Happy Holidays – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze

by
sirtmagus: OH YES
sirtmagus: The New Line Logo!
JohnnyMora: I like New Line’s logo :3
sirtmagus: Are we watching MORTAL KOMBAAAT?!
JohnnyMora: Always gets me ready for crap
JohnnyMora: I was about to say
sirtmagus: Too bad they’re DEAD. LOLOL
sirtmagus: Wait, in memory of Jim Henson? :c
JohnnyMora: yep
JohnnyMora: He did the suits for the original, I think.
sirtmagus: what a way to start your kid’s flick.
JohnnyMora: This intro made me so hungry
JohnnyMora: and jealous
JohnnyMora: I loooove pizza.
sirtmagus: New York: Pizza and Guys Nodding at Each Other.
JohnnyMora: I wish I lived there~
sirtmagus: It’s okay. Hope you like $12 movie tickets.
sirtmagus: DAVID WARNER?!
JohnnyMora: As long as the pizza’s cheap.
sirtmagus: OH MY GOD, THIS MOVIE IS WIN.
JohnnyMora: YUP
JohnnyMora: And Ernie Reyes Jr.
sirtmagus: I know where to get good $1 pizza.
JohnnyMora: Liu Kang’s  younger brother
sirtmagus: Does Raph avenge his death?
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Kino
JohnnyMora: You bastard
JohnnyMora: Put that wench in her place!
sirtmagus: OH MAN. That was a burn.
sirtmagus: A PIZZA burn.
JohnnyMora: Oh gosh
JohnnyMora: BOXES
sirtmagus: NYC’s worst criminals.
sirtmagus: Wear flannel.
JohnnyMora: what did he think he’d be able to do?!
sirtmagus: KARATE.
JohnnyMora: and quip
JohnnyMora: Quip kwon do
sirtmagus: So much crime going on tonight! And they’re all white.
JohnnyMora: “Help?”
sirtmagus: WHOA
JohnnyMora: well
JohnnyMora: this is a children’s movie.
JohnnyMora: Blacks not allowed.
JohnnyMora: AWESOME~
sirtmagus: The Turtles just walk down some stairs for their entrance, huh.
JohnnyMora: WICKED~
JohnnyMora: ECLECTIC~
sirtmagus: Wiggle your jowls, Little Kang.
JohnnyMora: LOL
sirtmagus: Raph is totally from BROOKLYN.
JohnnyMora: Are they still teenagers?!
sirtmagus: Shouldn’t they be?
JohnnyMora: They look at least 20
sirtmagus: …How can you tell
JohnnyMora: How old do they look to you?!
sirtmagus: I dunno!! Turtles can grow very old.
JohnnyMora: I love that yoyo fight
sirtmagus: Because they can’t use their real weapons.
JohnnyMora: yep
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: I loved that as a kid
sirtmagus: Sausage fight!
sirtmagus: WHAT IS MICHAELANGELO DOING?
JohnnyMora: he’s
JohnnyMora: staying true to his namesake
sirtmagus:
sirtmagus: Sistine Sausages.
JohnnyMora: AND NEXT TIME
JohnnyMora: I’LL USE MUSTARRRRRD
sirtmagus: Besides Raph MAYBE these are the most non-descript voices. I wish they used the cartoon guys.
JohnnyMora: Raph is so take charge~
JohnnyMora: I was used to these guys, though!
JohnnyMora: I didn’t watch the cartoon.
JohnnyMora: This was my definitive TMNT :3
sirtmagus: Such a MAN PILE.
JohnnyMora: Secret of the ooze~
JohnnyMora: oh no!
JohnnyMora: NO PIZZA
sirtmagus: The cartoon’s amazing intro is my definitive TMNT.
JohnnyMora: SHUT
JohnnyMora: UP
sirtmagus: “It’s alright, Muriel~”
JohnnyMora: these are the WASPs from Gargoyles
sirtmagus: You can tell that’s a bag of groceries because there’s a big baguette sticking out it.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Visual shorthand!
sirtmagus: KILLER SNAKE– oh wait.
JohnnyMora: Leonardo reads comics? These ARE teenagers.
sirtmagus: Leonardo only reads Art Spiegelman and Alan Moore.
JohnnyMora: They are not treating those boxes with care!
sirtmagus: LUFTWAFFE.
sirtmagus: “Let’sa makeuh moreuh stereotypesuh.”
