One Year Grumpiversary

by

In honor of their first year online Tim and John watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation with running commentary:

sirtmagus: ok stinkfist
sirtmagus: I’m READY when you are
JohnnyMora: now i’m not ready
JohnnyMora: JUST KIDDING
sirtmagus: \:[
JohnnyMora: gooooo
sirtmagus: LOADING
sirtmagus: LOOOOOOOOOOOOAD
JohnnyMora: I’m 9 seconds in
sirtmagus: OK ME TOO
sirtmagus: GO GO GO
JohnnyMora: This fucking techno song
sirtmagus: Fuck yooou, New Line.
JohnnyMora: It’s like the generic techno song
JohnnyMora: How did MK get this song?
sirtmagus: It is. It IS the techno song.
sirtmagus: *THE techno song.
JohnnyMora: Is it originally theirs? Did they adapt it? The world may never care.
JohnnyMora: OH WHOA THAT TITLE
JohnnyMora: IS IN MY FACE
sirtmagus: oh wow
JohnnyMora: Like this movie respects Buddhism in the least.
sirtmagus: What a cheap recap.
JohnnyMora: What a cheap recap of a cheap movie.
JohnnyMora: BOOMING VOICEOVER
JohnnyMora: OF WHOEVER
JohnnyMora: Oh god.
JohnnyMora: These effects. Were we ever impressed?
sirtmagus: In 1995 I might have been. A tiny bit. But that was the first movie.
sirtmagus: I knew this was crap when I first rented it.
JohnnyMora: Here’s a bit of embarrassing trivia.
JohnnyMora: I willin–oh god
sirtmagus: WHOA ERMAC
JohnnyMora: Motaro just derailed my train of thought.
JohnnyMora: GO AWAY NEW RAIDEN
sirtmagus: Well that’s obviously not Christopher Lambert.
sirtmagus: You know you’re in trouble when RUSSEL NASH says no to your movie.
JohnnyMora: This guy playing Shao Khan never acted before. Ever. In any way.
JohnnyMora: He is the most truthful person ever.
JohnnyMora: And Robin Shou can barely speak English.
sirtmagus: No, dude, he totally did. he was the alien assassin in X-Files.
JohnnyMora: was he?
sirtmagus: Pretty sure.
JohnnyMora: Then why can’t he ACT
sirtmagus: He was a silent alien killer! He was like poor man’s Terminator.
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: His VOICE!
JohnnyMora: He’s the most petulant dictator ever
sirtmagus: AS LONG AS YOUR PORTAL REMAINS OPEN — so suggestive.
JohnnyMora: His voice almost CRACKS
sirtmagus: Seriously.
JohnnyMora: such flabby pecs
sirtmagus: I like how they just leap into each other.
JohnnyMora: and awful dubbed in sound effects from the game
JohnnyMora: Is Uwe Boll REALLY worse than this?
JohnnyMora: OH NO
JohnnyMora: THE FEET
sirtmagus: I’m almost curious enough to find out if he is.
JohnnyMora: Why is a tough federal agent or whatever a BLONDE MODEL
JohnnyMora: oh noooo
JohnnyMora: Johnny Cage
sirtmagus: Is Robin Shou the ONLY one from the last movie??
JohnnyMora: We cared about youuuuu
JohnnyMora: Johnny’s returning. I think.
JohnnyMora: And Kitana.
sirtmagus: hey
sirtmagus: I think raiden was in BSG.
JohnnyMora: As who?
sirtmagus: He was Tom Zarek’s crony.
sirtmagus: On Kobol.
JohnnyMora: :s
sirtmagus: {:3
sirtmagus: IT HAS BEGUN!!
JohnnyMora: Sheeva, why is that such a cool prospect, bowing down to Shao Khan?
JohnnyMora: It just means more competition to blow him.
JohnnyMora: THIS PLOT IS BARRELLING FORWARD
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: did
sirtmagus: This movie doesn’t skip a beat!
JohnnyMora: someone just yell lalilulelo?
sirtmagus: I thought it was “Annihiliate ’em!”
JohnnyMora: Why do these ninjas keep PAUSING.
JohnnyMora: And maybe it was.
JohnnyMora: But Shao Khan has mushmouth
JohnnyMora: OH HERE COMES A DRASTIC SHIFT IN TONE
sirtmagus: True. They should’ve cast Frank Langella. That guy annunciates the shit out of words.
JohnnyMora: I like how this movie world has a bunch of fake rules that everyone angsts over.
JohnnyMora: Rules that can and do change all the time.
sirtmagus: Constantly.
JohnnyMora: JUST THOUGHT I’D SHOOT LIGHTNING AT THAT DOUCHE OF A WALL
sirtmagus: What a mistake replacing Christopher Lambert, man.
JohnnyMora: Yup
sirtmagus: His voice is the best.
JohnnyMora: But he could smell a total stinker.
JohnnyMora: And quit trying to show emotion, Sonya.
JohnnyMora: INNER WINDS
sirtmagus: “The inner winds propel you?”
JohnnyMora: WILL COME
JohnnyMora: FROM MY BUTT
PART 2
sirtmagus: PART 2 GO
sirtmagus: “You did great last time, Liu.”
JohnnyMora: YOU DID GRATE LAST TYM LOU
JohnnyMora: This is such a gay means of transportation.
sirtmagus: what the hell is this
sirtmagus: this is like Dr. Evil’s escape pod.
JohnnyMora: It’s like that part from FFIX.
JohnnyMora: Where you rode ants.
JohnnyMora: Or something.
JohnnyMora: through tunnels
sirtmagus: It’s FF9 so I don’t remember that at all.
JohnnyMora: THIS SPHERE RUNS ON SEXUAL CONTACT
JohnnyMora: QUICK, RUB UP AGAINST ME
sirtmagus: Oh wow
sirtmagus: PURPLE
JohnnyMora: That’s what Outworld or whatever exports.
JohnnyMora: Purple
JohnnyMora: And lightning.
JohnnyMora: Is this…
JohnnyMora: Shao Khan?
sirtmagus: I think Peter Jackson aped this “zoom through entire country until you get to the villain’s room” thing for Lord of the Rings.
JohnnyMora: Right.
JohnnyMora: This was the innovator of that.
sirtmagus: Absolutely. It. Is. GLORIOUS!!!
JohnnyMora: WHO IS THIS DOUCHE
sirtmagus: Shao Khan’s mother?
JohnnyMora: His awful, bearded mother.
sirtmagus: Khan should never be allowed to take off his skull mask.
JohnnyMora: They needed Udo Kier for this role.
JohnnyMora: And I agree.
sirtmagus: oh DEFINITELY.
sirtmagus: Udo Kier improves anything.
JohnnyMora: Or change out of his awful gay barbarian costume.
sirtmagus: I wanna find that car commercial he was in.
JohnnyMora: noooo
JohnnyMora: :((
sirtmagus: “He iz… a MASTER of DISGUISE.”
JohnnyMora: quiet moments
JohnnyMora: of character development
JohnnyMora: WASTED
JohnnyMora: On this movie
sirtmagus: I dunno if this means anything
sirtmagus: but Robin Shou was way way better in the first movie.
sirtmagus: This is just ghastly.
JohnnyMora: Well I’m sure he’ll be lots better in the new Chun Li movie.
sirtmagus: HEY SMOKE
sirtmagus: NEAT
JohnnyMora: Playing a ninety million year old man.
JohnnyMora: IS IT?
JohnnyMora: Or is it just generic black mecha-ninja?
JohnnyMora: Smoke was tons better as a secret character in MK2, anyways.
sirtmagus: Yeah. Let’s have no explanation for this android/cyborg/robot. Good idea, movie.
JohnnyMora: WHY IS KITANA FIGHTING WITH SWORDS
JohnnyMora: oh :3
JohnnyMora: I never understood why robots needed dreadlocks.
JohnnyMora: THE BEST WAY TO DODGE A MISSILE IS A BACKFLIP
JohnnyMora: Instead of going like an inch to the right or left.
JohnnyMora: Whoa, Sub Zero in perhaps the silliest entrance ever.
sirtmagus: Uncanny.
JohnnyMora: And he looks sickly thin in that outfit.
sirtmagus: Oh, you’re Sub-Zero’s brother?! Okay.
sirtmagus: What a CARTOON.
JohnnyMora: Well, that’s how the game did it, too.
JohnnyMora: So.
JohnnyMora: Exactly what are they searching for?
sirtmagus: um. Wolf guy.
sirtmagus: The reason why is hilarious and awdul.
JohnnyMora: Is that a portmanteau of awful and dull?
JohnnyMora: GOD
JohnnyMora: THIS DUMB SCORPION VOICE
JohnnyMora: It’s just the sound from the game.
sirtmagus: Scorpion’s back and he’s got two whip-snake things cuz it’s the SEQUEL.
JohnnyMora: This set is the cheapest thing ever.
JohnnyMora: Ice that in no way resembles ice.
JohnnyMora: That’s how COLD it is.
sirtmagus: It looks like Sci-Fi Channel stuff like Warbirds or Mansquito vs. Alligator.
JohnnyMora: This is also the dullest martial arts.
JohnnyMora: Everyone politely waits to be beaten up.
sirtmagus: And these fight scenes could not be — yeah, exactly. How about some… excitement?
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: Why did Scorpion melt?
JohnnyMora: When did Scorpion ever say SUCKERSSSSSS?
sirtmagus: I guess that’s how he teleports.
PART 3
sirtmagus: GO PART 3
sirtmagus: ooh, low volume.
JohnnyMora: yeah
JohnnyMora: i’m not certain this wasn’t a part of the awful production, either.
JohnnyMora: Is it like Los Angeles everywhere?
sirtmagus: Very possible. I’m curious how many parking lots and basements this was filmed in.
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: what the fucking hell
JohnnyMora: How did she get to Jax?
sirtmagus: HAHA
sirtmagus: What a great intro for a character.
sirtmagus: Run in, find him on a table, wake him up.
sirtmagus: And he has metal arms. Okay!
JohnnyMora: That wasn’t an introduction.
JohnnyMora: But no one ever liked Jax, anyways.
JohnnyMora: OH WOW
JohnnyMora: Who would’ve thought. Use your giant metal muscle arms to free yourself.
JohnnyMora: Our best and brightest.
sirtmagus: I remember he had a cheap leg sweep. But that could be ANYBODY IN THOSE GAMES.
JohnnyMora: UPPERCUT
sirtmagus: High school jokes! The first movie had one too.
JohnnyMora: [flies 20 feet in the air]
JohnnyMora: What…
JohnnyMora: IS this?
JohnnyMora: Cyrax or whoever?
sirtmagus: Cyrax shot out those lightsaber training things.
JohnnyMora: I haven’t played a MK game in about ten years.
sirtmagus: I was knee-deep in MK lore for a while. -(
sirtmagus: “I’ll take homeboy!”
sirtmagus: It’s amusing how this was in movie theaters.
sirtmagus: That guy only had like four bones in his whole skeleton!
sirtmagus: “Let’s do dis.” Jax has all the necessary black-isms to be a black character.
JohnnyMora: Really?
sirtmagus: “YEAH. NOW WHAT.”
JohnnyMora: I thought they’d been conservative with him.
JohnnyMora: He’s certainly no Cole Train.
sirtmagus: The camera all zoomed in.
sirtmagus: oh god, who IS?
JohnnyMora: what
JohnnyMora: was
JohnnyMora: that
JohnnyMora: that shot out of cyrax?
JohnnyMora: CGI dust?
sirtmagus: Lint.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: OF COURSE
JohnnyMora: AWKWARDLY INTRODUCE SONYA’S FATALITY
sirtmagus: Cyrax was easily defeated. A wall? And sand?
sirtmagus: Oh, I didn’t even make that connection.
sirtmagus: HUH
sirtmagus: That’s one advanced tattoo!
JohnnyMora: But I also want to know–HOLY GOD
JohnnyMora: FAKE EXPLOSION
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: YEAH
sirtmagus: Must’ve been fun to film.
JohnnyMora: Jesus Christ, these villain scenes are the highlight so far.
JohnnyMora: And…
JohnnyMora: that’s sad, because they’re pathetic.
sirtmagus: It’s such a cartoon conceit.
JohnnyMora: WHY ISN’T SHAO KHAN IN COSTUME
sirtmagus: The arguing henchmen.
sirtmagus: Might as well have King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard in there.
JohnnyMora: I hate arguing henchman scenes.
JohnnyMora: But these sorts of movies wouldn’t have any entertainment without them.
JohnnyMora: but man
JohnnyMora: who wouldn’t want eggplant wizard in this movie
sirtmagus: Lt. Gaeta.
JohnnyMora: How do these people hunt SOULS?
JohnnyMora: And what awful acting
JohnnyMora: not even hammy
JohnnyMora: flatter than milla jovovich’s chest
PART 4
sirtmagus: GO PART 4
JohnnyMora: YOU’RE MY QUEEN, SINDEL
JohnnyMora: YOU ARE PRETTY AND ONLY HAVE 2 ARMS
JohnnyMora: Thing is, this movie even fails at capturing how goofy and awful the game’s story REALLY is.
JohnnyMora: And I had a friend that had a ridiculous 400+ page novelization of the games with Kung Lao as the protagonist.
sirtmagus: :[
sirtmagus: i HAD THAT
JohnnyMora: GUITAR
JohnnyMora: WOLF
JohnnyMora: Did you REALLY have that?!
sirtmagus: yup.
JohnnyMora: IT’S MY ANIMALITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
sirtmagus: it was gory, man.
sirtmagus: Not for kids.
JohnnyMora: This guy’s outfit has no reason to exist
sirtmagus: And it really made Scorpion sympathetic. =(
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: :|
JohnnyMora: Don’t be too sad.
JohnnyMora: I willingly wrote a review of this for our school paper and gave it a decent review.
sirtmagus: THIS movie?
JohnnyMora: I was also like 12.
sirtmagus: That’s forgivable.
sirtmagus: Kids are DUMB.
JohnnyMora: This franchise’s target audience.
JohnnyMora: The dumb.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: YOUR BROTHER’S SOUL IS MIIIIIINE
JohnnyMora: I miss him. :((
sirtmagus: Shang?
JohnnyMora: WHY DOESN’T SHAO WANT HIS SKULL HELMET
JohnnyMora: and quit saying animality, movie!
JohnnyMora: It’s a dumb word.
JohnnyMora: BABALITY
JohnnyMora: Oh dear
JohnnyMora: who’s this?
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: Poor man’s Bai Ling?
