Happy Holidays – Labyrinth: Remind Me of the Babe

by

John: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=Cult80s&view=playlists
Tim: ..!!
Tim: OK I gotta get into my MOVIE COMMENTIN’ MINDSET
John: Is that like channeling spirits?
John: Like
John: you call upon the powers of MST3K?
John: “CROWWWW, HEAR MY PRAAAAAAAAAYERS”
Tim: I shoot myself in the head with an Evoker and a big red Tom Servo shows up before me.
Tim: ZIO!!!
John: BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY
Tim: ok GO
John: The Columbia TriStar logo is associated so closely with movies I loved in my childhood. :3
Tim: My gosh, I only think of that white horse when I don’t want to sneeze.
John: Ooh, this looks pretty good in high quality
John: This is a CGI Owel
John:
John: Or owl
Tim: JENNIFER CONNELLY. Unf.
John: gaze upon it and know the power of technology
John: in 1985
Tim:Movies don’t have LOGOS anymore do they?
John: They’re always at the end
John: It’s onlyyyy forevaaaaaaaaaa
John: Bowie, you magnificent, creepy bastard.
Tim: Years before Frank Oz gave us STEPFUHD WIVES.
John: NO LOVE INJECTION NAH NAH
John: I didn’t get that until muuuuuuch later in life.
John: cuzithurtslikehell
John: Man
John: This song
Tim: TERRY JONES?
John: Takes me all the way back
Tim: Monty Python Terry Jones?!
John: Yes.
Tim: Get. Out.
Tim: LUCAS?
John: Nope!
John: :D
Tim: Henson DIRECTED this?!
John: YES
John: YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS TRIFLING SHIT?
John: Think again, boy.


Tim: Oh wow. Delicious Connelly immediately.
John: I know
John: This and Phenomena
Tim: Why did she have to grow up. And grow a jaw.
John: She does have a powerful mandible, doesn’t she
John: And she’s playing a renn faire bitch in this. |:[
Tim: Merlin the Sheep Dog.
John: oh god awesome 80s sax
Tim: The best sax.
John: I always kind of wanted to live in this town
Tim: That’s half the reason I love the Lethal Weapon movies.
John: The other half is your crush on Danny Glover.
Tim: IT JUST GOT REVOKED.
John: “OHHH IT’S NOT FAIRRRRRRR”
Tim: Ugh, filthy wet dog.
John: God, I know
John: It took me until years later when I was an adult to know Jennifer was being a total cunt in this scene.
Tim: Movie houses are always so opulent.
John: “WHY CAN’T MY STUPID DIRTY DOG COME INSIIIIIIDE”
John: Totally
John: This and Richie Rich.
John: Set me up for disappointment in life.
Tim: Movies do that!
John: Oh and Blank Check.
John: Where’s myyyyyyy blank check, Disney?!
John: Oh my god her room is full of girl geek shit.
John: We all knew girls like this.
John: But in real life they have horrible acne.
John: lol
John: she hadn’t learned to act yet
Tim: Someone’s been reading Arthurian legend again!
John: “I HATE YOUUUUUUU”
John: uggghhhh
John: That is an awful teary baby, though
John: full of snot
Tim: Jeez, this house is so whitewashed.
John: WASPs
John: They take it seriously.
Tim: Where’s Waldo hat!
John: It’s a skull cap, really.
John: Haha, I love these fuckers.
Tim: Oh god. What are these creatures.
Tim: KID, SHE’S TRYING TO TELL A STORY.
John: Where’s Claire to scream about her BAYBEE
Tim: WE HAVE TO GO BACK, JENNIFER
Tim: WE HAVE TO GO BAAAAACK
Tim: Haha, big dumb goblin.
John: Great puppet designs :3
Tim: Jennifer’s so into it.
John: This is how you know Terry Jones wrote it :3
John: Goblins are pissed at her theatricality.
Tim: “…It’s only a model.”
Tim: PART 2~
John: What’s that from, again? D:
Tim: Oh c’mon, man. Holy Grail.
John: ohhh
Tim: PATSY.
John: man, been too long
Tim: Sweet, sweet Connelly close-up.
John: lol
John: She will google her name one day
John: see this
John: and a shiver will run down her spine
Tim: and whisk me away~
Tim: oh. :c
Tim: She’s gotta dump that Limey gargoyle SOME day.
John: You already had your Connelly moment.
John: Where’s miiiiiiine
John: GASP
John: OWL
Tim: Oh goodness. Her love is like a NIGHT TRAP!
John: Seriously
John: Dana Plato would know what to do
Tim: Hedwig busts in and fences her VCR.
John: It’s no owl!
John: It’s a glam rock god!
Tim: Oh man. His voice.
John: Jareth is so fucking awesome
John: And yes
John: That voice.
John: THAT.
John: VOICE.
John: “Play with your toyyyyyyyyys”
Tim: You think these two still correspond?
John: I hope
John: He ushered her into womanhood~
John: Fucking awesome crystal
Tim: Jareth, you cad.
John: This movie has so many awesome hooks in me.
John: She changes her tune fucking fast.
Tim: WHOA. From crystal ball to snake to scarf to SCARF DOG?
John: He did it for the lolz
John: “Do you still want to look for him?”
John: “No.”