JohnnyMora: They must have the worst nutrition
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Just you wait
sirtmagus: Really, how do they keep in such shape with this diet.
JohnnyMora: there’s MORE stereotypes!
JohnnyMora: Must be the ooze
JohnnyMora: Gives you biceps
sirtmagus: PART 2
JohnnyMora: They are the worst house guests
JohnnyMora: Why doesn’t April kick them out?!
sirtmagus: Yeahh, ruin April’s 14 million dollar apartment.
JohnnyMora: She’s up there with Lois for apartments journalists can’t afford.
sirtmagus: Sweet, a summary of the first movie.
JohnnyMora: yup!
sirtmagus: Was Splinter in the can or something?
JohnnyMora: He was crushed like an oldsmobile.
JohnnyMora: oh
JohnnyMora: I mean
JohnnyMora: Shredder was.
JohnnyMora: |:3
JohnnyMora: Splinter was whackin’ off.
JohnnyMora: to only the filthiest hentai.
sirtmagus: Rule 34 on April please.
JohnnyMora: With or without jumpsuit?
sirtmagus: WIIIIIIIITH.
JohnnyMora: TEN FLIPS
sirtmagus: What do the Japanese think of this, I wonder.
JohnnyMora: The OVA didn’t go anywhere, so I guess they don’t think much of it at all~
sirtmagus: There was an OVA?
JohnnyMora: Yes
JohnnyMora: Where they pilot a giant robot.
sirtmagus: Natch.
JohnnyMora: Is this like right AFTER the first movie?!
sirtmagus: So Shredder was taken to Staten Island. HEYO.
JohnnyMora: And I guess no one noticed a dead body.
sirtmagus: In New York?
JohnnyMora: :V
JohnnyMora: The Foot Clan is just a bunch of pissy 16 year olds.
JohnnyMora: Fair matches, actually~
JohnnyMora: Where was Ken Watanabe back in the day?
sirtmagus: Whoa, Shredder wasn’t even scratched.
JohnnyMora: His face was!
sirtmagus: But we can’t see!
JohnnyMora: TECHNOGLOBALRESEARCHINDUSTRIES
sirtmagus: EGON?
JohnnyMora: no
JohnnyMora: The Magus
sirtmagus: R’as Al Ghul!
JohnnyMora: The Lobe
JohnnyMora: Raph watches Oprah?!
JohnnyMora: Oh god
JohnnyMora: Is that Butterfinger?!
sirtmagus: Mike’s teeth are so powerful.
JohnnyMora: So jealous
JohnnyMora: Of all the food in this movie.
sirtmagus: Splinter hates it when his TV gets manhandled by those kids.
JohnnyMora: Ohhhhhhhh drat~
sirtmagus: Got to go take a dip in the Lazarus Pit with Billy Zane and Freakazoid.
JohnnyMora: OH WOW
JohnnyMora: Radiation and ooze makes things
JohnnyMora: large!
JohnnyMora: Oh no!
sirtmagus: He’s totally gonna rub that giant dandelion in a girl’s face.
sirtmagus: Cuz he secretly likes her. :3
JohnnyMora: Those are the fakest props.
JohnnyMora: oh
JohnnyMora: They’re 15 years old. :|
sirtmagus: We just saw giant turtles eating Butterfingers, I think these props can get a pass.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Shredder walking around with a big dandelion.
sirtmagus: Besides all the metal he looks pretty wimpy.

JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: How do you want him to look!?
JohnnyMora: He’s Japanese. :V
sirtmagus: Where’s his CAPE?
JohnnyMora: IT GOT CRUSHED
JohnnyMora: He’s very distraught!
sirtmagus: Where’s his NEW cape?
JohnnyMora: At the cleaners.
sirtmagus: Heh, the TMNT hate Karate Kid.
JohnnyMora: :3
JohnnyMora: LOL
sirtmagus: WTF
sirtmagus: Did they just–
JohnnyMora: Go where my mind went :3
JohnnyMora: PART 3
JohnnyMora: They had such fun with the entendre
sirtmagus: The only one I caught in the movie.
sirtmagus: SO FAR.
sirtmagus: So April lives in Brooklyn. Pretty schway~
JohnnyMora: Too deep to penetrate?
sirtmagus: Nothing’s too deep for the Turtles.