sirtmagus: oh god.
JohnnyMora: Awful stereotyped Asian sex machine.
sirtmagus: They did ANYTHING to fit in every stupid character.
JohnnyMora: Honestly.
sirtmagus: They were just palette-swapped copies!!
JohnnyMora: There’s TOO MUCH fanservice.
JohnnyMora: The same could be said of the games, too.
JohnnyMora: People got SERIOUS about this shit.
sirtmagus: Absolutely. STRYKER?
sirtmagus: What a SHITHEAD.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: I liked playing as him.
JohnnyMora: And I remember when Jade in UMK3 was a big deal.
sirtmagus: Howso?
JohnnyMora: She got a new costume and moves and everything!
JohnnyMora: and I was 12
sirtmagus: Ah, right.
sirtmagus: What a dumb time. To be alive.
sirtmagus: Or GREAT TIME.
sirtmagus: I CANT’ DECIDE!!
JohnnyMora: man
sirtmagus: she even looks like a cat.
JohnnyMora: I remember when getting MK Trilogy on N64, like, COMPLETED MY LIIIFE
sirtmagus: Like those cat clocks. With the moving eyes.
JohnnyMora: I was about to say.
JohnnyMora: She looks odd.
sirtmagus: Talk about your TIGER LADY.
JohnnyMora: Like Toon Link.
sirtmagus: I guess she’s hot.
sirtmagus: WHAT DO I KNOW
JohnnyMora: Hotter than Bai Ling.
JohnnyMora: TAKE THAT, BAI LING
sirtmagus: I hope she comments on this.
JohnnyMora: Please accept this awful pottery, Kitana.
JohnnyMora: How can she NOT comment?
JohnnyMora: She’s a total fame whore.
JohnnyMora: If we threw our own film festival, she’d somehow show up.
sirtmagus: And falls out of her computer chair triumphantly, and a camera crew walks by and sees her upskirt and she starts spasming voluptuously.
sirtmagus: squirming everywhere
JohnnyMora: …WHAT?!
sirtmagus: suddenly she’s covered in egg yolk.
JohnnyMora: }:3
PART 5
sirtmagus: GO PART 5
JohnnyMora: A STRUGGLING WYRMMM ON A HOOOK
JohnnyMora: Whatever, Shao Khan.
JohnnyMora: Where is Sonya GOING?
JohnnyMora: She has, like, no purpose.
sirtmagus: Kitana so could’ve been Tia Carrere.
JohnnyMora: I was about to say.
JohnnyMora: Why ISN’T she?
JohnnyMora: I never even had a chance to cast her.
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: }:3
sirtmagus: That would’ve been great. She would’ve been on the soundtrack too.
JohnnyMora: I’MA SPIT
JohnnyMora: Jax, enunciate!
sirtmagus: god, you don’t want Jax to spit.
JohnnyMora: His arms are awful.
JohnnyMora: HOW DID HE HOPE TO FUNCTION IN LIFE?
JohnnyMora: This is, like, the same ravine they filmed every awful 50s sci-fi movie in.
sirtmagus: jax just went insane.
sirtmagus: Star Trek episodes.
JohnnyMora: KNIIIIIVES
sirtmagus: heh. they let Sam Raimi film that shot.
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: that rock was so FOAM
JohnnyMora: AHHHH MY HAIR
JohnnyMora: THE WORST PAIN EVERRRRRRRR
JohnnyMora: This is the biggest horny teen bait ever.
sirtmagus: this is… Mileena?
JohnnyMora: “SO THESE TWO HOT GIRLS FIGHT, RIGHT? BUT GET THIS: THEY’RE IN MUD! AWESOME, RIGHT?!?!?”
JohnnyMora: …whoa
JohnnyMora: dragon tattoo
JohnnyMora: for no reason
JohnnyMora: came alive.
JohnnyMora: Jax is the worst black role model ever.
JohnnyMora: Ugh… I gotta go find a river
sirtmagus: He punched that thing in the BUTT.
JohnnyMora: [A MILLION NINJAS SHOW UP]
JohnnyMora: God, I don’t care about Raiden’s spiritual journey.
sirtmagus: I wish wish wish wish this was the Highlander. :(-(
JohnnyMora: Highlander THE ANIME?
sirtmagus: UGH
sirtmagus: Which is WORSE
sirtmagus: This or THAT?
JohnnyMora: TALKING SPOUT OF WATER
JohnnyMora: um
JohnnyMora: this
JohnnyMora: This isn’t even pretty.
sirtmagus: I guess. Which is more boring?
JohnnyMora: This.
sirtmagus: …yeah, he’s talking to water.
JohnnyMora: This isn’t even animated.
sirtmagus: This sort of looks like a Queen video.
sirtmagus: All those candles.
JohnnyMora: gonna cause a fire |:\
sirtmagus: Queen would’ve liked Mortal Kombat.
JohnnyMora: Jeez.
JohnnyMora: Jade’s costume is so damn cheap.
JohnnyMora: With nipple cozies.
sirtmagus: Liu Kang asks “Is that Jax?” but he has no way of knowing who Jax is.
JohnnyMora: I was about to say.
JohnnyMora: Did they talk about him?
JohnnyMora: On some cold, lonely night?
sirtmagus: In the first flick? Not at all. He was in the first scene with Sonya and then not.
JohnnyMora: So Shao Khan is just riding around California on a horse?
JohnnyMora: Not a great plan for world domination.
sirtmagus: I can’t believe I’m praising the first movie for its structure and writing.
JohnnyMora: “NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!!”
JohnnyMora: And yeah, I was about to say that I didn’t want to praise Paul What Script? Anderson.
sirtmagus: It’s most likely his best movie. :s
JohnnyMora: Raiden’s character is so all over the place.
sirtmagus: I think it’s because he’s HUMAN now or whatever.
sirtmagus: He’s the Data of the MK universe.
JohnnyMora: :s
sirtmagus: The moronic, sleeveless Data.
JohnnyMora: not the ROBOTS?
PART 6
sirtmagus: GO PART 6
JohnnyMora: that are actually ROBOTS?
sirtmagus: They HAVE no personality.
JohnnyMora: PUT
sirtmagus: HA! This soundtrack.
JohnnyMora: ON
JohnnyMora: YOUR
JohnnyMora: FUCKING
JohnnyMora: SKULL
sirtmagus: I’m missing the techno.
JohnnyMora: MASK
JohnnyMora: And no, I think this Shao Khan actor was on Buffy and Angel.
JohnnyMora: He was bad there, too.
JohnnyMora: HAHAHAHAEVILLAUGHINGAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sirtmagus: The no-skull-mask thing makes me think of today’s superhero movies. There’s some reason their masks fall off.
sirtmagus: Like Topher in Spidey 3.
JohnnyMora: He keeps his on a lot, considering, though.
sirtmagus: i figure it’s so the actor gets his stupid face onscreen.
JohnnyMora: I like how according to this movie nowhere besides California exists.
JohnnyMora: Stop having to prove you’re black, Jax.
sirtmagus: “It’s like a nightmare or somethin’ man!” and all they show is some wrecked car. Keep Jax away from a junk yard or he’ll break down.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: who the fuck is this douche Shao Khan is whining to?!
JohnnyMora: oh
JohnnyMora: his father
JohnnyMora: So his FATHER is actually the one ruling everything?!
sirtmagus: He did NOT have a father in the games did he?!
JohnnyMora: I didn’t play after 3
JohnnyMora: So I have no idea.
sirtmagus: I think there were ONLY 3 when this came out.
JohnnyMora: When they introduced Shinnok and had MK Mythologies or whatever.
sirtmagus: oh yeah. I missed out on those.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: WHAT IS THIS ATTEMPT AT A SOUNDTRACK?
JohnnyMora: Just brief, annoying 5 second bursts of noise.
sirtmagus: Spectacular visual effects!
JohnnyMora: LOL
sirtmagus: Blurry things!
JohnnyMora: HIDING BEHIND COLUMNS
sirtmagus: haha, aw, they squeak too.
JohnnyMora: Like Yoshi! :3
sirtmagus: I imagine they’d be less annoying than Yoshi in a brawl. >:\
JohnnyMora: This guy can fight, though.
sirtmagus: This uh
sirtmagus: psuedo-Scorpion guy?
JohnnyMora: no
JohnnyMora: Raiden
sirtmagus: Hey, here’s a hard question: Where’s Sub-Zero?
JohnnyMora: WHY DIDNT THEY SHOW THEM FIGHTING SINDEL?
JohnnyMora: um
sirtmagus: :3
JohnnyMora: Do you really miss him?
sirtmagus: I mean, he just DROPPED OUT OF THE MOVIE.
sirtmagus: This movie can’t keep track of its MYRIAD of characters!
sirtmagus: You know what that’s like?
sirtmagus: X-MEN 3.
JohnnyMora:
JohnnyMora: why is Shao Khan’s FATHER letting him do everything? Is it, like, a teenager having his driver’s license test?
sirtmagus: Must be an Outworld cultural thing.
JohnnyMora: If he can successfully invade another realm, he gets to have the keys to the Porsche?
sirtmagus: The Porsche has a big skull on the hood.
JohnnyMora: OH HI KITANA
JohnnyMora: DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT YOU
JohnnyMora: And the porsche is purple
sirtmagus: Shao Khan and Dr. Wily trade decorating tips.
JohnnyMora: it’s a trap, louuu
sirtmagus: She sounds so concerned.
JohnnyMora: or not
JohnnyMora: OH GOD
JohnnyMora: BARAKA
JohnnyMora: NO
sirtmagus: UGH
sirtmagus: another awful MK character.
JohnnyMora: OM NOM NOM NOM
JohnnyMora: Baraka was neat in MK Trilogy, thought. {:3
JohnnyMora: er
sirtmagus: Was he!?
JohnnyMora: though
JohnnyMora: {{{:3
JohnnyMora: Spinning blade attack!
JohnnyMora: I…
JohnnyMora: thought it was so cool when I was 12 :|
sirtmagus: SPINNING BIRD KICK
sirtmagus: Swinging fight. Star Wars Episode 3 rips this off.
PART 7
sirtmagus: GO PART 7
JohnnyMora: right
JohnnyMora: cuz George Lucas saw this
sirtmagus: This movie. Was SO influential.
JohnnyMora: and was like, “man, Episode I has to beat THIS movie!”
JohnnyMora: At least they impressively gave Sheeva four arms.
sirtmagus: Whoa, was Baraka covered in oily rags?
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: BYE SHEEVA
sirtmagus: HA! What an easy way to deal with the technical nightmare that is a 4-armed fight scene.
JohnnyMora: i kinda feel respect
sirtmagus: I kind of do too, oddly.
JohnnyMora: They also avoided Sindel’s yelling and hair CG fight.
sirtmagus: Oh, that’s right! I imagine the writer was really happy with that.
sirtmagus: “LOVE? I HAVE NEVER LOVED YOU.”
JohnnyMora: Oh… but it CAN!!!
sirtmagus: All my dates end up like this. :(-(
JohnnyMora: oh wow japanese cat lady was evil who knew
JohnnyMora: “It was sooooooooooOOOOOOOOO easyyyy… >:3”
sirtmagus: whoa
JohnnyMora: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS SCENE
sirtmagus: um
sirtmagus: She just DIED?
sirtmagus: She didn’t really come out on top, did she?!
JohnnyMora: who
sirtmagus: Sindel.
sirtmagus: Those rave lights got to her.
JohnnyMora: What about Jade?
sirtmagus: She went EXIT STAGE LEFT EVEN
sirtmagus: Rayden, someone took your sleeves, man.
JohnnyMora: outworld to mergatroid!
JohnnyMora: OH NO
JohnnyMora: RAIDEN MIGHT BE A TRAITOR BUT NO ONE REALLY CARES
sirtmagus: Bloodline? I thought Rayden’s a GOD?
JohnnyMora: blood…
JohnnyMora: of…
JohnnyMora: gods…
JohnnyMora: WHERE DID YOU THINK HE CAME FROM, SONYA?
sirtmagus: BROTHERRRRRS
JohnnyMora: …Wait, they made Raiden and Shao Khan brothers? So gay.
JohnnyMora: So Shao Khan’s a god, too?
sirtmagus: I … guess?
sirtmagus: Maybe he’s a halfling.
JohnnyMora: “you… YOU’RE ALREADY DEADDDDD”
sirtmagus: Which would explain why he’s so annoying.
JohnnyMora: That’ll put someone in her place.
JohnnyMora: burping CG monsters.
JohnnyMora: What a delightful movie.
sirtmagus: Oh man. When Shao Khan’s dad saw the walls ate people he knew he had to buy that place.
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: “Now your failure will be my opportunity.” Hm. Awkward!
JohnnyMora: Man, Raiden’s a pussy. After all this, he can’t kill his brother?!
JohnnyMora: “I’ll pray for you all.”
JohnnyMora: Gee, thanks.
sirtmagus: He’s a bastard.
JohnnyMora: Gonna pray to your DAD?
sirtmagus: The ninja’s are running through downtown L.A.
JohnnyMora: I like how they have to show us landmarks to tell us the worlds are merging.
JohnnyMora: You don’t just see nondescript suburbs.
sirtmagus: lol
sirtmagus: “Huh. Some houses.”
JohnnyMora: The wind LOVES Liu’s hair.
sirtmagus: I love Liu’s hair.
sirtmagus: I AM THE WIND
JohnnyMora: Also sung by Tia Carrere
sirtmagus: !!
PART 8
sirtmagus: GO PART 8
JohnnyMora: No, not really :3
JohnnyMora: I like how the villains had time to pose on a building.
JohnnyMora: Finally, Khan put the skull mask back on.
sirtmagus: Only 80 minutes in.
sirtmagus: Shao Khan and his dad are the same age.
JohnnyMora: “IT’S NOT WEAK TO VALUE LIFE, DAAAAD”
JohnnyMora: Well, they’re ageless gods.
sirtmagus: Ah.
sirtmagus: This is almost Shakespearean wouldn’t you say?
JohnnyMora: DON’T TAKE THAT MASK OFF
JohnnyMora: DAMMIT
JohnnyMora: It’s pathetically trying to be, that’s for sure.
sirtmagus: “YOU SHOULD’VE KILLED ME WHILE YOU HAD THE CHAAAANCE” – X-Men 2 steals this. This movie. Was AHEAD OF TIME.
JohnnyMora: Keep saying “BROTHER” meaningfully a few more times. That Oscar might be yours.
sirtmagus: I’m gonna try and do that with my brothers.
JohnnyMora: god
sirtmagus: I’ll eat the last cookie
JohnnyMora: I hate this Raiden’s teeth.
sirtmagus: and be like “you were too late. BROTHER.”
sirtmagus: And cackle maniacally atop a derelict tower.
sirtmagus: With lightning and ghosts.