Tim: Whaaat. They don’t go through a portal or something?
John: no
John: Were you hoping for one?
Tim: Golly. No, I like the seamless transition.
John: I think Bowie can do that in real life.
Tim: “C’mon, feet. C’mon, hands. C’mon, pancreas…”
John: She spends her 13 hours naming anatomical parts.
John: pissing dwarf!
Tim: Jennifer, where are your manners?!
John: She didn’t even offer to lift it for him!
Tim: :\
Tim: How crass!
John: OR IS IT
Tim: Of course Terry Jones would kill faeries.
John: Broke Brian Froud’s heart
John: This movie’s full of people giving Jennifer a hard time.
Tim: That’s quite a trench. I half-expect an X-Wing to swoop in.
John: The labyrinth is David Bowie’s colon?!
Tim: His brick-lined, dwarf-infested colon.
Tim: Did she say HOGWART?
John: Yes.
John: That fucking thief, Rowling.
John: I love this music
Tim: Ugh horrible eye fungus.
John: Funky bass
John: Keyboards
John: DRUMS
John: You don’t get movie scores like this anymore.
Tim: If only the 80s lasted forever.
Tim: PART 3~
John: The property value of this labyrinth is down the tubes.
Tim: “YEAHH, S’RIGHT.”
John: Awesome little worm :3
Tim: I love this worm already.
John: She is awfully accepting of these people.
Tim: The worm’s offering tea! Of course she’s accepting.
Tim: He’s got a darling little red scarf. And needs a haircut.
John: In other words he reminds you of you.
Tim: Oh man, Indiana Jones stole that illusion bit four years later.
John: This movie has it alllll
John: lol
Tim: And yes. I’m a chimney sweeping worm, too.
John: worm
John: you fucker
John: oh my, i’m quite the salty sailor today :3
Tim: What do these creatures WANT with this kid?!
John: to
John: uh
John: um
Tim: CHICKEN.
John: I think Jareth wants to gay adopt.
Tim: SONG TIME?!
John: YUP
John: Bowie is the best pairing Henson could’ve asked for.
Tim: Is that a crystal microphone?!
John: Yes
Tim: He is so fab.
John: Very expensive.
John: How did they pull off this many puppets?!
Tim: Bowie has no idea this is a movie.
John: lol
John: totally
Tim: This is a regular afternoon for him.
John: Hangin’ out with goblins and singing songs
John: He knows how to live it up.
John: Italian little person!?
Tim: Yeah, THAT was unexpected.
John: Jareth has no idea how to care for a child. |:[
John: He would need to babyproof his whole castle.
John: And how is that baby not terrified?!
Tim: WHOA. He really trusted that goblin with the SPIKED HELMET to catch that baby.
John: See? Irresponsible.
ohn: This part confused me so much as a kid.
Tim: I’m… having a tough time gathering my thoughts on it, too.
Tim: So is Jennifer!
John: These guys are pips, though
John: lawl
Tim: She’s a good sport about this whole thing.OH WAIT, IT’S THE PULSE REMAKE.
John: OH GOD NOOOOO
John: These hands… so creative!
Tim: So weird.
John: So Henson.
John:
John: Jennifer, you’re an idiot.
John: PART 43
John:
Tim: This movie is just a barrel of goofy concepts.
John: 4!
John: Gaze into Bowie’s bubble.
Tim: Yangus from Dragon Quest 8 is somewhere back there.
John: His accent would fit in.
Tim: So would his hat.
John: and disgusting hygiene.
Tim: Is Frank Oz every non-human character?!
John: Hoggle is such a great puppet.
Tim: Is he a puppet… or a midget? OR A MUPPET?
John: BOTH
Tim: !!!!!!
John: That’s the beauty!
John: I wish Rygel was here.
Tim: Why stop at Rygel? I WISH D’ARGO AND CHIANA WERE THERE TOOOO
John: Because they weren’t MUPPETS.
Tim: D’Argo wouldn’t count?
John: no
Tim: He has TENTACLES.
John: Makeup doesn’t count!!!
Tim: Oh c’mon.
Tim: Stone faces that bring you down.
Tim: DUDE THAT WAS THE CAVE OF WONDERS’ VOICE
John: That’s my fallback career plan.
Tim: Heh, this is such a Python-esque bit.
John: And lovely x3
John: ahhh yes, I love this next bit
Tim: NOTHING TRA LA LA?
John: :D
John: oh god
Tim: Best entrance of all time.
John: his unit
John: in full view
John: the lighting guys loved it
John: Jareth is so fashion-conscious
Tim: I like no one can get this dwarf’s name right.
John: jeez
John: his face
Tim: It’s a piece of cake. :3
John: is so CLOSE
John: to the unit
