These are the best alphabets

Tim: Abomination. Blasphemy. Contrition. Damnation!

John: FFFFFFFFFFESTIVAL?!!??!

Tim: Pretty good for Disney.

Tim: FFFFFFFFFFFF

John: That splash of red for Frollo rocks.

John: Frollo: original grump?

Tim: I think a rat runs across the foreground in nearly every Disney movie.

John: That’s all Fievel is.

Tim: FFFFFFFFFievel

John: “I do, I dooooo”

Tim: I can’t imagine Frollo’s childhood.

John: Ugggghhh, awful facial expressions

Tim: Tony JAY.

Tim: Someone clone him.

John: He’s a dynamo!

John: This is the most relatable song ever

John: All the times MY parents kept me inside because I was too ugly.

Tim: :C

Tim: This is like every middle school teacher.

John: LOL

John: Reminds me of that episode with the ugly kids in South Park.

John: I love the word “parapets”

Tim: Quasimodo is your average 4chan user.

John: And this voice mmmf

John: so gossamer~~~

John: And yes, he’s definitely on /co/

Tim: Oh, I barely noticed that. One song just sorta turned into another.

Tim: That’s NEAT.

John: yep

John: This song’s got SUBTLETY

John: in everything but architecture

John: and gargoyles

Tim: Man, there are some shots in this movie. So good.

John: But this song’s nice :3

Tim: MORE ZOOMS.

John: COMMPUUUUUUUUUUUUUTER

Tim: Camera!

John: They actually make it possible to look at Quasimodo without hurling.

Tim: Yeahh, some of this is a little… TOO Disney.

John: {{{:3

John: but

John: You must admit

John: It warms the cockles of your grumpy heart.

John: And this shot

John: VAGRANT STORY

Tim: Esmeralda SCRYES too DEEP.

John: into my pants

John: There’s a whole PALACE for justice? :doofus

Tim: No one cares about you, Blondie.

John: Wow

John: Two pretty people wanna fuck

John: STOP THE PRESSES, DISNEY

John: WHO

John: A

Tim: Esmeralda is Demi Moore right.

John: BROADWAY

John: yes

John: but

John: you heard broadway, right? :3

Tim: Bill Faggerbakke? NO!?

Tim: OH there he is.

John: HE’S THE GUARD

Tim: lol

Tim: Patrick the Starfish.

John: He’s Broadway

John: Now and forever.

John: Oh

John: The Palace of Justice

Tim: ACHILLES. HEL.

Tim: …heel. lolzzz

John: Is Maleficent’s castle.

John: LOL

John: Frollo has the best dialogue.

Tim: They knew he was the best.

John: Frollo, so lascivious

John: all this whipping of men~ <3

Tim: Not many Disney movies have villains who go on and on about genocide like this.

John: So Frollo is Billy Graham, right?

John: ugghhh

John: David Lynch’s Hunchback

Tim: Big fat ants crawling everywhere.

John: ANTS :C

John: PART 3

Tim: Phoebus should be way more disturbed.

Tim: PART 3

John: Fucker was in the crusades

John: Ants are shit to him.

Tim: Oh is that where he’s coming from? I thought he went to Whole Foods

Tim: To get a BAGUETTE.

John: \:3

Tim: with some CHEVRE~~

baguette time

John: Quasimodo doesn’t get keeping a low profile.

John: This sequence is pretty freaking fun

Tim: The facial expressions and amount of detail in this…!!

John: I was about to say: a technical nightmare.

John: OH A NAKED LADYYYYYY

Tim: Delicious, delicious Esmeralda.

Tim: EXPLODING CLOWN HEADS.

Tim: Nightmarish.

John: D:}

John: I think Joel Schumacher masturbated to this

Tim: Demi Moore was all strippy/poledancey for a while in the 90s.

John: This and Moulin Rouge

John: This being her best stab at it

Tim: Is her chest digitally rendered?