JohnnyMora: Do it.
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: “MR. ED IS MINE.”
JohnnyMora: They called Ermac a leftover. I couldn’t agree more.
sirtmagus: Truer words.
JohnnyMora: And god, Sonya, get better self-esteem.
sirtmagus: That’s her journey, man.
JohnnyMora: You’re hot AND are saving the world. You have a lot going for you!
JohnnyMora: lol
sirtmagus: Ehh, Bridgitte What’s-Her-Face was better.
JohnnyMora: It’d be funny if when Khan uselessly cracked his neck that he broke it.
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: If Kojima made this.
JohnnyMora: If Kojima made this, Jax would be the head of DARPA.
sirtmagus: 030
JohnnyMora: Why isn’t Khan killing LIU with his punches?
sirtmagus: Shao Khan is poor man’s Clancey Brown I finally realized.
JohnnyMora: Yup
sirtmagus: Really really poor man.
JohnnyMora: Was Clancy REALLY too expensive?
sirtmagus: It would’ve been a Highlander reunion.
sirtmagus: Which is FINE BY ME.
JohnnyMora: Or were they worried he’d be too depressed that Lambert wasn’t there?
sirtmagus: :(-(
sirtmagus: That must be it!
sirtmagus: These fights. Are so namby-pamby.
JohnnyMora: LET’S NOT SHOW SINDEL’S HAIR POWERS OR ANYTHING
JohnnyMora: In the game, weren’t Jax’s arms AMPUTATED?
sirtmagus: I think so.
JohnnyMora: Not just covered with a cybernetic coating?
sirtmagus: He’s shedding his technological bonds, like Skywalker shutting off his nav computer.
sirtmagus: It MEANS SOMETHING.
JohnnyMora: He can predict your tail attack, Motaro. Just saying.
JohnnyMora: So
JohnnyMora: What is Ermac’s power?
sirtmagus: “YEAHH.” Jax is by far the best character here.
sirtmagus: Red.
JohnnyMora: LOL
JohnnyMora: no one help liu kang save the day or anything.
JohnnyMora: OH DEAR
JohnnyMora: A PAY-OFF
JohnnyMora: A really gay pay-off.
sirtmagus: Yeah, real impressive, Shao Khan.
JohnnyMora: oh jesus
JohnnyMora: this CG is awful
sirtmagus: Stephen Sommers watched this
sirtmagus: and knew he had to make Van Helsing.
sirtmagus: He was in awe.
JohnnyMora: And exactly what every MK fan back then was hoping for.
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: YEAH
sirtmagus: REMEMBER
sirtmagus: IN THE GAMES
sirtmagus: HOW YOU COULD TURN INTO DRAGONS
JohnnyMora: TWO CG MONSTERS
JohnnyMora: FIGHTING
sirtmagus: AW MAN
JohnnyMora: IT DIDN’T GET BETTER
sirtmagus: I LOVED TURNING INTO A DRAGON IN MORTAL KOMBAT
JohnnyMora: Did you? :3
sirtmagus: I could FEEL my animality.
JohnnyMora: Did you like… Friendships?
sirtmagus: who didn’t? :3
PART 9
sirtmagus: GO PART 9
JohnnyMora: I liked completely subverting the game’s intent.
JohnnyMora: And giving the opponent flowers or some shit.
JohnnyMora: NOT SO FAST, ELDER GOD
sirtmagus: I admit, that was a stroke of genius.
JohnnyMora: yes
JohnnyMora: the
JohnnyMora: SONG
sirtmagus: YEAH.
JohnnyMora: PEOPLE FLYING AT OTHER PEOPLE
sirtmagus: You KNOW a movie’s serious when the THEME SONG kicks in.
JohnnyMora: THIS KOMBAT SURE IS MORTAL
JohnnyMora: And short-lived.
sirtmagus: oh lol NEVERMIND
sirtmagus: He just STOMPED the song OUT of him!
sirtmagus: Oh, there it is again.
sirtmagus: Awkward sound editing.
JohnnyMora: Everyone’s just sitting back and watching this. Why?!?!?!
sirtmagus: It’s the last fight! And it’s actually kind of… a fight!
JohnnyMora: Ehhh
JohnnyMora: Let’s not overreact.
sirtmagus: It’s the most fight this movie’s had.
JohnnyMora: ….
JohnnyMora: WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO HIS DAD
sirtmagus: LOL
sirtmagus: He folded…?
JohnnyMora: He got sealed away into an interdimensional storage locker.
JohnnyMora: OH, HEY, BUDDHISTS
JohnnyMora: THIS MOVIE’S SORTA ASIAN, REMEMBER?
JohnnyMora: lol
JohnnyMora: All military personnel high-five.
sirtmagus: Of course!
JohnnyMora: And their week is our 80 minutes.
sirtmagus: oh god
sirtmagus: KILLER INSTINCT CROSSOVER
JohnnyMora: HA
sirtmagus: It’s Inferno and…..
sirtmagus: ..uhh
sirtmagus: WATER…O.
JohnnyMora: slippery
JohnnyMora: I feel so, so sorry for Sonya’s actress.
JohnnyMora: Having to look elated.
sirtmagus: Oh wow, it’s like
sirtmagus: Rayden has a new family.
sirtmagus: !!!!
sirtmagus: WHAT DID I SAY
JohnnyMora: These reaction shots are beyond lame.
sirtmagus: MK has always been about traditional family values.
JohnnyMora: THAT WASN’T EVEN REALLY AN ENDING
JohnnyMora: Man.
Reminiscing over the Mortal Kombat phenomenon and 90s nostalgia:
JohnnyMora: This movie was an utter waste of everyone’s time.
JohnnyMora: Audience and staff included.
sirtmagus: They couldn’t be bothered with an ending. Or a story.
sirtmagus: There were 900 characters to squeeze in 85 minutes.
JohnnyMora: The silly cartoon was better than this. And the cartoon made the US Darkstalkers look like Macbeth in comparison.
sirtmagus: There were, like, 8 cartoons.
sirtmagus: I remember a 3D one.
JohnnyMora: That one was just on that promo VHS.
JohnnyMora: That came with KOMBAT KODES.
JohnnyMora: [turns into Ultimecia]
sirtmagus: !!
JohnnyMora: So, yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I was a big MK fan back in the day.
JohnnyMora: I lived and breathed it.
JohnnyMora: I HAD to have every game.
sirtmagus: Hey. I’m guilty too.
JohnnyMora: Is that what it is? Guilt?
sirtmagus: No way!
sirtmagus: It’s appropriate.
sirtmagus: I’m growing nostalgic of the 90s as of late.
JohnnyMora: What a weird decade.
sirtmagus: I’m worried because there are still so many 80s movies to relive and discover.
JohnnyMora: And MK is sort of a…
JohnnyMora: whatchamacallit
JohnnyMora: A sign of the times?
JohnnyMora: I mean, no more Ms. Pac-Man.
JohnnyMora: Now there’s MARIO BROS. MOVIES
JohnnyMora: AND DIGITIZED VIOLENCE
sirtmagus: Yeah, I suppose. Violence. Millenial ANGST.
JohnnyMora: AND CRYSTAL PEPSI
sirtmagus: POGS.
sirtmagus: BART SIMPSON.
JohnnyMora: ROLLERBLADES
sirtmagus: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. GANGSTA RAP.
sirtmagus: What a time.
JohnnyMora: Sega in GENERAL.
JohnnyMora: Everyone always knew the best version of MK would be on the Genesis.
sirtmagus: MK was part and parcel of the Sega vs. Nintendo debate!
JohnnyMora: The BLOOD code?
JohnnyMora: I remember hiding it away from my parents so they wouldn’t know the game had blood in it.
sirtmagus: !!!
JohnnyMora: So I could see the stupid meaningless red pixels fly about.
sirtmagus: Somehow my folks didn’t mind.
JohnnyMora: Mine wouldn’t let me watch Simpsons.
JohnnyMora: Back when it had just split from the Tracy Ullman show.
sirtmagus: haha oh man. We watched it before or during dinner.
sirtmagus: My mom would be like “This is so bad” and then Alfred Hitchock or Gilbert & Sullivan would show up and she’d love it.
JohnnyMora: But yeah, I even had the stupid OVA they sold around the time of the first Kombat movie.
JohnnyMora: That had a 3D Goro.
JohnnyMora: And I about shit myself.
sirtmagus: Ah yes.
sirtmagus: I drew.
sirtmagus: All the characters.
sirtmagus: Scorpion was my favorite, natch.
JohnnyMora: Did you draw your own original characters?
JohnnyMora: Why Scorpion?
JohnnyMora: He showed up for like a second in this movie.
sirtmagus: Yellow was/is my favorite color. And he was a ninja, and had a tragic backstory.
JohnnyMora: Was Sub-Zero chasing after him? Is that why he left?
JohnnyMora: … YELLOW?
JohnnyMora: Yellow’s garish. And his stupid ghost backstory was stupid.
sirtmagus: NUH-UH
sirtmagus: Sub-Zero killed his family!!
JohnnyMora: Sub-Zero was the thinking man’s ninja.
sirtmagus:
sirtmagus: REALLY
JohnnyMora: THAT WAS SUB-ZERO’S OLDER BROTHER.
JohnnyMora: SILLY
sirtmagus: Sub-Zero didn’t even a HAVE brother until MK3 >:
sirtmagus: Retconny bullshit!
JohnnyMora: It was just unspoken.
sirtmagus: That novelization was full of crazy imagery.
JohnnyMora: But man, remember MK2?
JohnnyMora: How SOLID it still felt as a fighting game?
sirtmagus: It still does, at least on SNES.
sirtmagus: It’s fast as hell.
JohnnyMora: WITHOUT a run button.
JohnnyMora: And it had awesome imaginative arenas.
JohnnyMora: Acid pit?
JohnnyMora: COOOOOL
sirtmagus: Scorpion’s hell was cool too!
sirtmagus: And that was in the first movie even!
JohnnyMora: That was in MK3
JohnnyMora: I’m fairly sure?
sirtmagus: MK2 had a bunch of arcade versions.
sirtmagus: I THINK it was in one of the updates.
sirtmagus: But I could be horribly wrong.
sirtmagus: Actually. You could be right.
JohnnyMora: :3
sirtmagus: The first movie coincided with the third game.
JohnnyMora: I was looking at one MK2 stage.
JohnnyMora: And the final part of this movie was actually fairly accurate.
JohnnyMora: Tons of purple and lightning and poor construction.
sirtmagus: If MK is one thing it’s garish.
JohnnyMora: Yeah.
sirtmagus: Just a swirl of hokey ideas.
JohnnyMora: Ed Boon or whoever runs it never really left third grade.
JohnnyMora: Or he has a notebook of fighting game ideas he’s kept since then.
JohnnyMora: Of color-coded ninjas and generic martial arts guys.
JohnnyMora: And now Superman and Batman get to visit them!
sirtmagus: There’s an interview of him on Gametrailers, about the new MK vs. DC game, and what you say actually fits him perfectly.
sirtmagus: And I guess that’s who should be making video games.
sirtmagus: It’s STILL around after all.
JohnnyMora: Yeah, but so is Lara Croft.
JohnnyMora: After HOW MANY awful games?
JohnnyMora: Who keeps buying?
sirtmagus: Apparently she’s had a renaissance of sorts recently but I was never into those games anyway.
JohnnyMora: I mean, people still buy SYPHON FILTER.
JohnnyMora: And CRASH BANDICOOT.
sirtmagus: Wait CRASH is still around?!
JohnnyMora: I guess?
JohnnyMora: So is Spyro.
sirtmagus: They’re so marginal though.
JohnnyMora: And not connected to the movie we just saw :3
sirtmagus: MK and Tomb Raider are still pretty famous.
JohnnyMora: I guess.
JohnnyMora: But why MK?
JohnnyMora: Why did we all pay attention to that fucking waste of bits and film?
sirtmagus: Hmm. I guess it was breaking taboos.
sirtmagus: Mainly BLOOD IN VIDEO GAMES
sirtmagus: The movies are bloodless! Which always bugged me.
JohnnyMora: Yeahhh… hrmmm…
JohnnyMora: But wasn’t this movie PG-13 anyways?!
JohnnyMora: You can get away with a LOT with a PG-13~
JohnnyMora: Like why didn’t Jade’s breasts flop out?
sirtmagus: Yeah that was a huge mistake.
sirtmagus: No fatalities either.
sirtmagus: Did ANYONE die?
sirtmagus: They disappeared off-frame.
JohnnyMora: There was a fatality.
sirtmagus: I mean
sirtmagus: BONES exploding and shit.
JohnnyMora: No.
JohnnyMora: Jade got eaten…
sirtmagus: I think if they ever reboot this series they should go all-out.
sirtmagus: Get Takeshi Miike or someone to do it.
JohnnyMora: And someone got thrown into a pit of fire.
JohnnyMora: HRM
JohnnyMora: Now let’s not get crazy.
sirtmagus: Yeah.
sirtmagus: He’d have Jade shoot milk everywhere.
JohnnyMora: Do you know what you’re ASKING FOR?
sirtmagus: I know very well in fact. }:3
JohnnyMora: He’d have Liu Kang’s cock ripped out and shaved with a meat slicer into very fine pieces with which he’d place delicately on Liu’s tongue and force him to eat. :((
JohnnyMora: I mean, that stuff’s rancid.
JohnnyMora: I don’t want to give Miike a property to let him fulfill every awful masochistic desire, especially one that so casually co-opts Asian culture.
JohnnyMora: If I was Thailand/China/Japan, I’d be piiiissed.
sirtmagus: That’s an interesting thing
sirtmagus: aside: Miike movies, at least none I’ve seen, are so atrocious as that \:0
JohnnyMora: He’s working himself up to it, I’m sure.
JohnnyMora: He has a schedule worked out where he can maximally disturb us as time goes on.
sirtmagus: but MK does have that whole WESTERN APPROPRIATION OF ORIENTALISM thing going on that’s really… well, sorta racist.
JohnnyMora: And is synonymous of Robin Shou.
JohnnyMora: Remember Beverly Hills Ninja?
sirtmagus: Agh. Slightly.
JohnnyMora: The wacky Chris Farley comedy that forgets that ninjas are deceptive, stealthy assassins?
sirtmagus: If it’s not Tommy Boy then I have no idea.
sirtmagus: God, the 90s were odd.
JohnnyMora: Chris Farley’s last movie was a MATTHEW PERRY team-up.
JohnnyMora: But enough of that.
JohnnyMora: What’s our final decision on Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?