JohnnyMora: Is it like seeing God for them?
sirtmagus: I’d imagine! Does the script know that?
JohnnyMora: Sorta?
sirtmagus: Wait, why does the city face grave danger?
sirtmagus: And where are they gonna seek their answers?!
JohnnyMora: I wonder what the original use for this fuckin’ ooze was.
sirtmagus: David Warner’s personal ice cream topping.
sirtmagus: WHOA WHERE’D THESE GUYS COME FROM
sirtmagus: They better not hurt David Warner.
JohnnyMora: LET’S DO IIIIIIIT
JohnnyMora: These quips are atrocious.
sirtmagus: You don’t like “WHERE DO YOU PUT THE QUARTER?”
JohnnyMora: IT’S LIKE A 3D VIDEO GAAAAME
sirtmagus: The TMNT arcade game got a lot of playtime back in the day.
sirtmagus: Don! Being a computer whiz!
JohnnyMora: with huge turtle fingers?!
sirtmagus: This is what the new CGI movie was missing.
JohnnyMora: That and quality.
sirtmagus: The characters doing what they’re known for.
sirtmagus: Did you see it?
JohnnyMora: Helllll no
sirtmagus: If you’re watching this you got no excuse. :V
JohnnyMora: I do too
JohnnyMora: This movie’s awesome and that one isn’t!!
sirtmagus: It has its moment. It treats Leo and Raph like fuckin’ royalty.
JohnnyMora: And Mikey’s a goof~
sirtmagus: He’s very much a goof in it, too.
sirtmagus: Perhaps TOO much.
JohnnyMora: It’s funny knowing all these ninjas are white twerps.
sirtmagus: So easily bamboozled.
JohnnyMora: Oh no
sirtmagus: HE’S ON A CHAIR WE CAN’T POSSIBLY STOP HIM
JohnnyMora: he’s chair surfing
JohnnyMora: seriously.
JohnnyMora: NINJA VANISH?
JohnnyMora: Quite a trick.
JohnnyMora: Huge Jack Man would like to know your secret.
sirtmagus: Why would he vanish?!
JohnnyMora: to defeat his rival, Christian Bale. >:3
JohnnyMora: Turtles are sure doing mundane things.
sirtmagus: Yeah what are they gonna do next? The dishes?!
JohnnyMora: What the fuck is Kino doing.
JohnnyMora: April, you charmer.
sirtmagus: Little Kang should be used to giant rats in New York.
JohnnyMora: Kino’s rapt~
sirtmagus: WOULDN’T YOU BE?
JohnnyMora: PART 4
sirtmagus: Friends with the NINJA TURTLES?!?!?
JohnnyMora: It was my childhood dream
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: Youtube… >:\
sirtmagus: Raphael was an okay painter I guess.
JohnnyMora: He did the Pieta, right?
JohnnyMora: SLIME IS WAY LESS SOPHISTICATED THAN OOZE, OKAY?
sirtmagus: why is one of them counting
JohnnyMora: Michelangelo’s doing exercises
JohnnyMora: as punishment
JohnnyMora: for being annoying
JohnnyMora: Pikachu’s in there, isn’t he
sirtmagus: David Warner would so be in the Pokemon movie.
JohnnyMora: as Mewtwo?
sirtmagus: Was that Raph doing a Bogart thing?
JohnnyMora: no
JohnnyMora: Raph is so Asuka
sirtmagus: wait. how.
sirtmagus: y’know what
sirtmagus: nevermind. :V
JohnnyMora: >:3
sirtmagus: I don’t wanna HEAR that explanation.
sirtmagus: I wanna hear about “POWER.”
sirtmagus: The Phantom walks out.
JohnnyMora: I used to want to live in this set
JohnnyMora: Because I was 7 years old and retarded.
sirtmagus: SPIDER CITY?! Oh crap. :C
JohnnyMora: Shelob’s in the corner.
JohnnyMora: See, there’s his cape.
JohnnyMora: Swimsuits in the 90s?!
sirtmagus: “My interest is peaked.” HONK HONK.
JohnnyMora: Those’ll never sell!
JohnnyMora: There’s a functioning pay phone?!
sirtmagus: Not anymore!
sirtmagus: Thanks to Colin Farrell.