John: “LOOK AT THAT DISGUSTING BUSTY WOMAN DOING A LASCIVIOUS DANCE”

YES SIR

John: oh god

John: almost had a lindsay felton moment

Tim: PLEASE PLEASE

Tim: stfu, jason alexander

John: Last year’s kind is more frightening than Quasi.

John:

John: king

Tim: Cuz he BURPS.

Tim: These guys are right amateurs.

John: And I doubt he has an awesome falsetto.

Tim: Bobcat Goldthwaitt woudl’ve won if he was there.

John: This is what every average child has to go through.

John: Finding out they’re ugly and won’t succeed in life.

Tim: :C

Tim: This movie

Tim: speaks the ultimate truth.

John: Better learn now through song, kids!

Tim: Frollo is not pleased.

John: This is probably the most truthful Disney’s been.

Tim: 3D animation weeeee

Tim: You’re probably right about that. Didn’t see Black Cauldron or Milo & Otis or whatever though.

John: I like this sequence a lot, actually. :3

John: NOOO

Tim: Oh, Patrick Star, that was mean.

John: at least it’s soft fruit.

Tim: True.

Tim: Imagine apples or pineapples.

John: Oh god, they’re killing him with a noose!!!

John: And he’s hulking out!

Tim: I remember being pretty upset at this part in theaters. :[

John: How are they letting this happennnnnnnn

John: This is my first time seeing the full film :3

John: It’s more disturbing than Haku coughing up blood, that’s for sure.

John: Wipe the sweat from his brow, Mary Magdalene~~~

John: She’s not even doing it out of pity

John: just contrariness

Tim: Really.

Tim: OH. Ha. Goat.

John: Rather have more goat than more gargoyles.

John: OH GOD SHE BLEW UP

Tim: So Frollo really believes in what he’s selling. He brought that little disappearing trick.

Tim: *bought

John: Well, yeah

Tim: Legless guy. :C

Tim: GROIN KICK YEAH

John: We’ll get into Frollo’s psychology later on ;3

Tim: BROWLING SOUNDS

John: For now: slapstick

John: After the horrible look into human depravity.

Tim: Goofy sound OLOL

Tim: WHAT A WOMAN!!!

John: This movie shifts tone so fucking fast.

Tim: a pie should’ve landed in frollo’s face

Tim: and a huge slidewhistle

John: I like her magic, though.

John: It’s animated well.

Tim: WHOA SUDDEN rainstorm.

John: well

John: because frollo’s sad

John: and god is on his side~

Tim: because FROLLO’S sad?

John: He’s very disappointed!

John: PART 4

Tim: PART 4

John: Quasi, you big drama queen

Tim: Phoebus really liked that goat beggar’s butt.

John: I was about to say.

Tim: mmmm. yeahhh.

Tim: WHOA. Esmeralda knows CQC.

Tim: She has huuuuge facial features.

try to remember the basics of CQC

John: Why isn’t Quasi in this scene :c

Tim: This is the wittiest James Bond seduction-while-fighting dialogue.

John: I dunnoooooooo

Tim: I dunno, I wish I was that quick. While in combat.

John: Phoebus gives the best eye-rolls.

John: daaaamn

John: Priest knows his SHIT

John: Oh god tony jay :c

Tim: Frollo’s a-sniffin’ that mane ‘o hers.

John: Sexual fondling in Disney :c

Tim: Yeahh. i wonder what parents thought at that “I know what you were imagining” part.

John: Pattycake

John: Where’s the portrait of Elly

Tim: ELEHAYM

John: This is ballsy subject matter for a Disney song.

Tim: I could do laps in those eyes of hers.

John: Speakin’ to baby Jesus.

Tim: RELIGION? Yeah, I suppose it is.

John: And awesome storyboards, my GOD

John: THESE CANDLES

John: Give these people a raise.

John: Christian hypocrisy in Disneyyyy

Tim: Pretty impressive.