The Final Decision on Mortal Kombat: Annihilation!
sirtmagus: Hmm. It’s such a harmless dumpster of pre-adolescent fantasy (ninjas! dragons! boobs! mud on the boobs!) but it’s not even entertaining enough for kids. Or anybody.
sirtmagus: MK fans can’t even be satisfied because none of the lore or relationships are there.
sirtmagus: Like, SUB-ZERO is the most popular guy right? And he FALLS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.
sirtmagus: What a fuck-up!
JohnnyMora: I agree. It’s like the director had a list of people and trademarks he had to include and then went about making his stupid little ode to Highlander and his friends’ own shitty martial arts pics.
JohnnyMora: The movie can’t even succeed in being so terrible it’s good.
JohnnyMora: Because it’s even just mediocrely bad.
sirtmagus: Embarrassing even.
JohnnyMora: The most fun bad thing in the movie was the awesomely fake explosion that Sonya and Jax jump away from!
sirtmagus: Sub-Sci-Fi Channel. Like those movies don’t have any pretensions of making money. This movie was released on THANKSGIVING of whatever year it was released.
sirtmagus: I remember because I almost saw it. =\
JohnnyMora: I DID see it.
sirtmagus: Then I came to my fucking senses.
JohnnyMora: Eagerly.
JohnnyMora: And even then I think I knew somewhere in my heart that it was stupid.
JohnnyMora: How could you NOT be disappointed, even with the grade school notebook-come-to-life fantasy of it all?
sirtmagus: Oh definitely. This movie, and Batman & Robin, was around the time I realized there were bad things being made and sold to us and there should… I dunno… be a GROUP of PEOPLE to warn us about them!
JohnnyMora: I seriously think this might be the movie I’m most ashamed to have seen in theaters.
sirtmagus: Really.
sirtmagus: That would be Spice World for me.
JohnnyMora: Worse than Batman & Robin.
JohnnyMora: oh
JohnnyMora: man
JohnnyMora: you had to bring up Spice World.
JohnnyMora: Yeah, I saw that, too.
JohnnyMora: But that was way more fun than this.
JohnnyMora: At least the Spice Girls knew they were retarded and reveled in it.
sirtmagus: I only remember Roger Moore doing a little dance at the end. I think I had chewed my ankles off by then.
JohnnyMora: This movie attempted to put in FRATERNAL ANGST.
sirtmagus: Yeah, they didn’t even USE the games’ story.
sirtmagus: They made their OWN.
JohnnyMora: Their own gay one.
sirtmagus: And it was WORSE!
sirtmagus: How could that HAPPEN?
JohnnyMora: These people were hacks on every level.
sirtmagus: Which is astounding
sirtmagus: coming after Paul Anderson.
JohnnyMora: Like, this movie simultaneously seemed so difficult and so lazy.
sirtmagus: It’s obvious studio puke.
sirtmagus: So I guess that doesn’t make it harmless.
JohnnyMora: No, this is precisely the movie we are against! To hell with thee, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation!


