Second Year Grumpiversary – Resident Evil

by

sirtmagus: http://www.56.com/u30/v_MjcyNTIyMTE.html
JohnnyMora: okay then
JohnnyMora: on the count of 3..
JohnnyMora: 1
JohnnyMora: 2
JohnnyMora: 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JohnnyMora: Screen Gems… a presumptuous name!
sirtmagus: Wow, this flick’s off to a great part.
JohnnyMora: OH GOSH
JohnnyMora: AN UMBRELLA
JohnnyMora: and chinese gibberish
sirtmagus: Text AND voiceover! They can’t trust their viewer, can they
JohnnyMora: my dad can’t read shit
JohnnyMora: We started to watch an Oshii film and it was so full of text he had me turn it off.
sirtmagus: That was the most rushed introductory sequence
sirtmagus: HERE’S SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
sirtmagus: LOOK, A TITLE
sirtmagus: OK
sirtmagus: NOW THIS
JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: At least they know we don’t really give a shit about the background of this story.
JohnnyMora: or the foreground
sirtmagus: yeah but then they do this
sirtmagus: show us in exquisite detail what happens to cause the outbreak, killing the mystery of the entire thing.
JohnnyMora: HEY
JohnnyMora: DON’T THROW AWAY THAT BONE
JohnnyMora: well
JohnnyMora: it doesn’t kill the WHOLE mystery
JohnnyMora: as we learn later on!
sirtmagus: what mystery is left?!
JohnnyMora: Who did it?!?!?
JohnnyMora: Why?!!??!?
sirtmagus: :VVVVV


sirtmagus: Dobermans, the goombas of Resident Evil apparently.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: YYYYYUP
JohnnyMora: god forbid zombie toy dogs
sirtmagus: BIOHAZARD.
sirtmagus: Beautiful 20-something scientists.
JohnnyMora: Umbrella affords only the best
JohnnyMora: I mean, you expect a production of this caliber to remember to cast people that look unattractive?
sirtmagus: If they really wanted to be faithful the scientists would all be 10 year old college grads.
JohnnyMora: Would you even WANT that?
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: True.
sirtmagus: I don’t agree with these camera P.O.V. shots.
JohnnyMora: Capcom has no clue how long it takes people to do things.
JohnnyMora: Me neither.
sirtmagus: I’m just gonna turn my back to them.
sirtmagus: Tell me when they’re gone.
JohnnyMora: They never go away, Magus!!!
sirtmagus: WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE
JohnnyMora: Sounds like they’re having fun!
JohnnyMora: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” [drops to the bottom]
sirtmagus: What is this funhouse bullshit.
sirtmagus: Why WASTE your budget on these scenes?!
JohnnyMora: Well, why not?
JohnnyMora: How would YOU being this movie, Magus?!
sirtmagus: EXT. Arklay Mountains
sirtmagus: A couple are swimming in the river. A campsite nearby.
sirtmagus: The flirty girl leaves the water to get a towel, teasing her lover.
sirtmagus: The guy’s like HAY WHERE D’YA GO? :V
JohnnyMora: EYES
JohnnyMora: [LOST]
sirtmagus: He leaves the water to find her mangled corpse, rotting dogs picking at her body.
sirtmagus: TITLE: Gremlins 2.
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: Point is, anything’s better than that.
JohnnyMora: If she was having a shower, how come Milla’s hair is so perfectly coiffed.
sirtmagus: Wig.
JohnnyMora: I meant in-story!
sirtmagus: Milla Wigovich.
sirtmagus: Hey remember her from the video games?
JohnnyMora: Yes.
sirtmagus:
JohnnyMora: Rebecca Chambers, right? :V
sirtmagus: Her trunk ain’t nearly big enough.
JohnnyMora: Agreed.
JohnnyMora: I’ve got more curves than Milla.
sirtmagus: A pipe does too.
JohnnyMora: OH DEAR
sirtmagus: I will say: trying to see if handwriting matches your own is a nice way to reveal her MIND DON’T WORK
JohnnyMora: THAT’S WHERE I PUT ALL MY BLINKING LIGHTS
JohnnyMora: wow
sirtmagus: Hey, a mansion! Maybe this is like the first game after all!
JohnnyMora: what an unflattering profile shot
JohnnyMora: if you’re FLAT, don’t wear dresses like that and get filmed in profile
sirtmagus: Soundtrack by Silent Hill.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: hair dryers
sirtmagus: Is that a mansion or a lighthouse? :\
JohnnyMora: Mansion!
JohnnyMora: Clearly!
JohnnyMora: Why is she wearing that?!
sirtmagus: It was all there is to wear!
JohnnyMora: Birds hate the sound of Milla’s voice.
sirtmagus: ZOMBIE LEAVES
JohnnyMora: Almost as much as I do.