Tim: Disney: PRAYER DON’T WORK LOL

John: Just roll around on the floor, Esmeralda

John: They’ll animate it beautifully

Tim: mmmf

John: children of gooooooooood~~~

John: Quasimodo has the most insistent boner by now.

Tim: He will be struck down by righteous anti-boner lightning.

John: !!!!

John:

John: AUGH

John: I’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT THEM

Tim: Me too. :\

John: she’s a girl, not a…

Tim: Is Jason Alexander giving Quasimodo horrible sex advice?

John: a TUNA

Tim: a… A TUNA.

John: “Oh wow let me look at your pen and paper RPG board :V”

Tim: Ah here we go. Misunderstood loner male takes babe home to show off his talents.

John: WHAT A VIEW

John: [/jasmine]

Tim: WALL-EEEE

John: What if he HADN’T had the models?

Tim: [/eva]

John: Would she have recoiled in horror?

Tim: probably.

Tim: Guys don’t need looks to get by.

Tim: Like that South Park episode.

John: When he starts naming bells, you get the fuck out of there.

and FART

Tim: BURPING GOAT AHAAHAHAHAHAA

Tim: I think that’s what girls are told in 4th grade.

Tim: Once the bell-naming starts

John: I BET THE SULTAN HIMSELF BLAH BLAH BLAH

Tim: YOU FEEL

Tim: TRAPPED

Tim: PART 5

John: FROLLO’S NOT CRUEL

John: HE’S JUST

John: MORALLY-CHALLENGED

John: Don’t you touch him if you don’t like him, Esmeralda >:

Tim: Quit playing with his heart, you HARPY

John: His hands are as big as her face

Tim: Good face-crushin’ hands.

John: better to crush bunnies with

John: “NO :V”

Tim: Doesn’t it warm your heart to see everyone in the spirit of Christmas, Bruce?

John: It…

Tim: It….

John: LOL

John: I love that goat.

Tim: QUEASY GOAT

John: oh my god

Tim: Cuisonart Goat.

John: esmeralda quit being a seductive witch

Tim: Ooh, a DREAMCATCHER

Tim: Starring Damien Lewis and Jason Lee.

John: with a shitty CG cartoon

John: ARF ARF ARF

Tim: lighting~

Tim: Phoebus the Sun God is very yellow. :V

John: he’s strong?!

Tim: Well shyeah

John: WELL

Tim: He’s got one huge gigantic back muscle to use.

so orange

John: Is that an innate trait of hunchbacks?!

John: “works with a goat”

John: I BET

Tim: Quasimodo’s insane. :[

John: yyyyyyep!

John: He’s asking /b/ what to do.

Tim: pics or it didnt’ happen, quasi

John: Become an hero.

Tim: He wants to be the guy.

John: heaven’s liiiiiiiiiiiiight~~~

Tim: ugghh

John: Gargoyle with sick goat-lust

Tim: DISGUSTING.

John: giving gargoyles a bad name

Tim: Goliath would be displeased.

John: Oh my

John: You know what this means. |:3

Tim: Oh no

Tim: The best

Tim: Disney

Tim: song

Tim: next to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You.”

John: I would not disagree–HEY

John: beata maria~~~

Tim: Even as a kid, seeing this in a movie theater i was like “Shit rules.”

John: Oh god

John: the storyboards for this.

John: They’re unforgettable.

Tim: Awesome fire nymph.

John: This is the most striking sequence Disney animated since Fantasia.

John: When he backs away from the fireplace

Tim: THIS BURNING DESIRE

John: And the song is amazing.

Tim: Rubbing that silk against himself. Gahhh.

Tim: Nightmarish red-hooded guys. :c

John: Blame your boner on the devil, Frollo.

Tim: This sequence is AMAAAAZIIIIING.

John: I KNOW

John: I CAN’T BELIEVE IT

Tim: Tony Jay is

John: I wish it was available by itself on iTunes. >:

Tim: firing on all hellish cylinders.

John: SHADOW

Tim: The SHADOWS

Tim: Looming up the walls

John: WIND!!!