Writing a Blog for a Year
JohnnyMora: Speaking of which, we’ve had a WHOLE YEAR of using the blog to crusade against shit!
JohnnyMora: What do you have to say for yourself?!
sirtmagus: :3
sirtmagus: Well, it keeps my obsessions in check.
JohnnyMora: Does it now?
sirtmagus: I have about a dozen grumps to catch up on, and because of this blog I’m probably seeing way more movies than is probably healthy.
sirtmagus: But it’s great.
sirtmagus: I feel like
sirtmagus: the MOVIE GUY.
JohnnyMora: :DD
JohnnyMora: I feel a little bit unproductive, lately.
JohnnyMora: At least comparatively.
JohnnyMora: I need to find something juicy to latch onto and do a grump on.
sirtmagus: Well it helps if you’re jobless.
JohnnyMora: Well, yes.
sirtmagus: Or a life-long college student.
JohnnyMora: But you have schoool.
JohnnyMora: I miss being able to crank out an article every few days like back when I was jobless and depressed.
sirtmagus: We’ve switched roles! :D-D
sirtmagus: :(-(
JohnnyMora: I really wish a more regular schedule could be accomplished so people would feel more compelled to visit often.
JohnnyMora: Or would that even work?
sirtmagus: If this was OUR ONLY JOB, perhaps.
sirtmagus: And I’d love it.
JohnnyMora: Man. I don’t know how other people make this shit profitable.
JohnnyMora: Because I WOULD drop everything else in a second if THIS was my job. I love it, too :3
JohnnyMora: Somehow, it just feels better to shout my elitist opinions at people from a blog. |:3
sirtmagus: Yeah. Recently I’ve begun to fret if Shia found this.
sirtmagus: I’d have to take him out to Nobu or something.
JohnnyMora: If Shia found this he’d pout and that’s IT.
JohnnyMora: But hey, I’d love it if Bai Ling saw what I typed about her and CRIED.
sirtmagus: She’s fly to our homes.
sirtmagus: And state her case personally…
sirtmagus: :(-(
sirtmagus: I also have a ways to go with my writing, I believe. I think I fell into a formula.
JohnnyMora: I don’t know if I’m too proper or too casual.
JohnnyMora: Like, there are articles like FFXII where I almost sound like I’m writing a doctoral thesis and then there’s articles like 28 Weeks Later where I’m nothing but seething RAGE.


