One Year Grumpiversary

In honor of their first year online Tim and John watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation with running commentary:

sirtmagus: ok stinkfist

sirtmagus: I’m READY when you are

JohnnyMora: now i’m not ready

JohnnyMora: JUST KIDDING

sirtmagus: \:[

JohnnyMora: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULdxUiD-x_M

JohnnyMora: gooooo

sirtmagus: LOADING

sirtmagus: LOOOOOOOOOOOOAD

JohnnyMora: I’m 9 seconds in

sirtmagus: OK ME TOO

sirtmagus: GO GO GO

JohnnyMora: This fucking techno song

sirtmagus: Fuck yooou, New Line.

JohnnyMora: It’s like the generic techno song

JohnnyMora: How did MK get this song?

sirtmagus: It is. It IS the techno song.

sirtmagus: *THE techno song.

JohnnyMora: Is it originally theirs? Did they adapt it? The world may never care.

JohnnyMora: OH WHOA THAT TITLE

JohnnyMora: IS IN MY FACE

sirtmagus: oh wow

JohnnyMora: Like this movie respects Buddhism in the least.

sirtmagus: What a cheap recap.

JohnnyMora: What a cheap recap of a cheap movie.

JohnnyMora: BOOMING VOICEOVER

JohnnyMora: OF WHOEVER

JohnnyMora: Oh god.

JohnnyMora: These effects. Were we ever impressed?

sirtmagus: In 1995 I might have been. A tiny bit. But that was the first movie.

sirtmagus: I knew this was crap when I first rented it.

JohnnyMora: Here’s a bit of embarrassing trivia.

JohnnyMora: I willin–oh god

sirtmagus: WHOA ERMAC

JohnnyMora: Motaro just derailed my train of thought.

JohnnyMora: GO AWAY NEW RAIDEN

sirtmagus: Well that’s obviously not Christopher Lambert.

sirtmagus: You know you’re in trouble when RUSSEL NASH says no to your movie.

JohnnyMora: This guy playing Shao Khan never acted before. Ever. In any way.

JohnnyMora: He is the most truthful person ever.

JohnnyMora: And Robin Shou can barely speak English.

sirtmagus: No, dude, he totally did. he was the alien assassin in X-Files.

JohnnyMora: was he?

sirtmagus: Pretty sure.

JohnnyMora: Then why can’t he ACT

sirtmagus: He was a silent alien killer! He was like poor man’s Terminator.

sirtmagus: LOL

sirtmagus: His VOICE!

JohnnyMora: He’s the most petulant dictator ever

sirtmagus: AS LONG AS YOUR PORTAL REMAINS OPEN — so suggestive.

JohnnyMora: His voice almost CRACKS

sirtmagus: Seriously.

JohnnyMora: such flabby pecs

sirtmagus: I like how they just leap into each other.

JohnnyMora: and awful dubbed in sound effects from the game

JohnnyMora: Is Uwe Boll REALLY worse than this?

JohnnyMora: OH NO

JohnnyMora: THE FEET

sirtmagus: I’m almost curious enough to find out if he is.

JohnnyMora: Why is a tough federal agent or whatever a BLONDE MODEL

JohnnyMora: oh noooo

JohnnyMora: Johnny Cage

sirtmagus: Is Robin Shou the ONLY one from the last movie??

JohnnyMora: We cared about youuuuu

JohnnyMora: Johnny’s returning. I think.

JohnnyMora: And Kitana.

sirtmagus: hey

sirtmagus: I think raiden was in BSG.

JohnnyMora: As who?

sirtmagus: He was Tom Zarek’s crony.

sirtmagus: On Kobol.

JohnnyMora: :s

sirtmagus: {:3

sirtmagus: IT HAS BEGUN!!

JohnnyMora: Sheeva, why is that such a cool prospect, bowing down to Shao Khan?

JohnnyMora: It just means more competition to blow him.

JohnnyMora: THIS PLOT IS BARRELLING FORWARD

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: did

sirtmagus: This movie doesn’t skip a beat!

JohnnyMora: someone just yell lalilulelo?

sirtmagus: I thought it was “Annihiliate ’em!”

JohnnyMora: Why do these ninjas keep PAUSING.

JohnnyMora: And maybe it was.

JohnnyMora: But Shao Khan has mushmouth

JohnnyMora: OH HERE COMES A DRASTIC SHIFT IN TONE

sirtmagus: True. They should’ve cast Frank Langella. That guy annunciates the shit out of words.