JohnnyMora: How can you fight against zombie leaves?!
sirtmagus: with a zombie leaf blower
sirtmagus: oh my god, these guys crashing in the windows
sirtmagus: I remember seeing this in the theater
sirtmagus: that stupid fucking song playing.
sirtmagus: my ears bleeding.
JohnnyMora: This is a pretty dumb song.
JohnnyMora: Not quite as ear-splitting as Saw, though.
sirtmagus: It was the loudest movie I’ve seen/heard.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Mine was The Dark Knight.
JohnnyMora: That scene where he tests the bullet?
sirtmagus: oh shit, yeah
JohnnyMora: Every time he shot one of those, I winced.
JohnnyMora: Involuntarily
sirtmagus: but that was kinda cool.
JohnnyMora: A SERIOUS BLACK MAN
sirtmagus: this is just anoying.
sirtmagus: GAH
sirtmagus: it keeps going.
sirtmagus: until the doors close!
sirtmagus: that’s artistic.
JohnnyMora: Paul W.S. Anderson is nothing if not artistic.
sirtmagus: I agree with the first part.
JohnnyMora: Zing!
sirtmagus: \:3
sirtmagus: Read that with Morgan Freeman’s voice in mind too.
JohnnyMora: The voice of GOD?
sirtmagus: y’know. like in Se7en.
sirtmagus: SAYYYYVEN
sirtmagus: oh hey, michelle rodriguez.
JohnnyMora: Why is Michelle’s hair pre-greased?
JohnnyMora: Why can’t a Hispanic character in a movie or TV show have luscious hair?
JohnnyMora: They’re always dunked in grease.
sirtmagus: Even Salma Hayek?
JohnnyMora: SHIT YEAH
sirtmagus: I… I had no idea!
JohnnyMora: But I guess having a dyke SWAT member or whatever with luscious hair would be pushing credulity.
sirtmagus: Michelle, looking pissed off or drunk as usual.
JohnnyMora: OR?
sirtmagus: …!!!
sirtmagus: Of course.
sirtmagus: Our cast of characters just kinda fall out of nowhere, huh.
JohnnyMora: Yup.
JohnnyMora: It’s quite time efficient.
sirtmagus: Through windows, out of closets on trains
JohnnyMora: I wish more movies did that.
sirtmagus: Y’know what the best thing about writing amnesiac characters is?
JohnnyMora: They have no personalities
sirtmagus: bingo.
JohnnyMora: :3
JohnnyMora: “HE’S FINE. MEMORY LOSS.”
JohnnyMora: What a rose-tinted way of putting it.
sirtmagus: “So uh, he’s not fine then.” LV
sirtmagus: OH CAMERA P.O.V. I MISSED YOU
JohnnyMora: Otherwise how would you know it was an A.I.?!
sirtmagus: well
sirtmagus: considering it’s a terrible idea to begin with
JohnnyMora: I could think of worse.
sirtmagus: maybe not a terrible idea
sirtmagus: but terribly executed!
JohnnyMora: Could be that dog. |:3
sirtmagus: i’d rather it be that dog.
sirtmagus: Silent Hill 2 style.
JohnnyMora: !!!
JohnnyMora: That’s the dog I meant!
JohnnyMora: THAT SAME DOG.
JohnnyMora: Trollin’ people.
sirtmagus: OMAE NO KOTO WA
sirtmagus: hey look
sirtmagus: more CGI explanations
JohnnyMora: It’s what Paul W.S. Anderson knows best.
sirtmagus: Slap an Umbrella logo on it, call it a Resident Evil movie.
JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: It feels more like a video game movie with a HUD!
JohnnyMora: These always boil down to people talking in empty rooms.
JohnnyMora: Every shitty low-budget movie.
sirtmagus: I wonder if the Shadow of the Colossus movie will have a crack team of multiethnic SWAT members to parachute in to help Wander.
JohnnyMora: Dude, that is exactly it.
JohnnyMora: B-grade science fiction screenwriters would be up shit creek without a paddle if it wasn’t for SWAT teams and space marines.
JohnnyMora: And Aliens.
sirtmagus: Aliens – the Rosetta Stone of action/sci-fi.
sirtmagus: To be fair, the Resident Evil 2 game IS Aliens.
sirtmagus: Just awesome.
sirtmagus: The fake view w/ city sound effects is a neat idea.
JohnnyMora: Uggghhhh, urine-colored rooms
JohnnyMora: I agree.
JohnnyMora: I always think it’s neat when they fake you out with that.
sirtmagus: Like, it makes sense.
sirtmagus: Probably the one thing that does!
JohnnyMora: I bet I can find one other thing before this movie ends!
sirtmagus: Milla, don’t be shyyyy
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: “Ya… ya wanna dance with me?”
JohnnyMora: I wish they’d shown some electricity shocking between the two of them when they touched, just for extra effect. :p
JohnnyMora: This guy has the worst face.
sirtmagus: I like Eric Mabius’ constant “!!!!” face.
JohnnyMora: You even know his name?!?!?!
sirtmagus: hey. I know things.
JohnnyMora: More HUD.