JohnnyMora: These guys would be exhausting to be around.
sirtmagus: Now that you mention it
sirtmagus: Wait, where did the movie’s plot go?
JohnnyMora: It’s moving into an old subway station.
JohnnyMora: Speilberg so ripped this off in JP.
JohnnyMora: INCREDIBLE~~
JohnnyMora: PART 5
JohnnyMora: >:
JohnnyMora: fuckin’ youtube
JohnnyMora: skip to the 7:30 mark or so
JohnnyMora: Whoever put this up was a retard~
JohnnyMora: Mama!!
sirtmagus: Poor emasculated Shredder.
sirtmagus: BABIIIIES
sirtmagus: THEY ARE
sirtmagus: BAAABIIIIES
sirtmagus: AUUUGGHHH
JohnnyMora: bbbbbbang
JohnnyMora: David Warner’s all concerned about ethics! For once!
sirtmagus: Oh, no, he’s just pointing out how TUFF they are.
JohnnyMora: or else shredder will kill them!
JohnnyMora: I doubt this many street thugs have martial arts skills.
sirtmagus: There are a lot of ads for lessons in New York.
JohnnyMora: PART 6!
sirtmagus: PART 6 woo
JohnnyMora: Where’s Zaitsev~
JohnnyMora: A training DOGI
sirtmagus: Foot Clan’s headquarters is a bombed-out dump?
JohnnyMora: yes
sirtmagus: Where’s the TECHNODROME?
JohnnyMora: all shredder can afford
JohnnyMora: Krang was his sugar-mama
sirtmagus: Sugar-brain.
JohnnyMora: how did they let a turtle in
sirtmagus: He used his Bogart impression.
JohnnyMora: No one has a gun.
sirtmagus: They have… their FEET.
sirtmagus: DA! DA! DA! Martial arts moves!
JohnnyMora: If they didn’t utter something, you wouldn’t know they were supposed to be powerful moves!
JohnnyMora: wow
JohnnyMora: he’s running a long way
JohnnyMora: And he’s rhyming!
sirtmagus: Not even out of bfreath.
sirtmagus: Wait. Doesn’t April live IN Brooklyn?! WHAAAT
JohnnyMora: :V
sirtmagus: Moooviiie.
JohnnyMora: Who knows but you silly NY types
JohnnyMora: These are the dopiest ninjas.
sirtmagus: WHOOOAAAA. Shouldn’t ninjas be able to sniff out traps?
JohnnyMora: A trap so nice they sprang it twice!
JohnnyMora: oh no!
JohnnyMora: Sharp pitchforks!
sirtmagus: What was that about Ralph Nader?
JohnnyMora: RALPH NADER?!
sirtmagus: What kid knows about RALPH NADER?
JohnnyMora: So
sirtmagus: Mutual Splinter, dude!
JohnnyMora: Splinter always follows them?!
JohnnyMora: Raph doesn’t have lips.
sirtmagus: Splinter’s done helping them out.
JohnnyMora: He’s like, “whatever, man, I got some Macross eps to watch.”
JohnnyMora: Why are they fighting one at a time?!
sirtmagus: Don says it hurts but it doesn’t look like it does.
JohnnyMora: I know!
JohnnyMora: He just seems bored!
sirtmagus: This is the second movie we’ve watched where bowling ball sounds happen.
JohnnyMora: The New York sewer system.
JohnnyMora: Your friend~
sirtmagus: Better than the subway, that’s fer sure.
sirtmagus: “Way to go Mikeyyyyy. Mamma miiiaaa.”
JohnnyMora: They are choosing the least effective way of following them.
sirtmagus: Poor Toka.
JohnnyMora: 777777
sirtmagus: I want an R-rated Turtles movie.
JohnnyMora: Where Raph fucks a hooker or something?
sirtmagus: Leo would slice that thing in half.
sirtmagus: THAT TOO.
JohnnyMora: Don makes meth?
sirtmagus: That’d be greeeeaat.
sirtmagus: A great big bowl of meth.
sirtmagus: That he cherishes.
JohnnyMora: David Warner is all about hanging out with mutated ninja turtles.
sirtmagus: So is this like the 700th person who knows about them?
JohnnyMora: yes
JohnnyMora: They’re like Batman.
sirtmagus: Laboratories were so crude back then.