John: Jennifer is such an IDIOT
John: Don’t TAUNT the omnipotent goblin king!
Tim: OH JEEZ. Tap A rapidly, Jennifer!
John: Jareth and Jafar: love their puns
John: RE4 stole this, too
John: EVERYTHING STOLE FROM THIS
Tim: Well. I think Lewis Caroll would like a word with this movie.
John: He’s too busy stoning out
John: and being dead
Tim: He’d say… “CHANGE SEATS!!”
John: x3
John: “I dont’ want to understand your position I want ALLLLL POSITIONNNNNNNNS”
Tim: I think I shared a dorm with the Bog of Eternal Stench in college.
John: I showered in it.
John: Taunting a midget is so easy!
Tim: WHAT’S THIS FELLOW?
John: D:
Tim: Oh god. His growth is a bird.
John: Woo woo woooo!
Tim: Is this guy… Ed Asner?! Oh. No.
Tim: PART 5~
John: jeez, you’re always ahead :3
Tim: Connelly’s so patient with this mutant.
John: I never knew what this guy was even doing in a labyrinth.
Tim: Maybe he was banished there for his horrible Spanish avian affliction.
John: even worse than las plagas
Tim: WOLF PINATA
John: wolf?!
Tim: oh jesus that’s no wolf :0
John: ugh
John: and they ripped the tongues out of xenomorphs
Tim: These are the worst… things.
John: The five stooges
John: no
John: the worst things are to come
John: You’ll know them when you see them.
John: This guy’s pretty cool :3
Tim: Connelly, stop being so enchanting.
John: She can’t
Tim: I… I can’t… TAKE IT.
John: [torch song]
Tim: o___o
Tim: FRRRRIEND?
John: x3~~~~~
John: She made friends with a nice retarded monster.
Tim: I oughtta tie myself up in a tree one day. Pick up chicks that way.
John: It won’t be Jennifer that finds you.
John: Mayyyyyyyybe you’ll get Juliette Lewis.
Tim: {:[
John: I thought so.
John: She is so invigorated now!
Tim: OH. Talking… knockers.
Tim: Doesn’t anyone in the Labyrinth get along?
John: They certainly do take puppets in unusual directions.
John: No
John: They live in a LABYRINTH.
Tim: They’re all grouchy members of Parliament.
John: Luto, you awesome guy. |:3
John: It’s a FF forest.
Tim: Ooh, is this the BOG?
John: no
John: you’ll know the bog
John: god, will you ever
Tim: Japanese RPG designers totally took notes watching this.
Tim: Jareth alone is like… responsible for Gackt.
John: Except on the lovable characters.
John: And clever jokes.
Tim: Ultros wasn’t clever?!
John: :|
Tim: \:3
John: Man
John: that FACE
John: such a neat, throwaway touch
John: Jareth also dresses like Edea
Tim: PART 6~
John: GIVE HER FRESH FRUIT
John: I’m concerned about her nutrition :3
John: Jareth is talking to us, Magus.
John: oh jesus that codpiece
Tim: Hey, I’d LIKE to ne Prince of the Land of Stench!
Tim: At least I’d be Prince of SOMETHING.
John: oh dear
Tim: WHAT
Tim: WHAT ARE THESE THINGS
John: THESE are the worst things.
John: Awful song
John: Awful puppets
John: Worst part of the movie
Tim: Yeah, I’m not 100% with this.
John: All of a sudden: REGGAE-POP
John: And their disgusting eyes
John: And obvious blue-screening
Tim: This should’ve been cut.
Tim: Reminds me of that JEDI ROCKS song.
John: never heard of it!
John: And I agree, this is the sort of thing you’d expect in a deleted scenes menu.
Tim: If you saw the Return of the Jedi special edition, or whatever then you heard it.
John: Oh?
John: Then I probably… loved it! :3
Tim: Yeah, instead of just the Twi’lek dancer it’s this whole number with some awful CGI thing shoving its lips in your face.
John: =D
Tim: And Boba Fett is all like “Yeahhh, babe” with some alien lady.
John: Well
John: wouldn’t he be?!
Tim: PERHAPS.
Tim: But it was embarrassing. LIKE THIS.
John: Of all the things to call embarrassing
John: You had to say it before the next segment :3
John: Every kids’ movie needs a part with a slide.
Tim: WAIT
John: LOL
Tim: THIS is the Bog of Eternal Stench?!
John: yes
Tim: FARTS?
John: YES
John: huge pulsating anuses
Tim: So it’s Prey.
John: ?!
Tim: That… FPS game with Indians and aliens. And sphincters.
John: I think I rightfully ignored it.
Tim: You did.
Tim: OH HEY, Luto!
Tim: …Ryudo?
John: D:\
Tim: Luto has no clue what’s going on.
Tim: Except for the stink.
John: He’s retarded, of course not.