JohnnyMora: Gosh, things sure are going smoothly! :V
sirtmagus: Holy crap, I thought I was watching Doom for a minute.
JohnnyMora: There’s very little distinguishing them.
JohnnyMora: SWAT team moving around empty rooms avoiding monsters.
JohnnyMora: Only I think Doom had a better cast. :s
sirtmagus: Doom fares a little poorer because nothing really happens at all until the last 15 or so minutes.
JohnnyMora: Well, potentially a better cast.
JohnnyMora: Keep your vag tight, Milla.
sirtmagus: Like a vice.
JohnnyMora: Why are they bringing these two bozos along if they have AMNESIA.
sirtmagus: Swirling camera~
JohnnyMora: We have dollies!
JohnnyMora: Yayyyy, this scene. :3
JohnnyMora: So good even the games stole from it!
sirtmagus: Oh man
sirtmagus: Leon was ALMOST a badass.
JohnnyMora: Best scene in the movie?!
sirtmagus: I loved screwing up just to watch him suffer~
sirtmagus: Oh, of course.
sirtmagus: It’s the only one anyone bothers to remember.
JohnnyMora: I can just imagine the screenwriters coming up with this in the first 20 minutes of brainstorming the script
sirtmagus: The third movie, Extinction, does it again too. A bunch of times. :\
JohnnyMora: and then twiddling their thumbs the rest of the time trying to flesh it out into a movie. {:3
sirtmagus: The thing is, it’s basically what happens all the time in the movie Cube.
JohnnyMora: Well
JohnnyMora: I guess you’re the umpteenth person to recommend it!
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: Milla, don’t pretend like you know what he’s talking about.
sirtmagus: WHAT’S THAT? *squint*
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: Such a cool set piece~
sirtmagus: It also does the nice service of…
sirtmagus: killing the whole cast. :V
JohnnyMora: I don’t miss ’em!
sirtmagus: OH THAT LASER JUST CHEATED
JohnnyMora: Pisses me off, too!
sirtmagus: mmm beef cubes.
JohnnyMora: Put a Christmas ham in there.
sirtmagus: Oh hey
sirtmagus: MY favorite part
JohnnyMora: :3
JohnnyMora: Milla did that for the lulz.
sirtmagus: I asked this movie for a crappy CG British girl
sirtmagus: and it gave me one!
JohnnyMora: Should’ve used your wish better!
sirtmagus: I panicked! :[
JohnnyMora: That’s your panic instinct?!
sirtmagus: “Gimme a hand with setting up this lousy special effect.”
sirtmagus: ugh ugh ugh ugh
JohnnyMora: I’m so happy this ended up being a red herring for the Big Bad.
sirtmagus: look at the nothing, Milla, look at the nothing.
JohnnyMora: Why would the Red Queen say something so mean? ;__;
JohnnyMora: So uh
JohnnyMora: why did they want to turn her off?
sirtmagus: PAINTIN’ THE ROSES RED
sirtmagus: PAINTIN’ THE ROSES RED~
sirtmagus: i dunno. did they turn her off? what was the point of that?
JohnnyMora: To make the monsters appear?
JohnnyMora: That seems like a poor plan!
JohnnyMora: Here’s my theory:
sirtmagus: Michelle loves the sound of metal on metal.
JohnnyMora: Michelle Rodriguez’ character was originally written as a man.
JohnnyMora: But then they cast her in the part.
JohnnyMora: And they didn’t have to change anything.
sirtmagus: I think’s exactly it.
JohnnyMora: MADRE DE DIOS
JohnnyMora: Why does no one in these movies recognize what a zombie looks like.
sirtmagus: OH SNAP
sirtmagus: Bitch is not standing anymore.
JohnnyMora: That’s
JohnnyMora: one for the history books.
sirtmagus: Now, Michelle
sirtmagus: be angry in this scene. :V
JohnnyMora: |:3
sirtmagus: Rest of the team?
JohnnyMora: Blood also coagulates if it clots, actually.
JohnnyMora: NIMROD
sirtmagus: He’s just Eric Mabius not DR. Eric Mabius.
JohnnyMora: Well why couldn’t we have gotten HIM instead.
sirtmagus: YOU CAN’T REASON WITH ZOMBIES, NERD
JohnnyMora: HERE COMES LOUD MUSIC
sirtmagus: YEAH YEAH YEAH
sirtmagus: Y’know how
sirtmagus: Resident Evil
sirtmagus: is known for its obnoxious, loud music? :V
JohnnyMora: That’s more Left 4 Dead’s expertise~
sirtmagus: At least that’s orchestral and well done~
sirtmagus: This is CHORD CHORD CHORD. CHORD CHORD CHORD.
JohnnyMora: THE RING
sirtmagus: OTHER CHORD OTHER CHORD OTHER CHORD.
JohnnyMora: Milla’s seen it!
sirtmagus: uh-oh
sirtmagus: So, things are certainly happening now, eh?