John: CRESCENDOOOOO

Tim: Pretty incredible.

John: End of day 1!

Tim: PART 6

John: FUCK THIS BREAD

Tim: LOL

Tim: That horse is still alive?

John: Dude, you can’t even buy an iPod for 20.

John: And no

John: It’s the horse’s

John: son

John: It’s evil, evil son.

Tim: well it IS a demon horse.

John: Bred for evil.

Tim: Bad Horse~

John: !!!

John: AWesome beard

John: !!!!!!

Tim: Love how Tony Jay makes that line so rote and matter-of-fact. >:3

John: Frollo, you are the most hardcore villain.

Tim: Yes.

Tim: “Here, Phoebus. Torch this family in their home.”

John: FINE, I’LL DO IT

Tim: “nvm i’ll do it lol”

John: They should’ve shown them burning aliiiiive

Tim: oh YEAH.

Tim: That’d be GREAT.

John: I just thought

John: How difficult it must be making a movie about a guy that can’t leave a building.

Tim: Cuz of… Quasimodo?

John: Demon Paris D:

John: yes

Tim: Frollo should inner monologue more.

John:

John: Jason Fucking Alexander

Tim: I think I’ll have… escargot tonight. Yes. Delicious, slimy little snails.

John: But…

John: crepes are light and delicate!!!

Tim: Oh no

Tim: I smell a song.

John: So do I. (

John: Like a change in air pressure.

Tim: Yeah.

Tim: A smelly change.

John: [shakes wiener]

John: they’re making a joke about a city burning.

John: and genocide.

Tim: Let’s make light of this horrible situation, Quasi! YEAH!! LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!

John: This is in awful taste.

John: Just like the whole concept of gargoyles.

John: Why is Jason singing it all by himself, too?!

John: NOOSES

Tim: Because he’s an ubertalent.

John: CHRIST, DISNEY

John: This is the biggest piece of bullshit

John: No one ugly gets extra credit.

John: They get surgery.

Tim: :0

Tim: SHAPED

Tim: LIKE A CROISSANT IS.

John: oh no

John: awful gargoyle piano dangling

John: GARGOYLE BREASTS

Tim: made of STONE.

Tim: COLD.

Tim: STONE.

John: I hope his heart gets crushed after this.

Tim: I wish the finger snapping was put to better use in another number.

John: I wish there weren’t ANY happy songs.

Tim: Quasimodo is out of his miiiiiiiind

duuuuumb

John: This is a typical case of not being anything more than a friend.

Tim: Bite the bullet, Quasi.

John: Does Quasi look like Harriet Fucking Tubman?

John: “You’re the single hottest soldier, Phoebus”

Tim: Way to flirt in front of Quasi, fellas.

Tim: Real sensitive.

John: Quasi: D:}}}}}

Tim: Oh and KISS too.

John: and fuck

Tim: lol

John: don’t forget to do that

John: They’re really going at it, too.

Tim: Echoing Quasimodo mind song of misery.

John: They don’t even notice the show he’s putting on for them.

Tim: I promise your meal ticket won’t perish, Esmeralda.

John: If you have any kids I wouldn’t mind babysitting them, too.

John: mah boi~~~

Tim: Link, mah boi~~~

om nom nom

d'oohhhhh

Tim: PART 7

John: part 7

John: oh god

John: grape scene

Tim: Frollo brought him pocky and twizzlers.

Tim: Mmm yum grapes a FULL MEAL.

John: Quasi’s charming }:3

Tim: oh god

John: NOOOO

Tim: you don’t wanna set frollo off with your new toys.

John: I don’t disagree with Frollo, though

John: She’s using him

John: For his swank pad.

Tim: “IS THAT A WII FIT? THINK! THINK OF YOUR MOTHERRR”

John: LOL

Tim: beautiful fire graphix.

John: What would Quasi need with a Wii Fit?

John: He’s stronger than like a billion soldiers.