JohnnyMora: oh no
JohnnyMora: they’re accidents~
JohnnyMora: The ooze condom broke {:3
sirtmagus: Blech.
JohnnyMora: Don is inconsolable.
sirtmagus: lol
sirtmagus: *twang*
sirtmagus: Is there existential angst in TMNT2?!
JohnnyMora: He’s having an existential crisis!!!
sirtmagus: ..!!!!
JohnnyMora: That counts!!!
JohnnyMora: [Rei tone poem]
sirtmagus: lol
sirtmagus: squeaky wagon
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Toka and Razar, get a ROOM
sirtmagus: hurr hurr
sirtmagus: YUMMY WOOD.
JohnnyMora: :V
JohnnyMora: I loved this as a kid {:3
sirtmagus: How can New York be this devoid of life.
JohnnyMora: Did I mention I was retarded?
JohnnyMora: It’s the same street Michael Jackson walked down on the Black & White video.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Practical ol’ jews in NY.
sirtmagus: They’re more concerned about their bagels with white fish.
sirtmagus: “CABBIE. TO KATZ’S, ON THE DOUBLE.”
sirtmagus: Recuhd. Recuhd. Recuhd. Off the recuhd.
sirtmagus: At least this cop ain’t Irish.
JohnnyMora: He’s
JohnnyMora: awful Italian
sirtmagus: ‘EYYYYYYY
JohnnyMora: April, you’re the worst journalist.
sirtmagus: Aw man. I wish New York kept those cop cars.
sirtmagus: Such CHARACTER.
JohnnyMora: I was about to ask what happened to that plotline.
sirtmagus: What, the NINJAS?
JohnnyMora: About the MOLE.
sirtmagus: TMNT2 has a MOLE?
JohnnyMora: FREDDY!
sirtmagus: Does he have the NOC LIST?
sirtmagus: Job @ 3:15
JohnnyMora: All the people that weren’t in NY last night?!
JohnnyMora: Everyone in NY in this movie stays home and reads a good book.
sirtmagus: Toka and Razar star in Shakespeare in the Park’s King Lear.
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: Gotta get in line early!
JohnnyMora: Mmmmm, more pizza.
sirtmagus: David Warner uses Peptobismol and Draino in all his experiments.
JohnnyMora: It’s all he drinks, too.
sirtmagus: \:0
JohnnyMora: You think that accent’s natural?!
sirtmagus: It’s all I ever hear him use!
JohnnyMora: It takes a steady diet of pepto and draino.
sirtmagus: BART SIMPSON GLASS?

JohnnyMora: BAT GLASS
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: bart glass
sirtmagus: Oh, early 90s.
JohnnyMora: My man~
sirtmagus: PART 8
JohnnyMora: The sound of people listening.
sirtmagus: SCHWARZENEGGER.
sirtmagus: I did it okay.
JohnnyMora: I didn’t now how to do it~ ;3
sirtmagus: You have to worship him.
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: What is that fucking blimp shit about?!
sirtmagus: I don’t get that joke at all.
JohnnyMora: Traditional pre-fight donut~
JohnnyMora: Sounds like a great tradition, if you ask me.
sirtmagus: They’ll eat anything! Does he know that for sure?
JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: he has to count on it, doesn’t he?!
sirtmagus: Leo, shouldn’t you be full of honor and the fighting spirit?
JohnnyMora: !!!!!!
sirtmagus: They found the cuuuubes

JohnnyMora: Bagels do sound nice :3
sirtmagus: Mmmm. So soft and warm.
sirtmagus: So this is the climax, huh.
JohnnyMora: !!!
JohnnyMora: Next door is a Vanilla Ice party!
sirtmagus: BURPING ANIMALS. I can’t.
sirtmagus: Get.
sirtmagus: Enough of them.
JohnnyMora: These are amazing burps.
sirtmagus: I’ve heard better. In person.
JohnnyMora: Vanilla is diggin’ this.
sirtmagus: AW YEAH. Here we go.
JohnnyMora: He’s just making this up on the spot!
sirtmagus: He… takes my breath away.
sirtmagus: How did David Warner wind up there?
JohnnyMora: GO NINJA GO NINJA GO
JohnnyMora: He
JohnnyMora: followed
JohnnyMora: ?
sirtmagus:
sirtmagus: RETARDING? Something’s retarding in here!