JohnnyMora: Sort of
JohnnyMora: in a mish-mash uninteresting way
sirtmagus: He doesn’t know the code! That’s kind of like the game.
JohnnyMora: At least they’re better filmed than the action scenes in Quantum of Solace!!
sirtmagus: Well you could throw a camera inbetween two guys fighting and let it go where it lands
sirtmagus: and it’d still be better than that.
JohnnyMora: Oh noooooooooooooooooo~
sirtmagus: he was my favoriiiiiite
JohnnyMora: They were so close to each other!
JohnnyMora: As established by all the dense character development!
JohnnyMora: What might this beeeeee
sirtmagus: um. more dimly-lit cinderblocks?
sirtmagus: LABCOATS
sirtmagus: BADGERS
JohnnyMora: Now, Michelle
JohnnyMora: look angry.
JohnnyMora: Why is she off on her own?
JohnnyMora: Oh look, a dog they painted red.
sirtmagus: PAINTIN’ THE DOGS RED~
sirtmagus: RARRR I LOVED YOU IN CHAPLIN
JohnnyMora: ?!?!?
sirtmagus: she was like 11 years old in Chaplin
sirtmagus: D’OH
sirtmagus: MORE DOGS
JohnnyMora: I did not know that!
JohnnyMora: Oh DEAR.
JohnnyMora: part 2 in 1…
JohnnyMora: 2
JohnnyMora: 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JohnnyMora: YEAH, KICK THE SHIT OUTTA THAT DOG
JohnnyMora: I enjoy that moment way too much.
sirtmagus: let’s follow this shmo around for a while.
JohnnyMora: But what an unnecessary drum solo.
sirtmagus: can’t get anymore unnecessary than a drum solo
JohnnyMora: Why did everyone just run off and do whatever?!
sirtmagus: they’re trying to find something interesting too!
JohnnyMora: “Maybe there’s a word search or something in here!!”
sirtmagus: Oh wow
sirtmagus: Milla’s memories came out of that girl’s smashed skull.
JohnnyMora: Maybe if she kills more people she’ll remember more.
sirtmagus: Eric, speak up!
JohnnyMora: I would love it if she said that.
JohnnyMora: after his big monologue
sirtmagus: Milla doesn’t seem that interested either!
JohnnyMora: But that’s her normal face.
JohnnyMora: VIRAL GENETICS… OKAY!!!
sirtmagus: viral butts
JohnnyMora: Sure hope this conversation doesn’t become ironic later on!!
sirtmagus: DERP FART DERP
JohnnyMora: “This evil sure seems to have taken up residence!”
JohnnyMora: A timed escape!? This sure SEEMS like Resident Evil!
sirtmagus: HMMM
JohnnyMora: If they need to turn her on to escape, why ever turn her off?!
sirtmagus: maybe they didn’t expect zombies.
JohnnyMora: Sounds like they should have!!
JohnnyMora: Hair and fingernails do not grow after death, IDIOTS.
sirtmagus: Why do movies keep lying to me?! ;__;
JohnnyMora: Why don’t these maroons know how to handle zombies.
sirtmagus: “Steps.”
JohnnyMora: You’re ahead of me ;3
sirtmagus: The Red Queen’s gotta explain how zombies work to these dopes?
JohnnyMora: Exactly.
JohnnyMora: WHY
JohnnyMora: Zombies are common enough!
JohnnyMora: It’s like repeating that vampires hate sunlight.
sirtmagus: Until sunlight makes them sparkle!
JohnnyMora: Unless you’ve got some super-special take on the monster, why bother restating the rules?
sirtmagus: I’m just glad they didn’t restate the rules with text scrolling on the screen.
JohnnyMora: Like Headline News?
sirtmagus: Resident News.
JohnnyMora: Oh noooooooooooooooooooo
JohnnyMora: He was my faaaaavoriiiiiiiite
JohnnyMora: Why do people hesitate to blow away zombie versions of the people they liked?!
JohnnyMora: Shit wouldn’t faze me.
sirtmagus: You still didn’t see Shaun of the Dead, did you
JohnnyMora: I saw like the last half an hour.
sirtmagus: >:\
JohnnyMora: Does no one remember that one bite is enough to turn you?!
JohnnyMora: Throw Michelle to the dogs!
sirtmagus: zombei raaaaave
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: I was about to say this music was entirely unnecessary.
JohnnyMora: And generic.
JohnnyMora: Looks like a typical weekend in Zion~
JohnnyMora: This part of the movie sure is an easy way to get rid of dead weight cast members.
sirtmagus: these are the least zombie-like zombies ever.
JohnnyMora: EVER?
JohnnyMora: Even 28 Days Later?
JohnnyMora: And Resident Evil 4? x3
sirtmagus: even 28 Days Later and Resident Evil 4
sirtmagus: there’s nothing special about these zombies!