Tim: He bought into the hype.

John: oh

Tim: He’s not an excellent judge of character.

John: phoebus

John: you’re fixed.

Tim: Quasi used a potion.

John: I don’t disagree with the villain right now.

Tim: He certainly makes his case!

John: uggghhh

John: that thing’s prolly sweaty and smelly by now

Tim: You ARE out of your mind, Quasimodo.

John: What a man won’t do for pussy.

John:

John: Sure

John: the dreamcatcher is ancient greek

John: you DUNCE

Tim: Is Phoebus a DOPE?

Tim: They’re both dopes.

John: This should’ve been a buddy film sooner.

Tim: Quasimodo is totally RIGGS.

Tim: Cuz he’s CRAAZZZYYYY

Tim: Let’s go down into this Castlevania level.

John: mind the medusa heads.

John: oh nooo

John: SKULLOMANIA

I can feel it in my booones, Annie

Tim: do these guards just hang out there day and night in case someone finds their home?

John: Yes

John: That’s what guards do.

Tim: Well-animated skulls.

John: We’re guarrrrrrrds

Tim: WE’RE GARRRRDS

John: There’s a lot of implied execution in this movie.

Tim: yeahh.

Tim: GOOD NOOSE TONIGHT.

Tim: Best line of the movie.

John: So

John: I bet Clopin feels pretty shitty telling this part of the story.

Tim: ugly, ugly gypsies.

John: totally

Tim: Esmeralda is some genetic freak.

John: Shows that Esmeralda’s gonna turn fat in a few years, anyways.

Tim: I love a good faceless soldier design.

John: He’s acting like he found Laputa.

Tim: Well he was searching for it for a while.

Tim: Never thought to look in Castlevania.

John: But he’s Dracula!!!

Tim: Uh-oh. The Indians are gonna kill John Smith.

John: She’s been found guilty of being a cocktease.

Tim: WAIT. WRONG MOVIE. :3

John: that was the last one ;3

John: also: peter pan

Tim: Brink of the ABYSS.

John: What disrespect~

Tim: Refused to recant!

John: part 8

Tim: PART 8888

Tim: Leave me alone, Genie.

John: Quasi’s got the right idea.

Tim: Not you too, Abu!

John: lol

John: you’re totally right.

Tim: Even Zidane in FF9.

John: YOU’RE NOT ALONE <3

Tim: Cool music~~

John: “Oh right they’re trying to kill Esmeralda :V”

beaver stream

Tim: Oh HEY. Climax.

John: !!!

John: Shit

John: Quasi’s some kinda FREAK.

Tim: Well. Yeah. :V

John: COMPUTER

John: amazing shot

Tim: CAMERA MOVEMENNNNT

John: He swings like Spider-Man

John: Oh god

John: This is gorgeous.

Tim: It’s pretty good.

John: I got chills just now :O

Tim: Not many graceful camera shots like that anymore.

I liked it the first ten times I laughed at its futility

Tim: Frollo: {:\

John: LOL

Tim: Phoebus just beaned Broadway/Patrick.

John: Cuz he’s pretty.

Tim: FIGHTAN TIME

John: STORRRRRRRM BEAST’S CASTLE

Tim: KILL THE BEAST

John: how are they doing that

John: they’re IMAGINARY

Tim: mon sewer~

John: lol

John: what

John: silliness

John: Goofy?!

Tim: They did a Goody sound earlier.

Tim: WORKS FUH ME

Tim: UGH horrible horse butt death.

John: that horse rump’s gotten a workout

Tim: Let’s put a Wizard of Oz reference in this for some reason.

Ho ho ho and a my oh my

John: BOILING METAL

John: shit

John: this shot

John: it’s incredible

John: lawl she’s dead

John: I wish the movie had done that

Tim: Whoever worked on Frollo’s animation earned his Disney beans.

John: And was rewarded Jafar-style

John: That’s right, you gargoyles. Get the fuck out.

Tim: I wish she croaked too.