John: I looooooooove this
Tim: What’s this fox swashbuckler’s deal?!
John: :D
John: He’s
John: the best
John: there is at what he does
John: COLOSSUS MUSIC
Tim: AGRO!!!!
John: he comes in a bit
Tim: This scrappy little fox dog thing. >:
John: You don’t like him!?
Tim: He’s a nuisance!
Tim: And now Luto murdered him.
Tim: OH. WAIT. There he is.
John: SMEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Tim: wait… is he… gonna JOIN THEIR PARTY?
John: [suikoden jingle]
Tim: PART 7~
Tim: Yes, Jennifer. Logic.
John: oh god
John: a PLANK
John: [dramatic music]
Tim: It’s DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP.
John: Ugh
Tim: Did Luto summon that boulder?
John: Luto has awful gummy teeth
John: “Sure. Rocks friends.”
Tim: “Whatever.”
Tim: FART FART FART FART
John: How can anyone not love this
John: There’s Agro!
Tim: I’m used to it. I drive by the New Jersey Meadowlands sometimes.
Tim: ON THE TURNPIKE.
Tim: BAM.
John: This isn’t even a labyrinth anymore wtf
Tim: Yeah. It’s a forest. WITH ONE PATH.
John: JRPGs did learn too much :[
Tim: So is Bowie like… gonna transfer the kid’s life energies into his own? Or something?
John: What makes you think it’s that insidious?!
John: He just wants the kid!
Tim: Because I don’t know WHAT it is!
Tim: Connelly hates this fruit.
John: What a drama queen.
Tim: Holy crap, Bear McCreary scored this part.
John: “I hate this fruit I’m just gonna play it up to make Hoggle feel bad!”
John: lol
John: “It’s… the Pegasus!”
Tim: BY THE GODS.
John: [erotic thriller sax]
Tim: Mickey Rourke shows up, shirtless and awful.
Tim: Starts rubbing himself all over the set
John: Bowie would approve.
Tim: Absolutely.
Tim: William Hurt and Kathleen Turner stroll in. UNF.
John: They just totally left her behind.
John: What unreliable friends.
Tim: Well he did just give her the Fruit of Ennui. Or something.
John: Look.
Tim: WHOA. Jennifer’s gorgeous and all but where’d she get all that extra hair?!
John: It’s every nerdy high school girl’s dream.
John: A shitty costume ball.
John: With David Bowie seducing you.
John: And you’re suddenly Jennifer Connelly with 36 feet of hair.