Favorite and Least Favorite Grumps
JohnnyMora: What’s your favorite and least favorite articles you’ve written?
sirtmagus: hmm.
sirtmagus: I really, really like my Patlabor 2 one.
JohnnyMora: I agree. And it’s a shame, like, no one read it.
JohnnyMora: OR your fabulous SAC grump.
sirtmagus: I sometimes think I went overboard with that, but then I look at it again, and go “Nah, I didn’t go overboard enough.”
sirtmagus: That’s something I could write a book on.
JohnnyMora: And people fucking have.
JohnnyMora: I personally love my FFXII review. I think it, above all other grumps I’ve written, comes closest to getting across how I really feel about the game, along with some good reasoning on why I think the game deserves more credit than it’s given.
sirtmagus: Agreed. When I have trouble convincing anyone of that game’s greatness I point them in the direction of your review.
sirtmagus: I think only you and Jeremy Parish, of all the Internet and print reviews i’ve seen, have captured exactly why that game works so well.
sirtmagus: And on that note
JohnnyMora: I also have a secret love for my Hulk article. {:3
sirtmagus: your Hulk review/analysis has got to one of the — well, yes. |:3
JohnnyMora: For my least favorite, I don’t really like my Pathfinder one.
JohnnyMora: I frequently forget I even WROTE it.
JohnnyMora: But I had to get that off my chest.
sirtmagus: If you didn’t I would have.
sirtmagus: I’m kind glad you took the burden. {:3
JohnnyMora: And I’m so jealous you got to do Funny Games, you bastard.
sirtmagus: Hey, I skipped class to see that one. I couldn’t wait.
sirtmagus: I’m sorry I cheated.
JohnnyMora: {:3