Tim: It’d make for a STRONGER. FILM.

John: As strong as a hump.

Tim: ‘Twas my duty.

Tim: Frollo never breaks a sweat.

John: He’s amazing.

John: I love his petulant tone.

John: Quasi’s that is :V

Tim: Oh, yeah. Good voice acting~

John: He’s relishing the villainy.

Tim: He’s got a giant sword to do it with.

John: He’s like, “You know what? I don’t get to be evil enough in my every day work.”

John: You think he’s gonna fall!

Tim: Frollo totally took that scripture-quoting idea from M. Bison.

LIKE LIGHTNIIIIING

John: Best falling death?

Tim: Hans Gruber in Die Hard gets that award.

John: in disney |:V

Tim: oh lulz

Tim: well, they ALL fall

John: LOL FRIEND HUG MY BONER’S BEEN CURED

Tim: PART 9

Tim: wait

Tim: where’s part 9 :V

John: scroll down

Tim: oh there we go

Tim: START

John: they’re married on the spot?!

John: Quasi’s got balls the size of France.

John: To just take it.

Tim: mine’s not loading >:\

John: reload the page?

Tim: oh there we go

Tim: Are they married? They could just be wearing white

John: They’re treating him like a fucking child.

Tim: Reprise music~

John: {{{:3

Tim: Hey, Phoebus may get Esmeralda but at least Quasi gets little toothy French girl.

John: The square sure did recover from molten lava quickly.

John: 4chan would approve, I guess.

John:

Tim: France would too. Or at least, Roman Polanski would.

YES SIR

your face feels like bacon fat

John: RUINED MY ENDING

John: FUCKING GARGOYLES

Tim: DON’T

Tim: YOU

Tim: EVER

Tim: MIGRATE

John: now comes the sappy elevator version of the theme song.

John: By Bette Midler.

Tim: it’s a disney of the 90s tradition

John: Ms. Stepford Wives herself.

John: At least

John: I think it’s Bette.

Tim: Destined to be heard in supermarket aisles for the rest of time.

John: So.

John: The movie that sent families screaming from the multiplexes.

Tim: I was sure pretty confused.

John: This MOVIE is confused.

Tim: I hated this when I saw it.

Tim: For pretty good reason.

John: It’s like… a halfway step to a REAL movie.

Tim: They botch up such a good idea with random bullshit.

tweeeeeet

John: But the hesitation results in some fucking egregious mistakes.

John: Mostly the gargoyles.

John: And the happy ending.

John: In the original story, everyone dies but Quasi.

John: And Phoebus is an asshole villain.

Tim: He was an asshole in this.

John: well

John: yeah

John: But more rogueish.

John: Like Han Solo.

Tim: With zero charm, yes.

Tim: Unless YELLOW counts.

John: I thought you said their sword-fight banter was charming!

Tim: That was ONE part!

Tim: And that kind of banter is in dozens of scenes like that.

John: Like almost all of Mask of Zorro.

Tim: That’s pretty much what Mask of Zorro is.

Tim: in fact

Tim: didn’t those two movies come out the same time

John: …!

John: You may be right~

John: OK

John: So the gargoyles suck.

Tim: Big tiiiime.

John: And the infidelity to the source sucks.

John: What else sucked?

Tim: Not that that’s a huge surprise for Disney. Not exactly known for their faithful adaptations.

John: Little Mermaid: True Love Loses Edition. You hear me, Disney?

John: I want my Ariel sashimi.

Tim: Mmm-mmm-mmmm. With … A TUNA!

Tim: The overall score, and the songs… not that memorable.

John: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii dunno.

John: I like some of them. )

Tim: There are about 3 stand-outs.

John: Shower-singing material, for sure.

John: But

John: There’s only like five songs.

Tim: really? feels like more…

John: Opening narration

John: Somewhere out there

John: Topsy Turvy

Tim: lol see

Tim: Somewhere out there is the friggin’

Tim: American Tail song.