JohnnyMora: I like how this movie world has a bunch of fake rules that everyone angsts over.

JohnnyMora: Rules that can and do change all the time.

sirtmagus: Constantly.

JohnnyMora: JUST THOUGHT I’D SHOOT LIGHTNING AT THAT DOUCHE OF A WALL

sirtmagus: What a mistake replacing Christopher Lambert, man.

JohnnyMora: Yup

sirtmagus: His voice is the best.

JohnnyMora: But he could smell a total stinker.

JohnnyMora: And quit trying to show emotion, Sonya.

JohnnyMora: INNER WINDS

sirtmagus: “The inner winds propel you?”

JohnnyMora: WILL COME

JohnnyMora: FROM MY BUTT

…

PART 2

…

sirtmagus: PART 2 GO

sirtmagus: “You did great last time, Liu.”

JohnnyMora: YOU DID GRATE LAST TYM LOU

JohnnyMora: This is such a gay means of transportation.

sirtmagus: what the hell is this

sirtmagus: this is like Dr. Evil’s escape pod.

JohnnyMora: It’s like that part from FFIX.

JohnnyMora: Where you rode ants.

JohnnyMora: Or something.

JohnnyMora: through tunnels

sirtmagus: It’s FF9 so I don’t remember that at all.

JohnnyMora: THIS SPHERE RUNS ON SEXUAL CONTACT

JohnnyMora: QUICK, RUB UP AGAINST ME

sirtmagus: Oh wow

sirtmagus: PURPLE

JohnnyMora: That’s what Outworld or whatever exports.

JohnnyMora: Purple

JohnnyMora: And lightning.

JohnnyMora: Is this…

JohnnyMora: Shao Khan?

sirtmagus: I think Peter Jackson aped this “zoom through entire country until you get to the villain’s room” thing for Lord of the Rings.

JohnnyMora: Right.

JohnnyMora: This was the innovator of that.

sirtmagus: Absolutely. It. Is. GLORIOUS!!!

JohnnyMora: WHO IS THIS DOUCHE

sirtmagus: Shao Khan’s mother?

JohnnyMora: His awful, bearded mother.

sirtmagus: Khan should never be allowed to take off his skull mask.

JohnnyMora: They needed Udo Kier for this role.

JohnnyMora: And I agree.

sirtmagus: oh DEFINITELY.

sirtmagus: Udo Kier improves anything.

JohnnyMora: Or change out of his awful gay barbarian costume.

sirtmagus: I wanna find that car commercial he was in.

JohnnyMora: noooo

JohnnyMora: :(

sirtmagus: “He iz… a MASTER of DISGUISE.”

JohnnyMora: quiet moments

JohnnyMora: of character development

JohnnyMora: WASTED

JohnnyMora: On this movie

sirtmagus: I dunno if this means anything

sirtmagus: but Robin Shou was way way better in the first movie.

sirtmagus: This is just ghastly.

JohnnyMora: Well I’m sure he’ll be lots better in the new Chun Li movie.

sirtmagus: HEY SMOKE

sirtmagus: NEAT

JohnnyMora: Playing a ninety million year old man.

JohnnyMora: IS IT?

JohnnyMora: Or is it just generic black mecha-ninja?

JohnnyMora: Smoke was tons better as a secret character in MK2, anyways.

sirtmagus: Yeah. Let’s have no explanation for this android/cyborg/robot. Good idea, movie.

JohnnyMora: WHY IS KITANA FIGHTING WITH SWORDS

JohnnyMora: oh :3

JohnnyMora: I never understood why robots needed dreadlocks.

JohnnyMora: THE BEST WAY TO DODGE A MISSILE IS A BACKFLIP

JohnnyMora: Instead of going like an inch to the right or left.

JohnnyMora: Whoa, Sub Zero in perhaps the silliest entrance ever.

sirtmagus: Uncanny.

JohnnyMora: And he looks sickly thin in that outfit.

sirtmagus: Oh, you’re Sub-Zero’s brother?! Okay.

sirtmagus: What a CARTOON.

JohnnyMora: Well, that’s how the game did it, too.

JohnnyMora: So.

JohnnyMora: Exactly what are they searching for?

sirtmagus: um. Wolf guy.

sirtmagus: The reason why is hilarious and awdul.

JohnnyMora: Is that a portmanteau of awful and dull?

