Archive for April, 2009

Crank 2: Electric Boogaloo

April 30, 2009

Here at the Grump Factory, we like to think ourselves above certain things. Like incredibly retarded movies. I mean, look at Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. It’s not worth anything more than a derisive laugh. But that’s mostly because it’s boring on top of being stupid. I mean, what a kcombo. So is it possible to make an EXCITING retarded movie? Crank and Crank 2 seemed to think so. Originally I didn’t have much interest in the Crank franchise. I figured it was stupid-bad. Then I heard Bai Ling was going to be in the sequel, improvising her dialogue.  And I will pay almost any amount of money to see Bai Ling, starfucker extraordinaire, make an ass out of herself in the hopes of some temporary, glimmering bit of fame. So I plunked down some money to see this stupid movie.


Second Year Grumpiversary – Resident Evil

April 23, 2009

JohnnyMora: okay then
JohnnyMora: on the count of 3..
JohnnyMora: 1
JohnnyMora: 2
JohnnyMora: 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JohnnyMora: Screen Gems… a presumptuous name!
sirtmagus: Wow, this flick’s off to a great part.
JohnnyMora: OH GOSH
JohnnyMora: and chinese gibberish
sirtmagus: Text AND voiceover! They can’t trust their viewer, can they
JohnnyMora: my dad can’t read shit
JohnnyMora: We started to watch an Oshii film and it was so full of text he had me turn it off.
sirtmagus: That was the most rushed introductory sequence
sirtmagus: LOOK, A TITLE
sirtmagus: OK
sirtmagus: NOW THIS
JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: At least they know we don’t really give a shit about the background of this story.
JohnnyMora: or the foreground
sirtmagus: yeah but then they do this
sirtmagus: show us in exquisite detail what happens to cause the outbreak, killing the mystery of the entire thing.
JohnnyMora: HEY
JohnnyMora: well
JohnnyMora: it doesn’t kill the WHOLE mystery
JohnnyMora: as we learn later on!
sirtmagus: what mystery is left?!
JohnnyMora: Who did it?!?!?
JohnnyMora: Why?!!??!?
sirtmagus: :VVVVV


Dragonball Evolution – Under 9000

April 9, 2009

There’s a famous little piece of Doom fan fiction, in which protagonist John Stalvern waits, demons are in the base and he plasmas them with “his palsma rifle”. It’s pretty funny. Here’s my favorite version, complete with soundtrack and voice-overs. I bring it up because Dragonball Evolution ends the exact same way.

Our hero Goku, about to face off against the evil green-skinned alien Piccolo, yells about how he is going to defeat him as well as the Oozaru, an apocalyptic creature that will appear during the solar eclipse that’s about to happen. Their exchange follows:


Piccolo: “No, Goku. You ARE the Oozaru.”

And then Goku was the Oozaru.



Grump Alert: Alchemists and Evangelions

April 6, 2009

That is the opening of the new Fullmetal Alchemist anime series, due to premiere for North American audiences on Funimation’s streaming website this Thursday, April 9th at noon EST. English-subtitled episodes should debut mere days after their Japanese airdates, which is thrilling. About time someone besides pie-faced fansubbers does this. (Translator’s Note: No one cares about translator notes! ^__^;;)

I really liked the original anime (about two brothers who join the military to find the Philosopher’s Stone) up until the halfway point when all the interesting characters died, a stupid villain was introduced and nothing of any real interest happened at all. The movie was kind of a waste too. My brother details our disgust over at his blog. An excerpt:

I was getting sick of all these dreary anime series that were stuck up their ass with their own philosophies. Sometimes that stuff’s great, but, God damn, Japan, learn a new tune. Neon Genesis Evangelion made that kind of style seem novel, but it’s pigeonholed and polarized the whole Japanese animation industry for the last ten years. Thanks to that and the various now-over-played Pokemon cartoons, every series’ protagonist is either an angsty teenager finding out why he exists or a pie-faced child going on a tedious journey.

Fullmetal Alchemist was just what I needed. An adventure series that knew when to be fun and when to be serious without being irrelevant or preachy – a show that delivered the goods and solid, heartfelt messages about brotherhood, sacrifice and retribution.

It was the only show for the last few years, besides Stand Alone Complex, that me and my brothers had deemed actually worthy of purchase. We bought every volume as it came out, and followed the story to the end.

The stupid end.

Yeah, we really like to describe things as pie-faced.

So hopefully this new version, which apparently adheres closer to the original manga, will rectify the first series’ mistakes though it stings to have a whole new version a mere summer after finishing the first one.

At least with Evangelion we’ve had THIRTEEN YEARS to prepare for its remake/reboot. Jeez, can’t anyone get it right the first time?

That’s the new trailer for Rebuild of Evangelion 2.0, the second of four remake movies. I’m not even sure what it is I’m looking at in some of those shots, but as you can see it looks stunning. This should be coming out in June. Unfortunately this looks like something we will have to count on fansubbers for as we’re still waiting to hear something about a U.S. release of Evangelion 1.0. Which came out… two years ago? It’s licensed by Funimation – the same guys streaming Fullmetal – but they seem to be sitting on it because they’re the only company left alive in the ailing industry.