Tim: I wish school dances WERE like this.
John: Baroque and invading your personal space?!
Tim: Full of BOWIE.
John: With Bowie trying to mack on all the young wimminz?!
Tim: My China Girl… just shut your mouuuuttthhhhhh
John: This is the best song Bowie made in the 80s.
Tim: Really? WHY NOT CHINA GIRL
Tim: And she said… Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
John: This DOES look like a Gackt video.
Tim: Doesn’t it?!
Tim: He’s got that whole glam vampire thing going on.
John: Glam goblin.
John: Glamblin?!
John: Oh no!
Tim: GLAMBLIN.
John: The ball was a trick!
Tim: Crap. The giant mirror is always in the way when I wanna find the bathroom.
John: I wish you could just
Tim: PART 8~
John: Make people fly away like that.
John: I guess everyone is down in the DUMPS olol
Tim: Oh man. From magnificent ball to THE GARBAGE DUMP OF REALITY.
John: Bad trip, yo.
Tim: The Brave Little Toaster’s in there somewhere.
John: Get a better supplier.
John: So is Shredder.
Tim: And Harry Connick Junior.
John: And… Mickey Rourke. :]
John:
John: :[
Tim: :[
Tim: This old woman reminds me of the awful Brazil babies.
John: She reminds me of Howl’s Moving Castle for some reason.
Tim: The… WITCH OF THE WASTE?
Tim: Jennifer it’s just another trick!
John: How do you know the next half an hour isn’t credits?!
John: I would so kick this lady out.
Tim: HERE’S YOUR PANDA SLIPPERS THAT’S RIGHT THAT’S OK
Tim: Jesus, piss off, grandma.
John: She’s OBNOXIOUS
John: She’s… trying to turn Jennifer into a dump heap, too :(
John: CHARLIE BEAR~
Tim: She’s teaching Jennifer that materialism and being a pack rat is ANNOYING.
John: That is so junk, lady
Tim: She has terrible taste in tchochkes.
Tim: I have no idea how to spell that word.
Tim: BLUTO.
John: She could furnish a renn faire TGI Friday’s with her room.
Tim: Or just a regular Applebee’s.
John: sleepy guard :3
Tim: lol that guard gives no shits.
John: he’s not even paid anything!!!
Tim: He doesn’t even HAVE to BE there.
John: Sir Didymus is so awesome
Tim: Oh NO. A MECHA.
John: GIANT
John: MUPPET
John: :o
John: It’s El Gigante.
Tim: That dog just whinnied.
John: The spikes just wobbled like plastic.
Tim: This is pretty good and all but the Rancor is better.
John: It was piloted by Lakitu all along!
Tim: Friggin’ Lakitu. Go back to fishing Luigi out of water.
John: Leave Baby Waluigi in there, though.
Tim: For the love of… GRODD.
Tim: Hoggle just made mincemeat of that robot.
John: How on earth did Hoggle manage that.
Tim: His… GUILT drove him.
John: It just… blew up!
John: Beauty always charms the beast~
John: That’s, like, every role she’s had :|
Tim: Here are your belongs Hoggle: some string, lint, a coat button…
Tim: *BELONGINGS
John: $5.99 bracelet from Target…
Tim: Was Target around then? K-Mart was right?
John: Sure.
John: Jareth would never wear such tacky things.
Tim: PART 9~
Tim: He’d banish them to the Swamp of Eternal Butt Gas.
John: This is pretty cozy for a goblin city.
Tim: It’s even got a chicken!
Tim: Somewhere…
John: I love that sheep dog.
Tim: THERE’S THE CHICKEN.
Tim: MORE OF THEM!!
John: SEVERAL
John: This is totally the beginning of RE4.
Tim: MATELO.
John: MIERDA
Tim: Yeah, my favorite part was when Leon Kennedy rode a sheep dog around town.
John: Oh god. If ONLY.
John: Maybe it’s in Degeneration.
Tim: Yelling “YAH, MULE!! YAH!!”
John: Instead of segways, the airport has sheep dogs.
Tim: Whoa, the goblins have YOSHIS?
John: They’re riding Yoshis.
Tim: TALLY-HO!
John: This movie really inspired EVERYTHING.
Tim: EVERYTHING. This movie began imagination.
Tim: This set is friggin’ great.
Tim: Or. Whatever it is. Where this action is happening.
Tim: Maybe they’re on one giant Muppet.
John: It’s happening in David Bowie’s estate.
Tim: POWER RANGER GOBLINS.
John: SENTAI
John: Goblins… GATTAI!
Tim: HENSHIN.
John: into… GLAMLIN!
Tim: OH! Luto summoned the Boulder Boys.
John: I wish these boulders had voiceovers, too.
Tim: AH CHICKENS BE CAREFUL ;__;
Tim: They’d sound like Dick Van Dyke from Merry Poppins.
Tim: MARY POPPINS.
John: Jareth isn’t using his CO powers very well.
Tim: Now he needs to refill his… guage. :0
Tim: This is just wackiness.
John: This SONG
Tim: A MACHINE GUN?
Tim: That’s the biggest twist of all.
John: “‘Ey. No problem~”
Tim: :-D
Tim: He has no problem getting SMUSHED.
John: IT’s the witch’s castle from Wizard of Oz.
John: This is the biggest bullshit.
Tim: How about a little KIBBLES AND BITS, Sheep Dog~
John: Jennifer, take your friends with you!!
John: This room
Tim: WHOA. Escher time.
John: Is the best set ever.
John: As a kid I thought this was the best scene ever made.
Tim: They just filmed this in Bowie’s foyer.
John: No effects needed.
Tim: At all.