JohnnyMora: Something’s retarding, that’s for sure.
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: hivemind!
sirtmagus: OVERMIND.
JohnnyMora: Kino and Splinter
JohnnyMora: So spiritual~
sirtmagus: Kino can’t stand being in this movie anymore!
JohnnyMora: He wants to go to Surf Ninjas now.
sirtmagus: Splinter’s so fed up.
sirtmagus: When was the last time we saw the Turtles’ weapons?
JohnnyMora: not once in this movie
sirtmagus: “Yeahhh, look at these monsters subdue those monsterssss”
JohnnyMora: Eddy Gordo would be proud.
sirtmagus: They crushed that man’s bones. :c
JohnnyMora: Where’s Shredder?
sirtmagus: This whole scene is beneath him.
sirtmagus: Rappers wore such fine vests back then.
JohnnyMora: There goes their secret identities~
sirtmagus: PART 9 I GUESS
sirtmagus: Yeah, if I was Splinter I’d be seething.
JohnnyMora: Isn’t he?!
sirtmagus: …I dunno!
sirtmagus: MUTANT SUBWOOFER
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Kino
JohnnyMora: You idiot
JohnnyMora: !!!!!
JohnnyMora: OH NO
JohnnyMora: SHE’LL BECOME
JohnnyMora: MEGA-WHORE
sirtmagus: She had a scarf. Impossible.
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: Raph blasted Shredder away with ROCK?
JohnnyMora: Toka and Razar~ <3
sirtmagus: “Well, dudes. I’d say that’s pretty much a wrap.”
sirtmagus: “Cowabunga?”
JohnnyMora: :V
sirtmagus: SUPER SHREDDER?
JohnnyMora: oh nooooo
sirtmagus: The final boss!
sirtmagus: Now this is something I can get behind.
sirtmagus: It even made his metal parts sharper.
JohnnyMora: His mask changed, too~
JohnnyMora: and it painted muscles on his suit.
sirtmagus: Shredder. Quit being a dope!
JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: He’s high on ooze!
sirtmagus: OH. :V
sirtmagus: There he goes.
JohnnyMora: It’s like at the end of ZOE
JohnnyMora: Ya gotta just run away~
sirtmagus: The TMNT equivalent of of a Disney villain falling.
sirtmagus: I LOVE BEING A KOOPA.
JohnnyMora: >:V
sirtmagus: I dunno, Shredder survived worse. When he wasn’t pumped full of Ooze.
JohnnyMora: Yayyyy, someone diiiiiiiiied~
sirtmagus: “Thanks for your help………. dudes.”
JohnnyMora: Dudes~
JohnnyMora: “OYYYYYY”
sirtmagus: These guys are FUCKING LIARS.
JohnnyMora: GOD >:
sirtmagus: PART 10
sirtmagus: OH. That’s. It.
JohnnyMora: Well.
JohnnyMora: Now we know the secret of the ooze!
sirtmagus: Splinter seems just fine with his entire philosophy getting shat on.
JohnnyMora: As every parent must be.
sirtmagus: Imagine bringing a kid to see this.
JohnnyMora: This song is so awful.
sirtmagus: What was wrong with GO NINJA GO?
JohnnyMora: It wasn’t stupid and early 90s enough.
JohnnyMora: FRANK WELKER?!
sirtmagus: Is in everything.
sirtmagus: No biggie~
JohnnyMora: oh
JohnnyMora: The kid’s name was Keno.
JohnnyMora: |:s
JohnnyMora: So
sirtmagus: Like anyone involved paid attention to Japanese spelling. Or culture. Or history.
JohnnyMora: I dunno.
JohnnyMora: Most ninjas resort to animal mutation as a form of vengeance.
sirtmagus: And slapping their enemies with sausage links. And balloon doggies.
JohnnyMora: What’s more disrespectful to Asian cultures: this or Mortal Kombat?
sirtmagus: This song sounds like Team Rocket’s singing.
JohnnyMora: :V
sirtmagus: And I dunno how to answer that question.
sirtmagus: I think Mortal Kombat actually adhered to some of the mythology more.
JohnnyMora: OK, so this is the more festering abomination.