JohnnyMora: That doesn’t make them the least zombie-like!!
sirtmagus: why would he choose the most painful way out
JohnnyMora: I know, right
JohnnyMora: Maybe because he wanted to put on a tantrum for Milla.
sirtmagus: Oh criminey
sirtmagus: Michelle’s role WAS for a dude.
JohnnyMora: See?!!?
JohnnyMora: That’s what makes me think that.
JohnnyMora: Oh no~
JohnnyMora: She’s gone to Zanarkand!
JohnnyMora: Why do they have double helix syringes? >:\
sirtmagus: “There’s a cure.” “What’re you talking about?” “There’s a cure.” “Huh?” “There’s a cure!” “What?”
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: That seems pretty cut and dry to me!!
JohnnyMora: Now is time for more talking in empty rooms
JohnnyMora: With nauseating music.
sirtmagus: ugh.
sirtmagus: Clever use of a directional mic, man.
sirtmagus: HEY, THAT HANDWRITING IS CLEARLY DIFFERENT
JohnnyMora: HEYYYY >:c
JohnnyMora: See, now we know!
sirtmagus: then why don’t I feel anything? :V
JohnnyMora: Unico hasn’t melted your heart~
sirtmagus: My hate is all I have.
JohnnyMora: So uh
JohnnyMora: Did everyone have to come in and out of their mansion to go to work?
JohnnyMora: UGH, that man’s FACE.
JohnnyMora: Turns any scene into a FARCE.
sirtmagus: Which man?!
sirtmagus: Oof.
sirtmagus: These kinds of break-ups are always the toughest.
JohnnyMora: The ones where you get amnesia and realize you were on opposite sides of corporate espionage?
sirtmagus: Plus, guns and zombie bites.
sirtmagus: And british moppets chattering in your ear
JohnnyMora: Could be worse.
JohnnyMora: Could have a cockney accent.
sirtmagus: OY OY OY
JohnnyMora: Man, now’s not the time for smack!
sirtmagus: Yay, a licker~
JohnnyMora: Now that’s like the game!
sirtmagus: I could use some liquor |:c
sirtmagus: a stronga
sirtmagus: fasta
sirtmagus: hunta.
JohnnyMora: FRESH DNA
JohnnyMora: That’s not how DNA works!!!
sirtmagus: I always get my fresh DNA at the grocery.
JohnnyMora: Gotta make sure it doesn’t have bruises
sirtmagus: Man
JohnnyMora: If I could save my life by killing Michelle Rodriguez, there wouldn’t be a single doubt in my mind.
sirtmagus: It’d be a thrill.
JohnnyMora: I’d feel HONORED.
sirtmagus: So breaking that monitor did the trick
JohnnyMora: yes
JohnnyMora: that one monitor
JohnnyMora: Why are they acting all shocked about gore at THIS stage in the game?
sirtmagus: This guy… has to get… to Mamma Mia on time…
JohnnyMora: Don’t we all |:3
JohnnyMora: HERE WE GO AGAIN
JohnnyMora: …Michelle, I wouldn’t say you were walking around with a soul NOW.
sirtmagus: Is her name… Rain?
JohnnyMora: |:c
JohnnyMora: what a dumb name.
sirtmagus: Only Taejo Togokhan may have that name.
JohnnyMora: She wasn’t even that likable, Milla!
JohnnyMora: Oh noooooo
sirtmagus: WHOA, this train needs better licker protection.
JohnnyMora: Honestly
JohnnyMora: Why doesn’t one bullet in the brain do the trick?!
sirtmagus: cuz it’s so…. big!
sirtmagus: it JUST had fresh DNA!
sirtmagus: oof.
sirtmagus: this reminds me. i bit my tongue yesterday.
sirtmagus: shit stings.
JohnnyMora: not as much as this!!!
sirtmagus: ever happen to you
sirtmagus: ?
sirtmagus: I always feel so stupid.
JohnnyMora: Having my tongue staked to a moving train? No.
JohnnyMora: Oh c’mon movie, don’t ask us to care for Michelle Rodriguez.
JohnnyMora: I do kinda like this final rush to freedom :3
sirtmagus: lol
sirtmagus: FIRE
JohnnyMora: They just retraced their steps!
JohnnyMora: Just SLAPPIN’ EVERYONE
sirtmagus: oh golly
JohnnyMora: That must be the worst way to wake up.
JohnnyMora: With things in your head.
sirtmagus: At least there’s no rave music for once.
JohnnyMora: And a paper dress.
JohnnyMora: She must be used to it by now.
sirtmagus: CH-CHKK
sirtmagus: SEQUEL TIME
sirtmagus: HERE WE GO AGAIN
JohnnyMora: LOCKED/UNLOCKED
JohnnyMora: It’s that easy.
sirtmagus: MILLA is the master of unlocking?!
JohnnyMora: See, another reference.
sirtmagus: But she’s not a Milla sandwich.
JohnnyMora: But man, imagine if the movie series had just ended here.
sirtmagus: it’d be a relief, that’s for sure.