JohnnyMora: GOD

JohnnyMora: THIS DUMB SCORPION VOICE

JohnnyMora: It’s just the sound from the game.

sirtmagus: Scorpion’s back and he’s got two whip-snake things cuz it’s the SEQUEL.

JohnnyMora: This set is the cheapest thing ever.

JohnnyMora: Ice that in no way resembles ice.

JohnnyMora: That’s how COLD it is.

sirtmagus: It looks like Sci-Fi Channel stuff like Warbirds or Mansquito vs. Alligator.

JohnnyMora: This is also the dullest martial arts.

JohnnyMora: Everyone politely waits to be beaten up.

sirtmagus: And these fight scenes could not be — yeah, exactly. How about some… excitement?

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: Why did Scorpion melt?

JohnnyMora: When did Scorpion ever say SUCKERSSSSSS?

sirtmagus: I guess that’s how he teleports.

…

PART 3

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 3

sirtmagus: ooh, low volume.

JohnnyMora: yeah

JohnnyMora: i’m not certain this wasn’t a part of the awful production, either.

JohnnyMora: Is it like Los Angeles everywhere?

sirtmagus: Very possible. I’m curious how many parking lots and basements this was filmed in.

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: what the fucking hell

JohnnyMora: How did she get to Jax?

sirtmagus: HAHA

sirtmagus: What a great intro for a character.

sirtmagus: Run in, find him on a table, wake him up.

sirtmagus: And he has metal arms. Okay!

JohnnyMora: That wasn’t an introduction.

JohnnyMora: But no one ever liked Jax, anyways.

JohnnyMora: OH WOW

JohnnyMora: Who would’ve thought. Use your giant metal muscle arms to free yourself.

JohnnyMora: Our best and brightest.

sirtmagus: I remember he had a cheap leg sweep. But that could be ANYBODY IN THOSE GAMES.

JohnnyMora: UPPERCUT

sirtmagus: High school jokes! The first movie had one too.

JohnnyMora: [flies 20 feet in the air]

JohnnyMora: What…

JohnnyMora: IS this?

JohnnyMora: Cyrax or whoever?

sirtmagus: Cyrax shot out those lightsaber training things.

JohnnyMora: I haven’t played a MK game in about ten years.

sirtmagus: I was knee-deep in MK lore for a while.

sirtmagus: “I’ll take homeboy!”

sirtmagus: It’s amusing how this was in movie theaters.

sirtmagus: That guy only had like four bones in his whole skeleton!

sirtmagus: “Let’s do dis.” Jax has all the necessary black-isms to be a black character.

JohnnyMora: Really?

sirtmagus: “YEAH. NOW WHAT.”

JohnnyMora: I thought they’d been conservative with him.

JohnnyMora: He’s certainly no Cole Train.

sirtmagus: The camera all zoomed in.

sirtmagus: oh god, who IS?

JohnnyMora: what

JohnnyMora: was

JohnnyMora: that

JohnnyMora: that shot out of cyrax?

JohnnyMora: CGI dust?

sirtmagus: Lint.

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: OF COURSE

JohnnyMora: AWKWARDLY INTRODUCE SONYA’S FATALITY

sirtmagus: Cyrax was easily defeated. A wall? And sand?

sirtmagus: Oh, I didn’t even make that connection.

sirtmagus: HUH

sirtmagus: That’s one advanced tattoo!

JohnnyMora: But I also want to know–HOLY GOD

JohnnyMora: FAKE EXPLOSION

sirtmagus: LOL

sirtmagus: YEAH

sirtmagus: Must’ve been fun to film.

JohnnyMora: Jesus Christ, these villain scenes are the highlight so far.

JohnnyMora: And…

JohnnyMora: that’s sad, because they’re pathetic.

sirtmagus: It’s such a cartoon conceit.

JohnnyMora: WHY ISN’T SHAO KHAN IN COSTUME

sirtmagus: The arguing henchmen.

sirtmagus: Might as well have King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard in there.

JohnnyMora: I hate arguing henchman scenes.

JohnnyMora: But these sorts of movies wouldn’t have any entertainment without them.

JohnnyMora: but man

JohnnyMora: who wouldn’t want eggplant wizard in this movie

sirtmagus: Lt. Gaeta.

JohnnyMora: How do these people hunt SOULS?

JohnnyMora: And what awful acting

JohnnyMora: not even hammy

JohnnyMora: flatter than milla jovovich’s chest

…

PART 4

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 4

JohnnyMora: YOU’RE MY QUEEN, SINDEL

JohnnyMora: YOU ARE PRETTY AND ONLY HAVE 2 ARMS

JohnnyMora: Thing is, this movie even fails at capturing how goofy and awful the game’s story REALLY is.

JohnnyMora: And I had a friend that had a ridiculous 400+ page novelization of the games with Kung Lao as the protagonist.

sirtmagus: :[

sirtmagus: i HAD THAT

JohnnyMora: GUITAR

JohnnyMora: WOLF

JohnnyMora: Did you REALLY have that?!

sirtmagus: yup.

JohnnyMora: IT’S MY ANIMALITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

sirtmagus: it was gory, man.

sirtmagus: Not for kids.

JohnnyMora: This guy’s outfit has no reason to exist

sirtmagus: And it really made Scorpion sympathetic. =(

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: :|

JohnnyMora: Don’t be too sad.

JohnnyMora: I willingly wrote a review of this for our school paper and gave it a decent review.

sirtmagus: THIS movie?

JohnnyMora: I was also like 12.

sirtmagus: That’s forgivable.

sirtmagus: Kids are DUMB.

JohnnyMora: This franchise’s target audience.

JohnnyMora: The dumb.

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: YOUR BROTHER’S SOUL IS MIIIIIINE

JohnnyMora: I miss him. :(

sirtmagus: Shang?

JohnnyMora: WHY DOESN’T SHAO WANT HIS SKULL HELMET

JohnnyMora: and quit saying animality, movie!

JohnnyMora: It’s a dumb word.

JohnnyMora: BABALITY

JohnnyMora: Oh dear

JohnnyMora: who’s this?

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: Poor man’s Bai Ling?

sirtmagus: oh god.

JohnnyMora: Awful stereotyped Asian sex machine.

sirtmagus: They did ANYTHING to fit in every stupid character.

JohnnyMora: Honestly.

sirtmagus: They were just palette-swapped copies!!

JohnnyMora: There’s TOO MUCH fanservice.

JohnnyMora: The same could be said of the games, too.

JohnnyMora: People got SERIOUS about this shit.

sirtmagus: Absolutely. STRYKER?

sirtmagus: What a SHITHEAD.

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: I liked playing as him.

JohnnyMora: And I remember when Jade in UMK3 was a big deal.

sirtmagus: Howso?

JohnnyMora: She got a new costume and moves and everything!

JohnnyMora: and I was 12

sirtmagus: Ah, right.

sirtmagus: What a dumb time. To be alive.

sirtmagus: Or GREAT TIME.

sirtmagus: I CANT’ DECIDE!!

JohnnyMora: man

sirtmagus: she even looks like a cat.

JohnnyMora: I remember when getting MK Trilogy on N64, like, COMPLETED MY LIIIFE

sirtmagus: Like those cat clocks. With the moving eyes.

JohnnyMora: I was about to say.

JohnnyMora: She looks odd.

sirtmagus: Talk about your TIGER LADY.

JohnnyMora: Like Toon Link.

sirtmagus: I guess she’s hot.

sirtmagus: WHAT DO I KNOW

JohnnyMora: Hotter than Bai Ling.

JohnnyMora: TAKE THAT, BAI LING

sirtmagus: I hope she comments on this.

JohnnyMora: Please accept this awful pottery, Kitana.

JohnnyMora: How can she NOT comment?

JohnnyMora: She’s a total fame whore.

JohnnyMora: If we threw our own film festival, she’d somehow show up.

sirtmagus: And falls out of her computer chair triumphantly, and a camera crew walks by and sees her upskirt and she starts spasming voluptuously.

sirtmagus: squirming everywhere

JohnnyMora: …WHAT?!

sirtmagus: suddenly she’s covered in egg yolk.

JohnnyMora: }:3

…

PART 5

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 5

JohnnyMora: A STRUGGLING WYRMMM ON A HOOOK

JohnnyMora: Whatever, Shao Khan.

JohnnyMora: Where is Sonya GOING?

JohnnyMora: She has, like, no purpose.

sirtmagus: Kitana so could’ve been Tia Carrere.

JohnnyMora: I was about to say.

JohnnyMora: Why ISN’T she?

JohnnyMora: I never even had a chance to cast her.