JohnnyMora: Still, probably the best martial arts turtle film.
sirtmagus: In MK the ninjas actually killed dudes.
sirtmagus: Well, the new movie actually has a fight scene. \:3
JohnnyMora: But that was PG-13!!!
sirtmagus: Wait, THIS was PG-13!?
JohnnyMora: no!
sirtmagus: Oh oh, MK was.
JohnnyMora: But this had fight scenes, too!
sirtmagus: I respectfully disagree.
sirtmagus: Fight scenes have fights in them.
JohnnyMora: They fought!
sirtmagus: These guys twitter around with props until someone takes a prat fall.
JohnnyMora: How else would you describe their struggles?!
sirtmagus: I just did!
JohnnyMora: No way
JohnnyMora: Keno definitely beat people up!
JohnnyMora: SPUNKADELIC?!
JohnnyMora: MOOV?
sirtmagus: KENO did. The Ninja Turtles were too busy with antics the 3 Stooges wouldn’t even go near!
JohnnyMora: (That’s Your) Consciousness?!
JohnnyMora: These songs and groups are the best.
sirtmagus: Do movies still thank their product placement today?
JohnnyMora: Hrm
sirtmagus: SPECIAL THANKS TO: Coca-Cola, Dunkin’ Donuts, Toys R Us…
JohnnyMora: The Devil
sirtmagus: ..?!
JohnnyMora: He was a sponsor
sirtmagus: oh god.
JohnnyMora: If you think this is bad, you should see Turtles 3
JohnnyMora: Where they go back in time to feudal Japan
JohnnyMora: And give them the gift of pizza.
sirtmagus: The Angry Videogame Nerd reviewed. Looked pretty putrid!
JohnnyMora: And the Ninja Turtles met the power rangers?!
sirtmagus: Whoa, WHAT?
JohnnyMora: Apparently they think the Power Rangers are fictional~
sirtmagus: Get OUTTA here.
JohnnyMora: nope!
sirtmagus: What the hell? FEMALE Ninja Turtle?
JohnnyMora: Times change.
JohnnyMora: Besides
JohnnyMora: Didn’t JP teach us that amphibians can change sex or whatever?
sirtmagus: Nature finds a way.
JohnnyMora: Imagine
JohnnyMora: all the awful turtle spunk she has to put up with.
sirtmagus: “Hey, girl! Remember Ralph Nader? Wasn’t he a DWEEEB?”
JohnnyMora: …Yeah, I meant that kind. :V
JohnnyMora: But man, the jokes in this movie.
JohnnyMora: Weren’t jokes.
JohnnyMora: They were the ramblings of mad men.
sirtmagus: I’m trying to think if there were any I liked. Or at least thought were cute.
JohnnyMora: “COMING”
sirtmagus: uuuughhgghghhhh. Poor Splinter.
sirtmagus: He was like “I clearly don’t give a shit” by the end.
JohnnyMora: Well, what choice did he have?
sirtmagus: Infanticide.
JohnnyMora: He went and saved their jackasses and what kind of respect did they give him?
JohnnyMora: Do you think Splinter could take them all in a fight?!
sirtmagus: In my perfect TMNT movie, absolutely.
JohnnyMora: but he’s decrepit
sirtmagus: He trained the little bastards.
JohnnyMora: and clearly has a worse costume
sirtmagus: Oh, clearly.
sirtmagus: i think in TMNT3 he doesn’t even move anymore.
JohnnyMora: April O’Neil.
JohnnyMora: Do you think she has a life?
sirtmagus: Outside of the Turtles? NOPE.
sirtmagus: What happened to Casey?
JohnnyMora: He fucked her and left.
JohnnyMora: Cuz that’s Casey.
sirtmagus: What a stud.
JohnnyMora: Where was the sexual tension between Raph and April, too?!
sirtmagus: Swept away with their weaponry.
sirtmagus: And HONOR.
JohnnyMora: Well, really, they can’t use their weapons.
JohnnyMora: Since it’d hurt people.
sirtmagus: That’s why they made the Foot Clan into robots.
JohnnyMora: But how was the movie gonna do that?!
sirtmagus: Well, not with that budget.
sirtmagus: What a flawed concept for a kid’s franchise.
JohnnyMora: I want a Usagi Yojimbo anime, though. :3
JohnnyMora: None of this Afro Samurai shit.
sirtmagus: Well, they’re ninjas but they can’t do ANYTHING that a ninja would do… so let’s make them love pizza and rap and sneakers and surfing and Butterfingers and Bart Simpson!