JohnnyMora: But if it wasn’t for this movie, Milla wouldn’t ever have fallen in love with Paul W.S. Anderson. :3
sirtmagus: Hey, if it wasn’t for Fifth Element she wouldn’t ever have fallen in love with Luc Besson.
JohnnyMora: She fell in love with him!?
sirtmagus: She’s a black widow!
sirtmagus: Or praying mantis.
sirtmagus: Whichever.
JohnnyMora: She eats the men she sleeps with?!
JohnnyMora: Anyways, where does this movie fall in the pantheon of video game movie adaptations?
sirtmagus: Eh. I guess in the middle somewhere.
sirtmagus: It’s not entertaining or silly enough to be fun, or funny, and it’s not faithful to the material.
JohnnyMora: it sorta is
JohnnyMora: there was an evil corporation named Umbrella.
JohnnyMora: And there were zombies.
JohnnyMora: And dog zombies.
JohnnyMora: And a licker.
JohnnyMora: And a countdown train ride.
sirtmagus: OK, but it wasn’t scary
sirtmagus: or even that exciting.
sirtmagus: And who was there to care about in the cast?
JohnnyMora: So it’s like Resident Evil 0.
sirtmagus: I cared about Rebecca.
sirtmagus: Just not enough to finish the game. :\
JohnnyMora: You cared about her butt.
JohnnyMora: Not the same thing!
sirtmagus: Well yeah.
sirtmagus: Milla doesn’t even have a butt.
sirtmagus: Or a bust.
sirtmagus: Or hips.
JohnnyMora: Most models don’t!!
sirtmagus: Shame isn’t it?
sirtmagus: Maybe they should stay out of my Resident Evil movies!
sirtmagus: Shit, this isn’t my Resident Evil.
sirtmagus: This is some hack’s.
JohnnyMora: Right.
JohnnyMora: YOUR Resident Evil movie starts in the mountains. :3
sirtmagus: Like the game?
JohnnyMora: And features Hairy Barry Burton.
sirtmagus: You would never say no to Barry Burton.
sirtmagus: No one would.
JohnnyMora: You can’t.
JohnnyMora: He’s an animal. {:c
sirtmagus: A raging hellbeast.
sirtmagus: Prowling for Jill sandwiches.
JohnnyMora: Perfect for PROJECT NEMESIS
sirtmagus: HONK HONK
sirtmagus: At least the next movie had the sense to be fun.
sirtmagus: Didn’t this one plod about?
JohnnyMora: yeahhh
JohnnyMora: Now that I see it again, it stinks more than I remember.
JohnnyMora: And the next one had a giddier sense of fun about things.
JohnnyMora: Like it wouldn’t be implausible to see Milla punch a bullet or something.
sirtmagus: Yeah, and that’s awesome/
sirtmagus: This one feels like it’s important.
sirtmagus: No winking.
sirtmagus: No one-liners beyond whatever Michelle barks out.
JohnnyMora: They weren’t even funny one-liners.
JohnnyMora: It’s like screenwriters think if you just repeat ANYTHING it becomes hysterical.
JohnnyMora: And unfortunately most people probably think they’re right!!
sirtmagus: Nothing over-the-top except a Matrix bullet shot, and the Licker BURSTING into flames.
sirtmagus: The dog kick comes closest to being successfully goofy.
JohnnyMora: That’s why I love it. :3
sirtmagus: Yeah.
JohnnyMora: PETA be damned.
sirtmagus: But everything else is so dour and droll.
sirtmagus: Milla crying for Michelle? SERIOUSLY?
JohnnyMora: Yeah, what the fuck did you think you were doing >:\
JohnnyMora: If you want to see Paul W.S. Anderson take himself even MORE seriously, watch Event Horizon.
JohnnyMora: Even Sam Neill acting wacky can’t save that stinker.
sirtmagus: I’ve sorta been meaning to over the past few years. I’m still in no real rush.
JohnnyMora: It’s…
JohnnyMora: A potentially cool sci-fi concept being executed at point-blank range by Anderson’s hack-y filmmaking.
sirtmagus: How come no one screens this guy’s scripts?
JohnnyMora: How would you screen them?
JohnnyMora: Give him only the best, or send him scripts that matched his own level of ineptness?
sirtmagus: Argh.
sirtmagus: What really fries my beans
sirtmagus: is Capcom couldn’t even outdo this.
JohnnyMora: Well, no.
JohnnyMora: Why do you think they could?
JohnnyMora: The source material is really trashy, too.
sirtmagus: Yeah but good stuff can come out of trashy material!!
sirtmagus: That’s not a viable excuse anymore!
JohnnyMora: I don’t often hear praise heaped upon RE’s storyline.
JohnnyMora: Especially since Capcom can’t keep it straight.
sirtmagus: No. You’re right. They clearly don’t give a shit.
sirtmagus: Until Brian Michael Bendis comes in and does ULTIMATE RESIDENT EVIL or something it will never be clear.