The Final Word: Writing as a Learning Process, Douchebaggery, Looking to the Future
JohnnyMora: So what have you learned, either about grumping or about watching movies, since this little endeavor began?
sirtmagus: Hey, I didn’t say what article of mine I dislike.
sirtmagus: And that’s a toss-up between Ratatouille, Superbad and the latest one for American Gangster.
sirtmagus: Mainly I worry I missed the mark in some way.
JohnnyMora: {:c
JohnnyMora: ok, now answer the other :3
sirtmagus: That ties into my answer actually. Writing’s tough. Getting my thoughts down clearly and succinctly, so they can be read and understood, I think that’s really difficult.
sirtmagus: Like “Am I making ANY sense here?”
sirtmagus: Plus I’ll make all these references to other things – I’m a big fan of intertextuality, relating things to everything else – and I’ll wonder “God, I’m being such an academic douche.”
sirtmagus: Like “Fuck this guy, Mr. Smartypants.”
sirtmagus: and they’ll click away and read IGN reviews.
JohnnyMora: I agree.
JohnnyMora: Sometimes I wanna whip out a reference and then ask myself, “is that a douche move?”
JohnnyMora: But maybe we shouldn’t worry about that and hope that our readership can rise to the level of intellectualism that we expect from them. :))
sirtmagus: I think I link to that Crispin Freeman discussion in one of my Hellsing reviews.
sirtmagus: He’s a peach, that one.
JohnnyMora: So, think this crazy blog thing can work?
JohnnyMora: IS working?
sirtmagus: I like to think so.
sirtmagus: I’m really REALLY looking forward to this summer’s crop. }:3
JohnnyMora: Oh, definitely.
JohnnyMora: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, all the way.
Advertisements