JohnnyMora: But
sirtmagus: And cast Jack the Ripper from Time After Time!
JohnnyMora: What’s wrong with Butterfingers and pizza? :3
sirtmagus: I prefer Godiva.
sirtmagus: And filet mignon.
sirtmagus: With a nice glass of red~
JohnnyMora: You asshole!
sirtmagus: WITH DAVID WARNER FOR STIMULATING CONVERSATION.
JohnnyMora: Still, this movie has the most appetizing intro of all time.
JohnnyMora: om nom nom
sirtmagus: That was pretty slick of them.
sirtmagus: New York should be PROUD.
sirtmagus: To have the Turtles.
sirtmagus: And Spider-Man.
sirtmagus: And the X-Men.
JohnnyMora: And the Fantastic Four.
sirtmagus: And Iron Man, originally.
JohnnyMora: And Blade.
sirtmagus: Blade– oh you’re right, Blade 1. That was retarded.
JohnnyMora: And Spawn?
sirtmagus: Dunno. Probably.
sirtmagus: The Men in Black.
JohnnyMora: That place is crawling with heroes.
JohnnyMora: Turtles should just relax and do what teenagers do best.
sirtmagus: Nothing?
JohnnyMora: Eat pizza and google inappropriate things.
JohnnyMora: So, what was the secret of the ooze?
sirtmagus: Hey, good question. :V
sirtmagus: I liked when they were questioning where they came from. Sorta stuck out amidst the HIJINX and LAFFS.
JohnnyMora: And Don being set adrift and no one giving a fuck.
JohnnyMora: Cuz he’s the only one smart enough to recognize that his existence is pointless.
sirtmagus: It was nice when he was typing at a computer. Cuz he’s like… all… technological and stuff!
sirtmagus: Or at least, that’s the idea.
JohnnyMora: Yeah, but how can he type with huge mutant flippers?
sirtmagus: Don and Mikey might’ve been the only ones to keep in character. Otherwise they were all just Mikey clones.
sirtmagus: Leo didn’t do any leading.
sirtmagus: Raph didn’t do any ANGER.
JohnnyMora: YES HE DID
sirtmagus: Oh when
JohnnyMora: He totally stormed away from the group for five seconds.
sirtmagus: I must’ve missed that.
JohnnyMora: You did!
sirtmagus: There was no “DAMMIT!” that the entire city could hear.
sirtmagus: There was no TRENCHCOAT.
JohnnyMora: He didn’t want to go house hunting, he wanted to go kick ninja ass, remember?!
sirtmagus: But then he’d kick ninja ass by throwing custard creme pies at them! >>>>:
sirtmagus: Sais? Who needs sais?
JohnnyMora: Man, I WISH!
JohnnyMora: Toka & Razar: adequate replacements for Bebop and Rocksteady?
sirtmagus: Kinda. Those two were probably the worst part of the cartoon.
sirtmagus: The Bulk and Skull of the show.
sirtmagus: But man, Shredder’s tantrums at their bullshit was the best.
JohnnyMora: “They’re… BABIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES”
JohnnyMora: I feel that way whenever I have to look at Baby Bowser in a Mario game.
sirtmagus: That’s another discussion. The worst Mario character.
JohnnyMora: Baby Waluigi
JohnnyMora: [/discussion]
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One Response to “Happy Holidays – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze”

  1. Rick Says:

    I forgot that I’d read this earlier today.

    Here come the SUPER-COMMENTOS. Except not really. I love this movie solely for its ability to be a stupid idea for a kids franchise, but if I watched it without my rose-colored nostalgia glasses, I’d probably wind up just yelling obscenities at how offensive it is to good movies everywhere.

    That said, I had to look up Rule 34 because I had no idea what it was. Obviously you guys are bigger pervs than me! =D Also, the Surf Ninjas line cracked me up. Where’s the grump on THAT?

    All in all, a fine grump. Perhaps not as good as the others of this nature, but it’s likely because I grew up on the Turtles and a good portion of your own comedic musings have passed my lips or ears in that interim. Not that you guys are unoriginal hacks or anything, just that sometimes it’s been said before. Still a great time.

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