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: }:3

sirtmagus: That would’ve been great. She would’ve been on the soundtrack too.

JohnnyMora: I’MA SPIT

JohnnyMora: Jax, enunciate!

sirtmagus: god, you don’t want Jax to spit.

JohnnyMora: His arms are awful.

JohnnyMora: HOW DID HE HOPE TO FUNCTION IN LIFE?

JohnnyMora: This is, like, the same ravine they filmed every awful 50s sci-fi movie in.

sirtmagus: jax just went insane.

sirtmagus: Star Trek episodes.

JohnnyMora: KNIIIIIVES

sirtmagus: heh. they let Sam Raimi film that shot.

JohnnyMora: lol

JohnnyMora: that rock was so FOAM

JohnnyMora: AHHHH MY HAIR

JohnnyMora: THE WORST PAIN EVERRRRRRRR

JohnnyMora: This is the biggest horny teen bait ever.

sirtmagus: this is… Mileena?

JohnnyMora: “SO THESE TWO HOT GIRLS FIGHT, RIGHT? BUT GET THIS: THEY’RE IN MUD! AWESOME, RIGHT?!?!?”

JohnnyMora: …whoa

JohnnyMora: dragon tattoo

JohnnyMora: for no reason

JohnnyMora: came alive.

JohnnyMora: Jax is the worst black role model ever.

JohnnyMora: Ugh… I gotta go find a river

sirtmagus: He punched that thing in the BUTT.

JohnnyMora: [A MILLION NINJAS SHOW UP]

JohnnyMora: God, I don’t care about Raiden’s spiritual journey.

sirtmagus: I wish wish wish wish this was the Highlander. :(

JohnnyMora: Highlander THE ANIME?

sirtmagus: UGH

sirtmagus: Which is WORSE

sirtmagus: This or THAT?

JohnnyMora: TALKING SPOUT OF WATER

JohnnyMora: um

JohnnyMora: this

JohnnyMora: This isn’t even pretty.

sirtmagus: I guess. Which is more boring?

JohnnyMora: This.

sirtmagus: …yeah, he’s talking to water.

JohnnyMora: This isn’t even animated.

sirtmagus: This sort of looks like a Queen video.

sirtmagus: All those candles.

JohnnyMora: gonna cause a fire |:\

sirtmagus: Queen would’ve liked Mortal Kombat.

JohnnyMora: Jeez.

JohnnyMora: Jade’s costume is so damn cheap.

JohnnyMora: With nipple cozies.

sirtmagus: Liu Kang asks “Is that Jax?” but he has no way of knowing who Jax is.

JohnnyMora: I was about to say.

JohnnyMora: Did they talk about him?

JohnnyMora: On some cold, lonely night?

sirtmagus: In the first flick? Not at all. He was in the first scene with Sonya and then not.

JohnnyMora: So Shao Khan is just riding around California on a horse?

JohnnyMora: Not a great plan for world domination.

sirtmagus: I can’t believe I’m praising the first movie for its structure and writing.

JohnnyMora: “NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!!”

JohnnyMora: And yeah, I was about to say that I didn’t want to praise Paul What Script? Anderson.

sirtmagus: It’s most likely his best movie. :s

JohnnyMora: Raiden’s character is so all over the place.

sirtmagus: I think it’s because he’s HUMAN now or whatever.

sirtmagus: He’s the Data of the MK universe.

JohnnyMora: :s

sirtmagus: The moronic, sleeveless Data.

JohnnyMora: not the ROBOTS?

…

PART 6

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 6

JohnnyMora: that are actually ROBOTS?

sirtmagus: They HAVE no personality.

JohnnyMora: PUT

sirtmagus: HA! This soundtrack.

JohnnyMora: ON

JohnnyMora: YOUR

JohnnyMora: FUCKING

JohnnyMora: SKULL

sirtmagus: I’m missing the techno.

JohnnyMora: MASK

JohnnyMora: And no, I think this Shao Khan actor was on Buffy and Angel.

JohnnyMora: He was bad there, too.

JohnnyMora: HAHAHAHAEVILLAUGHINGAHAHAHAHAHAHA

sirtmagus: The no-skull-mask thing makes me think of today’s superhero movies. There’s some reason their masks fall off.

sirtmagus: Like Topher in Spidey 3.

JohnnyMora: He keeps his on a lot, considering, though.

sirtmagus: i figure it’s so the actor gets his stupid face onscreen.