14 Responses to “One Year Grumpiversary”

  1. Owen S Says:

    Happy One Year Anniversary! Here’s to many more years of Grumps.

  2. Ryu Says:

    Gratuitous!

  3. Porkchop Says:

    Congrats on one year of super grumpiness and cuteness guys!

  4. Rick Says:

    That was hilarious.

  5. John Mora Says:

    I’m glad you enjoyyyyyyed~!

    I was afraid it would just be a tl;dr thing.

  6. KJ Says:

    That was great. I didn’t even have to watch the movie to enjoy it.
    I love chat logs. Maybe that why I wrote all of my old fanfics that way.

  7. Loki Says:

    All the pictures are broken…

  8. John Mora Says:

    Those aren’t pictures, they’re Magus’ whack AIM emoticons.

  9. Rick Says:

    So I just read it AGAIN. Because it’s that great.

    To point out something I felt was especially worth mentioning, I love all the references to other shit that you guys make. It’s astounding how often I have to jump ship and IMDb a name or movie just to figure out what you’re talking about, but just as often I find an excellent reference, like Tales From the Hood in Magus’ American Gangster Grump, that I feel the exact same way about that it all works out nicely. Don’t stop the references, preez. {{=3

    And the other thing I wanted to mention is that I really love reading these Grumps now. Even the ones I don’t comment on, rest assured I have read them. You guys just need to get some Google ads going or some such nonsense. Spread the word, as it were.

  10. Sean/Shard Says:

    Generally I don’t comment because I don’t feel I have much to add here, but I read everything you guys produce (and the Walrus’ stuff too).

    Like BRC, I enjoy the references. It feels a little bit like MST3K. I tend to enjoy Mora’s writing most when he’s trading heavily on his personality, like his St. Louis filmfest diary entry, not that the analytical stuff is bad. I think there’s less variance in Magus’ approach, but it’s always rewarding.

    I’m hoping for another installment of the Up, up, and up my butt Grump, considering how heavy this summer’s slate is: Hulk, Iron Man, Batman… Hancock?

  11. John Mora Says:

    I feel obliged to do one on the new Hulk. A spiteful, bitter one. But I also have the entire friggin’ Superman series as well. I’m just sort of holding off to do those since the X-Men one got a lukewarm reception (even though, for the record, it’s gotten the most views of any article on the blog by a large margin). Still searching for the best way to approach them. Think I’m gonna try doing each movie individually.

  12. Marc M Says:

    I watched and read at the same time.
    It was fun!

  13. riotsword Says:

    I lol’d many, many times throughout the reading of this. Hopefully you guys can do this more often, and if not, I wouldn’t at all be opposed to keeping it to just a yearly Mystery Science Grump (futuristic-sounding number).

    Anyway, Happy Birthday, Grump Factory!

  14. Crank 2: Electric Boogaloo « Grump Factory Says:

    […] we like to think ourselves above certain things. Like incredibly retarded movies. I mean, look at Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. It’s not worth anything more than a derisive laugh. But that’s mostly because […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: