Notes From a Review That Never Was: Terminator Salvation

by

Duhhh

What a mixed bag. In some ways better than the jokey third movie, in other ways, worse. It’s all pointless of course, a cash-in,  begins nice and bleak with a man’s execution.

clumsy. intro with worthington and carter…. drrrr. then thrown into the future.

bale grunts and screams.

worthington stumbles out of the wreckage ALIVE!! and screaming. who could he beeeee?

jumps off a chopper into the ocean – why?? oh to rendevous with a submarine somehow. meets his superiors.

MICHAEL FUCKIN’ IRONSIDE shows up and brings some 80s sci-fi credibility.

finds out he’s gonna meet Kyle Reese – “a civilian.” meets his fellow soldiers. and Bryce Dallas lookin’ chunky.

Action figure or actor? You decide.

Worthington wandering arond in the dsert finds a thing. Danny Elfman’s music somehow makes itself known.

Connor listening to Sarah’s tape from the frst movie. OHH PLOT gotta fnd Kyle

Kyle finds Worthington “Come with me if you wanna live.” Tiny black girl rebel. Just happen to have a lot of traps lying around to kill the shoddy Terminator looking after them.

Worthington shows more blood in his veins as a robot than as a human in Avatar. Asks what date and year it is – reverse Terminator! Guy gets sent into the future instead of the past… HRRRM. Why is it the future looks so drab and boring compard to the awesome dark neon future depicted in the first movie?

MEANWHILE Bale makes a robot snake pet. MEANWHILE Kyle and Worthington play with a shotgun, Worthington fixes a radio for them, and just so happen to hear Bale giving a radio speech at the same time. Turns out everyone listens in on John Connor’s Fireside Chats.

THEN  Worthington fixes a car. Music! “What’s that?” “Something my brother used to listen to.” BUHHH? Ack! A scout!! Robots all look like they came out of the Matrix. THROWS A TIRE IRON AT IT. WHAAAAA

Then they come across a bunch of desert people led by an Old Lady. Terminator = Fallout = every post-apocalyptic thing. The awesome thing about the first two Terminator movies, and even the third one, was how they mixed tropes and genre – future threat in the past, romance, family, etc.

this is going through the motions… Oh, a GATHERER Terminator shows up without alerting anyone. Then ROBO terminators. motorcyle robots. long chase/action sequence. really pushing the limits of disbelief. luckily they snag one that snaps up and slams into a HK turbine. ACTION ACTION ACTION kyle and kid get caught by the robot gatherer?!?!

Worthington suddenly finds Moon Bloodgood. “Connor can help you!” OH OK. Cut to Kyle Reese delivering “stay alive” treacly dialouge. Then Bloodgold’s like “look at my chest.” THEN some savage guys (I guess?) show up to harrass Moon, but it’s all ball-less. After reading The Road this post-apocaylse barely has any teeth. Or dick. To rape with. BUT THEN Worthington shows up and pounds them all into oblivion and the movie almost has a pulse. Of course this makes Moon wet and next scene she cuddles up with Sam at the fire “for some body heat.” “You have a strong heart.” Ladies just keep telling him that these days.

“You think people deserve a second chance?” “Yeah. They do.” OH. Adama had this same thought in BSG ~~ :VV

“It works, man! YOur signal works! It’s beautiful.”

Cut to prison camp. Pushin’ humans in~ Not many robots on the Machine Side is there? Guy tries to escape, gets shot. No blood, no nothin’. Terminator De-balled.

Worthington gets mined and then we’re rushed into his reveal as a Terminator. Moon suffers some Cylon heartbreak. Then frees him. Yayy~

Let's go teach robots how to love!

Cue prison break. Moon’s nuts. The guy’s a ROBOOOOTTTT. Explosions. ROBOT EELS. Sam and Bale make a deal. Ironside fires Bale. “WE ARE DEAD WE ARE ALL DEAD.” Could that be the Bale Breakdown scene? Doing a Batman growl/yell all the time. Brrrrrrrrrrmmm. Speech time.

“I’ll be back.” BLEHHHH– okay. not bad. CUE 90s music yeahhhhhh. best part of the movie? nice callback to John Connor’s REBELLIOUS childhood? HONK HONK he gets himself a robot motorcycle.

San Fran is LA 2019 from Blade Runner falming smokestakcs and dark shit. Nice.  Can’t help it. I dig the look. :V

Marcus gets a huge info dump, unfortunately it’s nothing we don’t already know. Dramatic irony can only go so far!

Then Helenabot shows up and tells Marcus everything. IT WAS A TRAP YOU WERE OUR PERFECT TERMINATOR ALL ALONG. So this really is ZTerminator 4!!!!?! ARNOLD CAMEOOOOO YEEEESSSSS  OH WAIT NEVERMIND let’s see what marcus and bryce are up to. Oh all right let’s blow Arnold up. Such a grand reveal wasted. =(

fight fight fight random terminators OH KYLE HI you gotta get outta here OK OK I’m John Connor see ya LET’S BLOW THIS PLACE UP Marcus to the rescue~~~ derp derp random terminator comes after Connor, appopriately Terminatory he’s crawling to survive yells at terminator as he THINKS  he defeats it. Brings marcus and his organic heart BACK TO LIFE with wires?! Connor gets slashes and stabbed. Wait don’t worry cuz Marcus’ heart that got beat by a Terminator is good enough to replace John’s. “wHAT IS it that makes us human?” A heart apparently. Literally. “There is no fate but what we make.” Slapjob ending. “THE WAR RAGES ON.” Guh. OK?

excuse me wtf r u doin

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