Tim: YOUR EYES CAN BE SO CRUEL, JENNIFER
John: This song is swank, too
John: Bowie has had it up to HERE with her shit!
Tim: C’mon, Jennifer. Believe in yourself.
Tim: PART 10~ FINAL SHOWDOOOWWWWNNN
John: This baby’s cheating.
Tim: Friggin’ using a Game Genie.
John: It’s using no clipping.
Tim: Don’t do it, Tobey Maguire.
John: Best scene transition ever?
Tim: Now she’s in Dissidia.
John: OH GOD
John: SHE’S FACING
John: WHITE OWL GLAM BOWIE
John: His final form.
Tim: …!!!!
John: Bowie makes a point.
Tim: Villains often do in their SPEECHES.
Tim: “Stop… wait… I can’t stand to hear you any longer.”
John: I’d take him up on the offer.
Tim: …what exactly is his offer
John: There it is!
Tim: EVERYTHING YOU WANT?
John: YES
Tim: …A BOWIE SLAVE?
John: WHY NOT
John: He is so disappointed.
Tim: See ya, owl.
Tim: Toby’s like “Whatever.”
John: Those sleeves on her are so billowy.
Tim: You could put her in a burlap sack and it’d be the most beautiful burlap sack YOU’D SEE.
John: I’ve seen some handsome sacks, man, I dunnooooo
John: Luto :c
John: don’t break my heart~
Tim: SHE NEEDS HER POSTER OF CATS.
John: AWRIGHT
John: PIZZA PARTY
Tim: WOOOOO
Tim: Let’s order Burger King and play Mario 2 all night!
John: I’d kick out that awful reggae thing, though.
Tim: Oh certainly.
John: Jareth is all left out.
Tim: Just grind the party to a halt. Open the door. And point the little bastard out the door.
John: WOOO
John: Now the song breaks down into the funk
Tim: The Funkyrinth.
John: Man
Tim: GOBLIN CORPS.
John: This movie is one of my favorites ever.
Tim: Now tell me why.
John: MAN
John: YOU JUST SAW WHY
Tim: “Now tell my why” should be read in a Bowie voice, btw. >:3
Tim: *ME
John: It’s full of whimsy and awesome design and Jennifer Connelly.
John: And BOWIE~
Tim: It is very whimsical.
John: I mean, the puppet designs got so OUT THERE and varied!
Tim: I was beginning to think all it HAD was whimsy and production design until about… part 7 (about 70 minutes in or so) once it started to look like Jennifer was learning about what a childish rat she is.
John: Yes, the movie is made for kids, but the message doesn’t really set in until about college or so.
Tim: With all her stupid trinkets and crap in her room.
John: That final scene, where she’s looking in the mirror at Hoggle and telling him that every now and again she’ll need them, for no reason at all.
John: Haven’t we all thought that?
John: About how we’d like to return to our childish things? Isn’t that half of what this series is ABOUT?!
Tim: Yes. Yes it is. :C
Tim: Heck, I spent New Year’s watching Aladdin with my brothers and some friends.
John: So this movie teaches people that you have to grow up, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave your imagination at the door.
Tim: well, Henson certainly lived by that.
John: And this movie was his warning against people that took him the wrong way.
John: Keeping your imagination doesn’t mean being a spoiled, self-centered brat.
John: “IT’S NOT FAAAAAAIIIIRRRRRRRR”
Tim: Man, you got this movie down.
Tim: And its… PHILOSOPHY.
John: I’ve lived with it since I was a TODDLER.
John: I live and BREATHE this movie.
Tim: Even the Bog?!
John: But… what say you, a newcomer into the fold? }:3
Tim: Well my feelings on Connelly are well-documented. Bowie’s fantastic. The sets and designs of everything are probably the best of its kind. Mirror Mask and Brothers Grimm and other movies have tried this similar style and they just didn’t… click. I thought of Hellboy 2, too. But even that started to outlast its welcome.
John: Oh god
John: Let me rip on Mirrormask for a bit.
Tim: So I think Labyrinth did just about everything right save for a lull — okay, shoot.
John: I rented it, thinking it would be a sort of spiritual successor to the earlier Henson productions like this.
John: Instead I got a movie that reeked of desperation to recapture the lightning in a bottle that was this movie. It had just about everything this had, only worse. Same Alice in Wonderland/Wizard of Oz plot template.
John: Except instead of awesome puppetry and innovative effects, it was shit-poor production design and acres of sterile, abstract CG.
John: This movie had warmth and a lived-in feeling whereas Mirrormask felt like a freshly-scrubbed hospital hall.
John: The ONLY thing they did right in Mirrormask was cast an adorable moppet in the lead role. Otherwise it is an insult to Labyrinth’s memory.
John: whew. continue. :3
Tim: The lived-in feel of Labyrinth was great. You got the sense this was some strange other universe. That was painstakingly crafted by Henson and his crew. You don’t get that same feeling with CG. I guess, at least, not until Lord of the Rings.
John: But even then, Jackson has his roots in more practical effects.
Tim: Oh, yeah. I caught the beginning of Dead Alive last night. :-D
Tim: And Labyrinth’s COLORFUL. And so well lit. Like it’s always late afternoon in Labyrinth. I really liked that.
Tim: That orange sky at the beginning…
John: Me too, I never even thought of it that way!!
Tim: Like it’s always after school.
Tim: WHEN YOU’RE FREEEEE
John: This movie was a Saturday night ritual for me as a kid.
John: I watched it more times than the editor, I assure you.
Tim: Golly.
John: I wanted to take it in to daycare on my birthday, because we could all pick a movie to bring in and have everyone watch on our birthdays. So I picked Labyrinth. And they wouldn’t show it because some kid was frightened of the VHS cover.
Tim: Whaaaaat