John: Whatever the children of God one was

John: Hellfire

John: Awful Gargoyle Song.

John: Six

John: Six songs.

John: And half of them are great!

Tim: ok half!

Tim: That’s not a passing grade.

John: It is for mid-90s Disney

John: Name two songs from Pocahontas.

Tim: But it WASN’T!

Tim: Sandwiches, Sandwiches

Tim: and Color of the Wind.

John: That’s not a real song.

Tim: It’s a better version of Savages, Savages.

John: ah :3

John: BARELY EVEN TUNA

Tim: A tastier version.

Tim: With mustard and ham

Tim: and bleu cheese~

John: Still

John: Hellfire and The American Tail song are nice.

Tim: And the opening song. For sure.

John: Hellfire alone could justify this.

Tim: Yeahh.

John: In fact.

John: I wish I could take that scene.

Tim: It is kinda the fulcrum on which the whole movie sits isn’t it

LICENTIOUS

John: Take it out of this movie.

John: And just extrapolate it.

John: Dramatic subject matter.

John: Not Jason Alexander playing poker with a bird.

Tim: But didn’t you like how the GOAT BURPED?

Tim: I

John: THAT WAS ONE PART

Tim: was in stitches.

John: And so was I!

John: And any time Tony Jay showed up.

John: To remind us all why we’re sorry he’s gone.

Tim: Man was a voice acting gift. FROM ABOVE.

John: And to remind us of the grim fact that Cameron Diaz is the highest paid voice actor.

Tim: …Jeezum crow, are you right?

John: Pretty sure I am.

Tim: What, for SHREK?

Tim: … 2 and 3?! :V

John: yes

John: Also, some fun facts: she was supposed to be Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat and she was Christophe Glans’ pick for Cybil in Silent Hill.

John: But let’s talk about Hunchback’s technical achievements.

John: Hooooooooly fuck.

Tim: Bridgett Wilson and Laurie Holden are way more talented based on those 2 roles alone.

Tim: OH, yeah, the animation’s gorgeous.

Tim: The design, the level of detail.

John: I would say it is the pinnacle of Disney’s 2D animation.

Tim: France POPS out of the screen.

John: That and Hellfire make me want to fix this movie so fucking bad.

Tim: I dunno if I’d say it’s the pinnacle considering Snow White, Bambi, Dumbo and Pinnochio still impress, technically, to this day.

Tim: But uh

Tim: I suppose it is their last hurrah.

Tim: What came after?

John: Hercules.

Tim: Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

John: Atlantis.

John: Lilo & Stitch.

John: The Emperor’s New Groove.

John: Treasure Planet

John: Home on the Range

Tim: Hrm. Hrm. Hrm.

Tim: Well, I couldn’t remember them.

Tim: Though I did see them all.

John: You did?!

Tim: Except Home on the Range.

John: Even Home on the–oh

Tim: C’mon, weren’t we like

Tim: 20 when that one came out?

John: I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to see Roseanne as a cow.

Tim: why would you need a cartoon for that? :V

John: [rimshot]

John: But seriously, folks!

John: This movie made my eyes squeal in delight several times.

John: That shot near the end with the molten whatever pouring out of Notre Dame!!!

John: The amount of research and detail that must’ve gone into that movie!!!

Tim: Whenever there are dynamic camera movements in animation that’s when my fist pumps in the air and my heart’s pace quickens and I go “WOO HOOOO!”

Tim: So those parts were my favorite.

Tim: You can see the money dripping out of those shots.

Tim: Specific characters had exquisite animation.

John: Quasi

John: Esmeralda

John: Frollo

John: Those three

Tim: Esmeralda of course. Her facial features are so exaggerated it’s tough to take your eyes off her.

Ohhhh why thank yooouuu smooch smoooooooch

John: I could practically hear the animators panting when they drew Esmeralda.

Tim: Absolutely!

Tim: Those guys had to do stripper research for that dance part. Yikes.

