Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

D: Dial D for Distinct

June 3, 2010

There were several reasons why I decided to get a Sega Saturn, and one of them was to experience the unpredictable mind of Kenji Eno, founder of the dearly departed developer Warp. Never heard of Warp? I wouldn’t be surprised. Their reputation has faded into nothing more than a piece of video game trivia  from the mid-to-late 1990s. An esoteric Japanese game developer, Warp was helmed by Eno and taken in some rather interesting directions. Their first stateside release was Puyo Puyo rip-off Trip’d on the 3DO, which I guarantee no one here has heard of or played. Their second, however, was D.

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Noby Noby Boy – It Belongs in a Museum

September 28, 2009

While some developers cater to fans, ignore fans, or port shovelware Keita Takahashi aims for the edge of the solar system. Though not quite a household name like Shigeru Miyamoto or Will Wright, Takahashi should be known for Katamari Damacy and its sequel, two trippy games so fresh and fun the world waited with bated breath to see what his next endeavor might be. Eventually word came that Takahashi would rather quit making games and design playgrounds.

Hm.

Then word came that Noby Noby Boy would be his next venture. And nobody knew what it was – even Takahashi had trouble describing it. Now, all mystery surrounding the game has been lifted since it’s been available for some time on the PS3’s Playstation Network. Even then, it’s not an easy game to describe or play…

Oooohhh!

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Grump Alert: Hollywood Doesn’t Care About Good Movies

February 4, 2009

This post could easily be more Oscar nomination grousing, but no, I’m over that. Mostly.

No, instead, this is about some other awards ceremony: the Annies. It’s a ceremony that rewards animated features and shorts. With the strong showing in that field this year thanks to WALL-E, you’d think PIXAR would be cleaning up the awards, right?

WRONG, WALL-E GOT COMPLETELY SHUT OUT.

Now, this in itself isn’t what burns my biscuit. I could understand if it just got pushed out of the way for a dark horse candidate like, say, Waltz for Bashir. But that isn’t what happened. WALL-E lost out to Kung-Fu Panda, which won 15 of the 24 categories.

Now, I have nothing personal against Kung-Fu Panda. It was entertaining! A step in the right direction for Dreamworks! But is it better than WALL-E? Never. If I ever meet a person in real life insinuate something even close to that, I will look them in the eye, clench my jaw and give them a slap that Daniel Plainview would wince at.

And that’s not even the only disgrace in this. JAR JAR BINKS got an Annie and WALL-E didn’t. What the fucking hell?! There’s… there’s no justice. 2009’s awards shows can kiss my ass.

(grumplet) The Happiness of the Katakuris: The Sound of Music with Dead Bodies

January 27, 2009

The premise of The Happiness of the Katakuris is like this: A middling patriach of a Japanese family leaves behind his mundane shoe sales job in order to open up a bed-and-breakfast at the foot of Mt. Fuji and drags his whole family along for the ride. However, when they finally get their first guests, each one ends up dying overnight. Desperate to stave off police suspicion and save the family business, they decide to bury the growing number of bodies in the nearby grounds.

Now, this sounds pretty macabre, like some sort of Asian “The Telltale Heart.” A conventional treatment of a plot such as this might be a quiet, haunting horror movie filled with chilling imagery, deadly silences and mounting dread that culminates into a terrifying treatise on guilt and paranoia.

But this movie was made by Takashi Miike, so it’s a musical comedy instead.

FAME! I wanna live forevaaaaaaaaaaa

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BATMAN AND ROBIN – Rock Bottom

August 1, 2008

Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer Mike Nelson writes in his collection of movie reviews, “Movie MegaCheese”:

For those of you who were scared away by the abysmal reviews of Batman & Robin, let me lay to rest some of the prejudices you might have about the film. It’s not the worst movie ever. No, indeed. It’s the worst thing ever. Yes, it’s the single worst thing that we as human beings have ever produced in recorded history. (There may have been a viler clay tablet somewhere in prehistory, but we mustn’t spend time speculating on that.) Batman & Robin is an act of cold cynicism, reckless incompetence, and unbridled hate. It is a story filled with hints of fetishism and pederasty, displayed with a bald-faced contempt for its audience.

But, hey, that George Clooney is easy on the eyes, I’ll tell you that for free!

And that’s really all there is to say at this point. As with Batman Forever, here are my unedited viewing notes and an obscene amount of screenshots of a really bad, really stupid movie.

batman on ICE ARRGURURHGGHGHA
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BATMAN FOREVER – Thankfully Not Forever

July 25, 2008

Despite Burton’s hang-ups with plot, pacing and remote-controlled penguins the director helped catapult Batman into the mainstream consciousness as a serious comic book icon, a badass, kind of psychotic, and relevant, because nothing is relevant unless it’s rendered in live-action cinema. When Joel “Lost Boys” Schumacher took the franchise reins from Burton, who held on as a “producer” (whatever that means), Batman’s newfound reputation as a fearsome crusader was dashed to the rocks, replaced by an insufferable neon-lit homo eroticism. How WB allowed this to happen to their superhero cash cow is nothing short of bewildering. Obviously no one gave a damn. The only thing that mattered at this point were the Burger King tie-ins, the action figures and toys and the shitty Super Nintendo game. Clearly, across the board, no one was attempting a modicum of quality control because no one gave a shit. And we allowed it to happen! Batman Forever made a ton of money in 1995 yet even as a kid I knew something was wrong. Mainly I was embarrassed by Jim Carrey’s canoodling. And all that neon rubber? The stupid new theme music?! What, was Danny Elfman’s too good?

I won’t go into a full-detail analysis because I just don’t have it in me to put every codpiece-covered inch of Batman Forever under the grumposcope. It is exactly the type of 1990s clueless studio manipulated trash that deserves to be mocked and shamed, useful for only the occasional ironic laugh. Instead I’ve provided my unedited notes I took while watching the movie, and there are the usual screenshots.

why

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Metal Gear Solid 4: WTFs of the Patriots

June 19, 2008

SPOILER ALERT: This discussion makes no attempt to avoid plot spoilers. It’s highly recommended that you completely finish Metal Gear Solid 4 before continuing if you wish to remain unspoiled
JohnnyMora: So. Metal Gear Solid FUCKIN’ 4.
sirtmagus: So what did you think when you first put it in? That Blu-ray disc. That big, fat double-layered Blu-ray game that won’t ever get on Xbox 360…
JohnnyMora: Oh gosh.
JohnnyMora: Should I go into what I had to GO THROUGH to get it?
JohnnyMora: The most AWFUL midnight launch ever?
JohnnyMora: With the awful Mexican ex-gangbanger who loves Jesus now and thinks that the Freemasons are gonna end the world in 2012?
sirtmagus: Maybe his nanomachines were going haywire.
JohnnyMora: Because that was an awful way to start things. >:c
JohnnyMora: HONESTLY.
JohnnyMora: Maybe it was just Mantis toying with me!
JohnnyMora: But I felt GREAT opening my LIMITED EDITION box!
JohnnyMora: So heavy and cool to the touch~
JohnnyMora: I don’t know why the temperature of the stupid box got me excited, but it did.
JohnnyMora: Still does!
JohnnyMora: And I was. so. excited!
JohnnyMora: TO INSTALL THE GAME

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