Tim: There are much more frightening kid’s movies.
John: We watched Flintstones meet the Jetsons instead or some other BS.
Tim: Don Bluth’s entire output is friggin’ nightmarish.
John: But this movie has so many things that just capture the eyes and imaginations of kids.
John: That crystal ball stuff?! That’s so cool!!!
John: The Escher room!?!??!!? Blew. My. Mind.
Tim: This was nice and innocent for the most part. I think the matchstick-lighting reggae-pop dudes were the worst part. And there was a part around when the Bird Head Guy showed up I thought “Oh great, is this just gonna be another HEY LOOK AT OUR WACKY IDEAS movie like Batman Returns or Hellboy 2?”
John: Well.
Tim: But then that thought was dispelled once Grandma Garbage showed up with her “You’re a spoiled brat, cut it out” stuff.
John: But.
John: Even when it is just a string of wacky, outlandish production design, it’s witty! And entertaining!
Tim: Mostly, yes. Until bluescreen matchstick jerks.
John: Well, yes. I have no idea what they were thinking.
Tim: The tea-offering worm is probably my favorite.
John: Even as a kid I thought it was boring as hell.
John: REALLY.
Tim: Oh yeah. There are some things kids will just know they’re crappy.
John: Hmm. The Escher room’s my favorite. :3
John: As a kid I used to pretend I was there and re-enact it. x3
John: What do you think of the quality of Bowie’s song craftsmanship for the movie?
Tim: Dance Magic Dance is in my head still.
John: That, Underground, Within You… oh man, except for that stupid reggae Chillydown, they’re ALL great in my book.
John: And a nice supporting score, too :3
John: Nice and 80s. |:3
Tim: Oh yeah the score was terrific.
John: Bear just samples those guitars and saxes whenever he needs them.
Tim: There’s something about 80s scores… it’s a kind of magic. >:3
John: Lutoooooooooooo~~~
Tim: Was kind… of a moron.
Tim: Hey, that rock summoning power is handy though!
Tim: That climax was pretty cool.
John: I think he was eminently lovable. :3
John: I dunno, bored me as a kid.
John: I can appreciate it a biiiiiit more as an adult.
John: Guess I’ve never been much for action. {:3
Tim: I mean, it’s just running around and throwing rocks at chickens but it’s not bad. The final confrontation between Jareth and Sarah takes the cake of course.
John: That kid was using God mode or something, I swear.
John: But Jareth, what a creep. Pedophile man in tights that kidnaps children.
Tim: But he did because Sarah wanted him to!
Tim: And he just sung to the kid.
Tim: …In a dungeon.
Tim: Surrounded by British goblins.
John: With precariously pointy helmets!
John: But man, that is just what I’m talking about: he’s chasing after a teenage girl! Why can’t he get a girl his own age/!
Tim: He kinda looked like the last human in that world…
Tim: He’s like Dr. Robotnik.
John: He… turned everyone else into a goblin?
Tim: …MAYBE. He threatened to turn Hobble into a prince. Maybe it goes both ways.
Tim: We don’t really know the history of the Labyrinth do we!
John: We know that it becomes progressively un-labyrinth-like near the center!!
Tim: But then it turns into the ultimate labyrinth once you reach David Bowie’s foyer.
John: This was just about the perfect role for a creepy fop like him.
Tim: Now I gotta see The Man Who Fell to Earth.
John: It’s on my queue, too.
John: He makes a good Tesla, too. |:3
Tim: Absolutely. He even had a goblin sidekick in that too!
John: Here’s a fun fact, though: the mecha goblin at the end of the movie was the largest Muppet ever made.
Tim: HOW TALL?
John: … I don’t know!!
Tim: We’ll just have to wish our awful whiny baby brothers away to find out.
John: Here’s something awesome that happened to me, though.
John: The film was getting digitally remastered in high definition, and Sony was rereleasing prints of the film out to movie theaters for special screenings. Film Walrus invited me up to St. Louis for a visit and they were showing it! So we went and I can’t even begin to tell you the camaraderie that was among the fans of this movie.
John: We all laughed and were enthralled at the same parts.
Tim: Ooooh.
John: When that funky score started up at the beginning in David Bowie’s colon, I just had to turn my head toward Film Walrus’ brother and give a look and we both got stupid grins on our face and cracked up.
John: It was like that the whole time. I can’t even believe how magical it was~
John: One of the coolest things I’ve ever gotten to do.
Tim: Sounds like it. I haven’t been to a special screening in a whiiile.
Tim: Or, well. ANY SCREENING. Thank you, YouTube for giving us Labyrinth tonight.
John: Thank you, Cult80s, for your dovetailing interests.
John: Oh. Wait. I can’t mention this without also mentioning the SEQUEL this got.
Tim: Ohhh.
Tim: Was it a manga? Or something?
John: Yes. A manga.
John: Can you guess the plot?
Tim: Is she grown up? And Bowie is like “Damn, girl, you were smokin’ in Rocketeer” and he pulls her back into the Labyrinth?
John: It’s just like that except put Tobey in her place.
Tim:
John:
Tim: >:\
John: Yeah.
John: This movie got sort of a scary female following, what with Jareth and Bowie and all.
Tim: Happens every generation I guess. Friggin’. Twilight.
John: And then somehow this got mixed up in manga/yaoi fangirls.
John: So the abomination Return to Labyrinth was made.
John: With awful generic amerimanga bishounen designs.
Tim: Was it a Japanese artist?
John: The cover, yes.