JohnnyMora: So why think the stewards would take better care of it?!
JohnnyMora: Bendis putting Leon, Claire, Chris and Jill in a high school setting would be marvelous. :3
sirtmagus: oh golly
sirtmagus: I want my underdog Leon trying to impress the girls
sirtmagus: only to have jock Chris spit in his
sirtmagus: JILL SANDWICH
JohnnyMora: One issue could explore the ramifications of Chris’ steroid abuse :c
sirtmagus: Exchange student Sheva shows up~
JohnnyMora: Along with Ada :3
JohnnyMora: Bitchy Asian exchange student who bosses around Leon.
sirtmagus: Leon loves it of course.
JohnnyMora: Of course~
sirtmagus: Funny, we sort of described Dragonball Evolution’s idea of what an adaptation should be.
JohnnyMora: x3
JohnnyMora: They should make a cartoon out of that movie!
sirtmagus: That’s the thing
sirtmagus: I don’t mind changing settings, characters, whatever
sirtmagus: but if your changes aren’t going to be any GOOD
sirtmagus: then fuck all.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: You seemed very set upon faithfulness to the source earlier.
sirtmagus: WELL
JohnnyMora: Like it’s the answer to everything!
sirtmagus: it makes you wonder if these guys even know what they’re adapting!
JohnnyMora: If Paul W.S. Anderson didn’t change anything to the first game’s story, do you STILL think the movie would be good?
sirtmagus: Prooooooobably not!
sirtmagus: But look at Silent Hill
sirtmagus: that movie was GOLD when it was faithful!
JohnnyMora: Then you’d be all like, “Why didn’t they change the hokey, cheesy parts of the game’s story?!”
JohnnyMora: Yes, but that’s Silent Hill.
JohnnyMora: Silent Hill had a decent foundation that didn’t need to be messed with.
JohnnyMora: RE is a fixer-upper.
sirtmagus: Well. They failed to fix it!
JohnnyMora: Obviously.
JohnnyMora: Not enough herbs, either.
sirtmagus: Oh man, yeah.
JohnnyMora: Except in Michelle’s trailer.
sirtmagus: olol
JohnnyMora: And then she catapulted into fame~


REFLECTIONS ON A FACTORY GRUMP

JohnnyMora: Well, it’s been two years, my friend~
sirtmagus: Oh gaaaaawwwwwwwd.
JohnnyMora: How’s it feel!
sirtmagus: WHAT have WE been DOING?!?!
sirtmagus: We sure do dislike things!
sirtmagus: And sometimes… we like them!
JohnnyMora: Today I actually had a grump crisis of faith.
JohnnyMora: I was wading through the anime section at Best Buy.
JohnnyMora: Wishing I could like the glut of shit on the shelves.
sirtmagus: But then Susie-chan couldn’t buy her Lucky Star 2nd Special Edition w/ XXL T-Shirt!
sirtmagus: And CD soundtrack!
sirtmagus: With lyrics!
sirtmagus: So she could post her own karaoke version on YouTube!
JohnnyMora: Thankfully I snapped out of it~
JohnnyMora: But man. We’ve been fighting the good fight.
JohnnyMora: And what do we have to show for it?!
sirtmagus: Battered egos and bruised psyches.
JohnnyMora: Has anyone besides ourselves become grumpier?
sirtmagus: I’d say the world as a whole has been its grumpiest.
sirtmagus: With every right!
JohnnyMora: >>>:3
sirtmagus: I mean
sirtmagus: god.
sirtmagus: Wolverine getting leaked.
JohnnyMora: And publicly humiliated.
sirtmagus: because of… grumps.
JohnnyMora: I wish more big Hollywood duds would get leaked like Wolverine and Dragonball Evolution so that Hollywood couldn’t make a single red cent on taking advantage of gullible viewers.
sirtmagus: Oh yeah. These are Robin Hood grumps.
JohnnyMora: I hope Transformers 2 gets leaked tomorrow and Michael Bay loses all will to live.
JohnnyMora: And upon hearing the news Jerry Bruckheimer throws himself off a cliff.
JohnnyMora: Landing on Ron Howard.
sirtmagus: I’m wondering what kind of anger hurricane would formulate over L.A. or wherever Christian Bale is if Terminator got leaked.
JohnnyMora: He would become some sort of berserker.
sirtmagus: A national danger.
JohnnyMora: So do you think Grump Factory has changed over the past year?
sirtmagus: Well. I know I got lazier.
JohnnyMora: I feel that way sometimes, too. :c
JohnnyMora: And it’s been hard with school. I haven’t been able to be as single-mindedly devoted to putting up articles as I’d like!
sirtmagus: Until that one time I decided to really put my all my thoughts and feelings into that Watchmen review,
sirtmagus: only to have WordPress crash on me.
JohnnyMora: Oh gosh.
JohnnyMora: Our banner still hasn’t recovered~
sirtmagus: That was a nightmarish night.
sirtmagus: Oh yeah, that’s my
sirtmagus: state of… being.
sirtmagus: It’ll recover. Eventually?!