JohnnyMora: I like how according to this movie nowhere besides California exists.

JohnnyMora: Stop having to prove you’re black, Jax.

sirtmagus: “It’s like a nightmare or somethin’ man!” and all they show is some wrecked car. Keep Jax away from a junk yard or he’ll break down.

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: who the fuck is this douche Shao Khan is whining to?!

JohnnyMora: oh

JohnnyMora: his father

JohnnyMora: So his FATHER is actually the one ruling everything?!

sirtmagus: He did NOT have a father in the games did he?!

JohnnyMora: I didn’t play after 3

JohnnyMora: So I have no idea.

sirtmagus: I think there were ONLY 3 when this came out.

JohnnyMora: When they introduced Shinnok and had MK Mythologies or whatever.

sirtmagus: oh yeah. I missed out on those.

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: WHAT IS THIS ATTEMPT AT A SOUNDTRACK?

JohnnyMora: Just brief, annoying 5 second bursts of noise.

sirtmagus: Spectacular visual effects!

JohnnyMora: LOL

sirtmagus: Blurry things!

JohnnyMora: HIDING BEHIND COLUMNS

sirtmagus: haha, aw, they squeak too.

JohnnyMora: Like Yoshi! :3

sirtmagus: I imagine they’d be less annoying than Yoshi in a brawl. >:\

JohnnyMora: This guy can fight, though.

sirtmagus: This uh

sirtmagus: psuedo-Scorpion guy?

JohnnyMora: no

JohnnyMora: Raiden

sirtmagus: Hey, here’s a hard question: Where’s Sub-Zero?

JohnnyMora: WHY DIDNT THEY SHOW THEM FIGHTING SINDEL?

JohnnyMora: um

sirtmagus: :3

JohnnyMora: Do you really miss him?

sirtmagus: I mean, he just DROPPED OUT OF THE MOVIE.

sirtmagus: This movie can’t keep track of its MYRIAD of characters!

sirtmagus: You know what that’s like?

sirtmagus: X-MEN 3.

JohnnyMora: …

JohnnyMora: why is Shao Khan’s FATHER letting him do everything? Is it, like, a teenager having his driver’s license test?

sirtmagus: Must be an Outworld cultural thing.

JohnnyMora: If he can successfully invade another realm, he gets to have the keys to the Porsche?

sirtmagus: The Porsche has a big skull on the hood.

JohnnyMora: OH HI KITANA

JohnnyMora: DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT YOU

JohnnyMora: And the porsche is purple

sirtmagus: Shao Khan and Dr. Wily trade decorating tips.

JohnnyMora: it’s a trap, louuu

sirtmagus: She sounds so concerned.

JohnnyMora: or not

JohnnyMora: OH GOD

JohnnyMora: BARAKA

JohnnyMora: NO

sirtmagus: UGH

sirtmagus: another awful MK character.

JohnnyMora: OM NOM NOM NOM

JohnnyMora: Baraka was neat in MK Trilogy, thought. {:3

JohnnyMora: er

sirtmagus: Was he!?

JohnnyMora: though

JohnnyMora: {{{:3

JohnnyMora: Spinning blade attack!

JohnnyMora: I…

JohnnyMora: thought it was so cool when I was 12 :|

sirtmagus: SPINNING BIRD KICK

sirtmagus: Swinging fight. Star Wars Episode 3 rips this off.

…

PART 7

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 7

JohnnyMora: right

JohnnyMora: cuz George Lucas saw this

sirtmagus: This movie. Was SO influential.

JohnnyMora: and was like, “man, Episode I has to beat THIS movie!”

JohnnyMora: At least they impressively gave Sheeva four arms.

sirtmagus: Whoa, was Baraka covered in oily rags?

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: BYE SHEEVA

sirtmagus: HA! What an easy way to deal with the technical nightmare that is a 4-armed fight scene.

JohnnyMora: i kinda feel respect

sirtmagus: I kind of do too, oddly.

JohnnyMora: They also avoided Sindel’s yelling and hair CG fight.

sirtmagus: Oh, that’s right! I imagine the writer was really happy with that.

sirtmagus: “LOVE? I HAVE NEVER LOVED YOU.”

