Liveblahging the Blahscars – Blegh Blegh Blegh

by

Tonight.

Channel ABC.

8 PM EST.

Witness the horror unfold.

Almost as bad as when Kriptun explode'd

———————————-

6:37 PM EST – Oh lawdy. The awards show itself doesn’t even start until 8:30. First we gotta fawn at what everyone’s wearing for half an hour. ABC’s already live on the scene uurrrgghhh.

I wonder what the kids from Slumdog Millionaire are wearing tonight!

7:40 – Oh good, the Barbara Walters Special. Let’s learn all about Mickey Rourke and his dog’s disappointment in him. Insane.

7:43 – Barbara Walters describes X-Men Origins: Wolverine as “one of the most anticipated movies of 2009.” If you still look forward to X-Men movies, I guess. She describes the character as “a sort of moody Elvis.” Hrm. I think I’ll go get dinner now …

7:56 – Oh, be sure to instant message either John Mora (JohnnyMora) or myself (sirtmagus) on AIM to join our live Blahscar Chat Party. I’ll paste the best of your comments into the liveblog. With permission, of course.

8:05 – Brad Pitt couldn’t wait to get away from Tim Gunn. I think I still like Brad Pitt.

8:15 – Anne Hathaway is a mermaid.

“This whole process is pretty juvenile, I think. I cared about this kind of stuff when I was 12. How a person can be one of these reporters is beyond me. It’s like constantly screaming ‘OH MY GOSH THAT’S SO AMAZING’ to every pebble you find in your back yard.”

– DenethorM

8:23 – Jack Black was pretty awesome though.

8:30 – Finally. Jazzy Lawrence of Arabia theme music. Okay. HUGE JACK MAN shows up. Most dashing guy. God damn him.

Ouch. A hit at New Zealand. And now an OPENING NUMBER.

“IN HOLLYWOOD YOU DON’T NEED MONEY.”

What the heck is he straddling. Oh. It’s the Batpod from Dark Knight. HRM.

8:38 – Heh. At least Huge is taking shots at The Reader. “Want to see Iron Man a second time.” Hear, hear. This is actually kind of clever. Where does he KEEP this energy?!

What the heck does Philip Seymour Hoffman have on his head?

8:42 – Five past Best Actress winners are standing around. Tilda’s probablyyyy my favorite of the bunch. Presenting the nominees. Whoa, Eva Marie-Saint. She kissed Cary Grant in North by Northwest… and Marlon Brandon in On the Waterfront. Still looks pretty good. So does Whoopie Goldberg… what… what is going on?!

8:47 – Is Tilda wearing a bag? Marisa Tomei is stunning. UNF. OH the Supporting Actress Oscar winner is Penelope Cruz for Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Sorry, uh, everyone else.

“Hopefully the whole night is people winning for junk no one saw.”
– John Mora

8:57 – Steve Martin! Tina Fey! A big script describing their actions! Reminds me of the RPG battle from Kirby Super Star. This is pretty funny. Steve Martin, why couldn’t you be this funny in Pink Panther 2? A dig at Scientology. Heh. Heh! Nominees for Best Original Screenplay. This is kind of cool. Overlaying the script with the scene. Crowd goes wild for In Bruges. Milk, Wall-E …. I’m welling up just watching this Wall-E bit, listening to its writing. Oh. Nevermind.

The winner is Milk. Speech about gay rights.

8:59 – Adapted Screenplay Nominees. Benjamin Button, Doubt, Frost/Nixon, The Reader and Slumdog Millionaire… let’s see how this goes. I think I liked the Nixon bit the best. Nevermind! Slumdog wins.

9:03 – Jennifer Aniston mentions Iron Giant! Holy crap, someone in that theater remembers that movie. Jack Black professes his love for Pixar. A clip with Wall-E tossing out an Oscar. Amen. A review of the animated movies of the year. Wow, pretty embarrassing. Space Chimps? Madagascar? Desperaux? CLONE WARS? What the hell is this music anyway?

Oscar goes to Wall-E. Jack Black rejoices! C’mon. Not much competition.

9:08 – Best Animated Short Feature. Awkward Black/Aniston moment. “No one saw our movies this year!” Well, yeah. Ha ha. Sorry! Kunio Kato wins for La Maison de Petites Cubes… hope I got that right. His “sankyuu” speech sets Asian stereotypes back a few years. Hey, at least 2D animation won!

9:15 – Daniel Craig… looking like James Bond. Sarah Jessica Parker, bursting out of her gown. What is this? Oh. Set Design? Craig describes Gotham as “Chicago seen through a glass darkly.” Cool~ OH, it’s Art Direction.

Benjamin Button got it. David Fincher is a wonderful human being. Reeeaallllyyyy…

9:20 – Costume Design. They’re zooming right through these things. The Duchess wins. Alright! The older the better.

9:23 – Daniel Craig is a statue. Best Makeup. Okay, let’s see here, some cool stuff. Dark Knight, Hellboy 2 … can’t lose with either, really. OH NEVERMIND. Benjamin Button wins. Making people old is still impressive I guess. But monsters? A revisionist Joker? Nahhh.

9:25 – Is this the vampire guy? Jeez, look at that stare. Even… even I’m falling under his spell! {:[

What is this? ROMANCE? In 2008? They need to fill time I guess.

Nice of them to include Milk.

9:31 – Natalie Portman and Beeen Stillllerrrrrr. YES. He’s doing Joaquin Phoenix. Perfectly. He “wants to retire from being the funny guy.” “You look like you work in a hasidic meth lab.” This is the best of the show so far. I’m laughin’. Nominees for Cinematography… Dark Knight, The Reader, other stuff…

Slumdog Millionaire wins.

9:38 – Jessica Biel, looking shiny. Hi-tech thingamajigs… OH. That was quick. A rundown of the Tech Award Show urrgggghhh everyone’s going up to go to the bathroom, I might as well, too…

9:45 – WHOOPS. I step away for a second and there’s a comedy short with Jame Franco and Seth Rogen from my favoooooorite movie of the year, Pineapple Express. Hm. Kinda weak! I like the jabs at The Reader and the Milk clip but… eh.

Toyland wins Best Short Film.

9:52 – Huge Jack Man back. Where’s he been? Oh. Right. Plugged into whatever Enertron he keeps backstage. Another musical number. Did Mamma Mia really gross more in Europe than Titanic? Are musicals really on the rise again? Makes sense… what with this Greater Depression upon us and all. WAIT. IT’S BEYONCE.

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!!!

9:56 – Hey, where’s the South Park movie in this compilation? Oh, well, at least we got High School Musical! OH GOD.

MAMMA MIA. I can’t even hide from this… We can thank Baz Luhrman for this.

10:03 – Neato, some Supporting Actor alums out on the stage. Chris Walken… you used to be THE MAN. Cuba congratulating Robert Downey for A DUDE WHO PLAYS A DUDE DISGUISED AS ANOTHER DUDE. Downey’s a class act. Wait… they got the black guy to congratulate the white guy playing a black guy… now they got Walken, a nut, congratulating a nut. Fitting!

Now Kevin Kline congratulates Heath Ledger. Describes his Joker perfectly…

The winner is Heath Ledger. Took no time at all to say it. Everyone knew. The family accepts it. This is probably Dark Knight‘s one win for the night, at least it’s its most deserved.

A thing about Documentaries now… Werner, you nut.

10:13 – Bill Maher, you smug prick. Plugging his shit.

Ahahaha. What. As an atheist I’m embarrassed again.
– Loki2130

The Oscar for Best Documentary goes to Man On Wire. Whoa! Guy is blasting through his speech. OH. There’s Philippe Petits there. A coin trick! VERY cool!

The winner for Best Documentary Short Subject is Smile Pinki.

10:22 – Francois Traffuat!? A quote from Huge. Neato.

ACTION MOVIES of 2008. Tons of cars, cars, cars, cars explosions, some sword fights. Speed Racer! Yes! The one clip from Rambo they could show.

Oh, here’s Will Smith. Verbose as usual. Outstanding Visual Effects… Benjamin Button, Dark Knight, Iron Man… oh.

Benjamin Button. Again.

I guess special effects only count in Serious Movies(tm).
– John Mora

Outstanding sound editing! Wanted got nominated? Wow. Well, hey, look Dark Knight‘s second Oscar. Guess that Sonar technology wasn’t all for naught…

Slumdog Millionaire
wins for Sound Mixing.

Film editing… Dark Knight, Frost/Nixon, Milk, Slumdog, Benjamin Button

Slumdog. Kind of obvious. You could even tell in the show’s writing who was favored… would a movie with “bat-like speed” really get an award?

10:42 – Eddie Murphy presenting a big fat award for Jerry Lewis. Interesting Murphy, star of MEET DAVE, is doing this… oh right, Nutty Professor. A montage of Lewis clips… while Coldplay…. plays? Erk. Well okay.

10:46 – Whoa. Nice, short speech. It’s been a whole night of nice, short speeches. I don’t think I’ve wanted to punch anyone yet!

10:50 – LOOK! Huge is back. Introducing Michael Giacchino! Awesome, some music… huh, nothing really stands out. Except Wall-E! And Slumdog! Guess Slumdog wins then…

Yup. Surprise!

10:57 – Songs. Not a big fan of the Bollywood/Slumdog sound here… They really need to eliminate this category. There’s John Legend cracking notes all over Peter Gabriel’s Wall-E song. Jeeeeez, where’d they pull him from? He is not into it at all. Now they’re combining them… bad move. Sounds awful. OH, it’s over and Legend jets out of there.

Oscar goes to Slumdog‘s ending song. What an exciting awards night! Wonder how long the Indian fad will last.

11:06 – LIAM NEESON. YEAHHHH. Giving the Best Foreign Film award to Departures, from Japan. Interesting, The Class was the favorite, I think. I didn’t get a chance to see ANY foreign stuff this past year… I gotta make up for it.

11:12 – Michael Crichton, Bernie Mac, Cyd Charisse, Pat Hingle, Harold Pinter, Kon Ichikawa, Roy Scheider, Robert Mulligan, Richard Widmark, Isaac Hayes, Ricardo Montalban, Stan Winston, James Whitmore, Charlton Heston, Anthony Minghella, Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman… so many more. This past year was ridiculous. Like 3 a week. I usually hate this segment but… I dunno.

11:18 – Huge back again. Is he the host or isn’t here? …Reese Witherspoon delivering dumb director analogies. Danny Boyle, Ron Howard, David Fincher, The Reader guy, Gus Van Sant, Christophe Nol– oh, wait. Danny Boyle gets it.

I can get ready for bed now!

11:25 – Oh, not yet. Best Actress alums are out now. This whole thing reminds me of… like… high school or something. The seniors giving the underclassmen their blessings or whatever. Anyway. Anne Hathway, Kate Winslet…. whoa, Streep has 15 nominations to her name? Cripes. Dr. Chase Meridian, still a babe…

Kate wins. Sigh. Guess they figure Anne is too young?

I like how they keep the tradition of passing you over for the ones you deserve and rewarding you for the trifling bullshit later.
– John Mora

11:35 – Kate Winslet probably had the longest speech of the night… she was cute though. Awesome, love this Best Actor montage. Magnificent Seven theme! …For only five guys. Eh, the feeling’s there, I guess. Michael Douglas! Holy crap, haven’t seen him in eons. Frank Langella… Oh god, De Niro being Funny De Niro… Sean Penn “loses himself.” Perhaps a little too much! Milk let him be smiley and nice for a change… Brad Pitt… Mickey Rourke.

Sean Penn. An upset! Wow. It was close. I would’ve given it to Rourke though, if only because I feel so bad for the poor guy… but he also carried The Wrestler on his big ugly shoulders by himself most of the time. Sean Penn… Milk’s probably my favorite role of his but Penn’s been mugging for the award since forever. Hrm.

He thanks Mickey and calls him his brother. Rourke doesn’t look too broken up after all.
Best part? Calling the president an “elegant man president.” I hope to see that on T-shirts soon.

Oh, hey the theme music from Lost Word: Jurassic Park 2. Cool! Spielberg, King of the Movies trots out. Clips from Frost/Nixon…

11:51 – I may not care for most (or any) of these nominees but this montage, drawing historical links with past best picture nominees through quotes and scenes… probably the smartest thing the Oscars’ done in a while.

And the winner is Slumdog MillunMillionaire.

12:00 AM – Well. That preview of 2009 was nice. They never did that before, far as I know. Didn’t really see anything new to look forward to…

As far as Oscar shows go, that was probably the least painful in… well, ever. Huge did two dopey musical numbers, otherwise it was montage clips and acceptance speeches. Pretty painless. It was also the least exciting. The nominees were anything but exciting but then that’s always been the case, hasn’t it? Er, except 2007. Couldn’t really go wrong that year.

Till next year. Expect Grump Factory’s best of 2008… eventually. \:3

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