John: And I think they had fun drawing such an unusual figure with Quasi.

John: And Disney always has fun with villains.

John: So what did this movie TEACH kids?

Tim: There’s a clear anti-authority thing going on, which is unusual for them I think. Usually Disney is all about the status quo.

John: And as usual, they’re all about the selective breeding of beautiful people.

Tim: oh, yeah, that will never change. That’s intact.

John: Maybe Roseanne fell in love with a bull that had clubfoot or something.

John: Clubhoof?

Tim: I guess uhhh. Even if you’re a hideous man raised by a religious zealot, uhhh. Don’t give up. You’ll um. Be accepted? Into society? Eventually? By saving a beautiful woman’s life?

John: {:\

John: I felt so fucking bad for Quasimodo.

John: Getting his heart jerked around by an oblivious woman.

John: And she never even apologized.

Tim: Well she’s unaware she’s doing it, I’m sure. :\

Tim: Phoebus was pretty clueless the whole time too.

John: He seemed rather indignant that Quasimodo would be resentful.

Tim: The only one who seemed to have his demonic ducks in a row was Frollo. And Clopin.

John: Maybe Quasimodo’s first crush shouldn’t have been a hyper-sexual erotic Gypsy dancer.

I am positively riveted to trick an awful gnome into loving me!

John: It’s tough for those to be faithful.

John: And yeah, I thought Frollo made the most sense.

Tim: Really. He should’ve gone for a 2 or a low 3 instead of a… perfect 10.

John: His girlfriend in the sequel is maybe a 6.

Tim: Reallllyyyy. Not bad!

John: So he still makes out like a bandit.

John: After he’s stuck babysitting their son.

John: And sounding grateful, no, eager.

John: “Please, dump off the physical proof of your sexual intimacy with me!”

Tim: God damn. Imagine the psychological scarring.

John: I don’t have to.

John: They sang and danced through the whole movie.

Tim: Do the gargoyles return?

Tim: As if I have to ask? :\

John: Yessssss (

John: Just be glad they didn’t add a fourth.

Tim: The new gargoyle, Antoine.

John: Mwwwwwwwooooowwwwwww

Tim: I AM THE FUEL

John: You are not a fuel!

John: But seriously, I kind of liked this movie. :3

Tim: So Frollo and everything he does, the animation, half the soundtrack (I’ll say more than half), the darker than usual for Disney thematic material…

Tim: that’s why people should see Hunchback of Notre Dame.

John: Most definitely.

John: And to see that goat burp.

hey nowww

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8 Responses to “Happy Holidays – Disney’s Hunchback: Take Him Out to Lunch, Jack”

  1. Rick Says:

    Oh man, I love these grumps where you just… go. The candid nature of you guys’ referential irreverence is so damned amusing, and terribly accurate in some ways. Once again I was left scratching my head at a few of the things you guys said, as I wasn’t aware of a specific actor or something similar, but looking it up and figuring it out for myself is half the fun. The Vagrant Story references were a nice touch. =D

    You guys seemed to hit on all the high and low points of what made this movie such a potentially good one, and how horrible it really is because it suffered from Disney’s childish prankery.

    Another wonderful little Grump. {=3

  2. Ryu Says:

    “A baby?…A monster!”

  3. John Mora Says:

    Glad this was enjoyed! Hopefully we can get a lot more of these out before Christmas Break is over.

  4. RD Says:

    I read it…

    I laughed at parts.

    The End.

  5. Sean/Shard Says:

    I won’t pretend I get every reference, but it’s clear that you two are having fun bouncing off each other. I’d love to see more of these.

  6. em Says:

    See Black Cauldron if you want dark!

  7. John Mora Says:

    I’d actually like to. Is it worth it?

  8. Toy Story 3: Sobbing Man-Children « Grump Factory Says:

    […] then it was 1995. Disney was quickly losing their shit (Pocahontas? HUNCHBACK?) and no one was stepping up to take the doddering king’s place. Except for one studio who […]

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