Tim: The COVER?
John: They had a really good cover just to deceive you into buying it.
John: The inside was a DeviantART horror story.
John: I swear, it must take next to no actual talent to get picked up by American manga publishers, because none of their product looks any good.
Tim: I guess that doesn’t upset me as much then. I was thinking why pass up the chance for gorgeous Jennifer Connelly manga art? But there’s NO Connelly and the art SUCKS anyway?
John: Totally.
John: Oh well. At least they didn’t really embarrass the memory of this with a crappy CG film or whatever they’re planning on doing for The Dark Crystal.
Tim: Is that really happening?
John: I hope to god not.
John: So. Will you show this to your children? :3
Tim: Once I spirit a few away to my goblin world, sure.
Tim: ~END~ ?
John: remind me of the babe~

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6 Responses to “Happy Holidays – Labyrinth: Remind Me of the Babe”

  1. Valkysas Says:

    ctrl+f + DBU = No Results = Terrible article.

  2. John Mora Says:

    HIS UNIT IS BRIEFLY MENTIONED

  3. Loki Says:

    You are both stupid babies for hating on The Fire Gang. Those head removin’ fools are my favorite part of the movie. I love their song. I love their crazy designs. I love the horrible blue screen.

    Good times, bad food
    When your thing gets wild
    Chilly down, chilly down

    CHILLY DOWN!

    Also Mirror Mask is great and you’re missing the point trying to compare it to Labyrinth.

    Otherwise, fun article.

  4. John Mora Says:

    Explain to me in a convincing argument how I missed the point with Mirrormask.

  5. sirtmagus Says:

    While juggling your own head!

  6. Rick Says:

    I still dislike this movie, but I had a blast reading this Grump! You guys haven’t been so quotable since probably Mortal Kombat. Every few lines I found something else to chuckle over or honest-to-goodness laugh out loud about. Keep up the good work. =D

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