JohnnyMora: I hope so!!!
JohnnyMora: It’s been a pretty dry season for me.
JohnnyMora: I haven’t felt like anything has begged me to put it into an article.
JohnnyMora: I don’t like to write up something unless I feel like I can add something unique of my own to it.
JohnnyMora: And the stuff I’ve been seeing lately hasn’t been galvanizing me.
JohnnyMora: Maybe once I finish Phantasy Star I’ll have something to say~
sirtmagus: Dragonball was a lot of fun to review.
JohnnyMora: It’s fantastic when you have something really bad to sink your teeth into. >:3
JohnnyMora: That’s why I’m considering seeing Crank 2.
sirtmagus: Aw, did you see the first one?
JohnnyMora: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Bai Ling… how could it get worse?
JohnnyMora: No.
sirtmagus: It’s ridiculous.
sirtmagus: Like Shoot ‘Em Up ridiculous, but … better…?
JohnnyMora: I’ll be honest: Bai Ling improvising her own role is almost the only reason I’d be seeing this new one.
sirtmagus: Did you see her five favorite movies thing at RottenTomatoes?
JohnnyMora: NO?!
sirtmagus: Holy shit.
sirtmagus: I’ll sum it up: “Romance romance romance romance movie I was in with Richard Gere where we did romance and romance.”
sirtmagus: She picked her own movie.
sirtmagus: That nobody heard of.
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: Not even Richard Gere.
JohnnyMora: I’ll save my full thoughts on Bai Ling for after seeing Crank 2. x3
sirtmagus: I’m looking forward to it, too.
JohnnyMora: What do you hope for Grump Factory to achieve in the forthcoming year?!
JohnnyMora: I hope we get recognized by a wider audience. ;__;
sirtmagus: That’d be cool.
sirtmagus: I’d like my writing to improve.
JohnnyMora: Mine too!
JohnnyMora: I have fits and starts of stuff I like, but overall I think I could improve my prose.
JohnnyMora: I wanna find the right balance between intelligent analysis and humor.
sirtmagus: That would be ideal.
sirtmagus: That’s something I can control. I’m not gonna worry about anything else.
JohnnyMora: Wise words. |:3
sirtmagus: Is there a write-up or something you’re particularly proud of from this past year?
JohnnyMora: I was gonna get to that.
JohnnyMora: Honestly, I really enjoyed posting my Superman Returns grump.
JohnnyMora: I felt I got to get a lot of things off my chest about the franchise and character himself.
sirtmagus: Yeah, you reached
sirtmagus: some kind of peak with that article. :c
JohnnyMora: I also really liked the few articles that had me seething in a kind of transcendental rage: The Stepford Wives and Mega Man 9.
JohnnyMora: And boy, was that Mega Man 9 article popular. :3
JohnnyMora: I also really like my defense of Speed Racer. I hope it can be a beacon for all movie lovers across the Internet, to not feel ashamed of enjoying that movie~
sirtmagus: Yeah, that is something that needs to spread. Like a speedy, good-hearted virus.
JohnnyMora: What about you? Any proud moments you want to share? :3
sirtmagus: HOLY CRAP
sirtmagus: TVTROPES LINKED TO MY STAND ALONE COMPLEX REVIEW!?!?
JohnnyMora: :D
sirtmagus: Definitely that.
JohnnyMora: Any specific articles in the intervening time that you look back on fondly?
sirtmagus: Quantum of Solace, Crisis Core and Pineapple Express were… therapeutic.
JohnnyMora: All three were pretty traumatic to grump sensibilities \:[
sirtmagus: with those it was like “What is this… I don’t even…”
sirtmagus: But Dark Knight was the hardest to write.
sirtmagus: I didn’t even know how to approach that.
JohnnyMora: Oh god, I did not envy you.
JohnnyMora: Can I divulge a secret pleasure I have writing articles? :3
JohnnyMora: I love taking my own screenshots. x3
JohnnyMora: I feel I did some of my best work for the Superman series screenshots. I still think most of them are hysterical.
sirtmagus: Oh man. I think I loathe that. Unless I see something very specific I want.
sirtmagus: Oh, yeah.
sirtmagus: You captured the awfulness of those movies pretty damn well.
sirtmagus: Thtat’s conclusive evidence.
JohnnyMora: So. With that, our blog enters its terrible twos. D:
sirtmagus: Ohhh nnoooooo
sirtmagus: It needs its bottle.

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2 Responses to “Second Year Grumpiversary – Resident Evil”

  1. Rick Says:

    Congrats on year two! I won’t go into the whole Resident Evil thing with you guys, because we’ve been over it what seems like dozens of times and I just won’t become a better movie-goer. =3

    But enough self-fappery about yourselves! Do more grumps!

  2. Marc M Says:

    Here’s to two more years (or more!) of Grumping~ :3

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