JohnnyMora: Oh… but it CAN!!!

sirtmagus: All my dates end up like this. :(

JohnnyMora: oh wow japanese cat lady was evil who knew

JohnnyMora: “It was sooooooooooOOOOOOOOO easyyyy… >:3”

sirtmagus: whoa

JohnnyMora: WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS SCENE

sirtmagus: um

sirtmagus: She just DIED?

sirtmagus: She didn’t really come out on top, did she?!

JohnnyMora: who

sirtmagus: Sindel.

sirtmagus: Those rave lights got to her.

JohnnyMora: What about Jade?

sirtmagus: She went EXIT STAGE LEFT EVEN

sirtmagus: Rayden, someone took your sleeves, man.

JohnnyMora: outworld to mergatroid!

JohnnyMora: OH NO

JohnnyMora: RAIDEN MIGHT BE A TRAITOR BUT NO ONE REALLY CARES

sirtmagus: Bloodline? I thought Rayden’s a GOD?

JohnnyMora: blood…

JohnnyMora: of…

JohnnyMora: gods…

JohnnyMora: WHERE DID YOU THINK HE CAME FROM, SONYA?

sirtmagus: BROTHERRRRRS

JohnnyMora: …Wait, they made Raiden and Shao Khan brothers? So gay.

JohnnyMora: So Shao Khan’s a god, too?

sirtmagus: I … guess?

sirtmagus: Maybe he’s a halfling.

JohnnyMora: “you… YOU’RE ALREADY DEADDDDD”

sirtmagus: Which would explain why he’s so annoying.

JohnnyMora: That’ll put someone in her place.

JohnnyMora: burping CG monsters.

JohnnyMora: What a delightful movie.

sirtmagus: Oh man. When Shao Khan’s dad saw the walls ate people he knew he had to buy that place.

JohnnyMora: lol

sirtmagus: “Now your failure will be my opportunity.” Hm. Awkward!

JohnnyMora: Man, Raiden’s a pussy. After all this, he can’t kill his brother?!

JohnnyMora: “I’ll pray for you all.”

JohnnyMora: Gee, thanks.

sirtmagus: He’s a bastard.

JohnnyMora: Gonna pray to your DAD?

sirtmagus: The ninja’s are running through downtown L.A.

JohnnyMora: I like how they have to show us landmarks to tell us the worlds are merging.

JohnnyMora: You don’t just see nondescript suburbs.

sirtmagus: lol

sirtmagus: “Huh. Some houses.”

JohnnyMora: The wind LOVES Liu’s hair.

sirtmagus: I love Liu’s hair.

sirtmagus: I AM THE WIND

JohnnyMora: Also sung by Tia Carrere

sirtmagus: !!

…

PART 8

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 8

JohnnyMora: No, not really :3

JohnnyMora: I like how the villains had time to pose on a building.

JohnnyMora: Finally, Khan put the skull mask back on.

sirtmagus: Only 80 minutes in.

sirtmagus: Shao Khan and his dad are the same age.

JohnnyMora: “IT’S NOT WEAK TO VALUE LIFE, DAAAAD”

JohnnyMora: Well, they’re ageless gods.

sirtmagus: Ah.

sirtmagus: This is almost Shakespearean wouldn’t you say?

JohnnyMora: DON’T TAKE THAT MASK OFF

JohnnyMora: DAMMIT

JohnnyMora: It’s pathetically trying to be, that’s for sure.

sirtmagus: “YOU SHOULD’VE KILLED ME WHILE YOU HAD THE CHAAAANCE” – X-Men 2 steals this. This movie. Was AHEAD OF TIME.

JohnnyMora: Keep saying “BROTHER” meaningfully a few more times. That Oscar might be yours.

sirtmagus: I’m gonna try and do that with my brothers.

JohnnyMora: god

sirtmagus: I’ll eat the last cookie

JohnnyMora: I hate this Raiden’s teeth.

sirtmagus: and be like “you were too late. BROTHER.”

sirtmagus: And cackle maniacally atop a derelict tower.

sirtmagus: With lightning and ghosts.

JohnnyMora: Do it.

JohnnyMora: lol

sirtmagus: “MR. ED IS MINE.”

JohnnyMora: They called Ermac a leftover. I couldn’t agree more.

sirtmagus: Truer words.

JohnnyMora: And god, Sonya, get better self-esteem.

sirtmagus: That’s her journey, man.

JohnnyMora: You’re hot AND are saving the world. You have a lot going for you!

JohnnyMora: lol

sirtmagus: Ehh, Bridgitte What’s-Her-Face was better.

JohnnyMora: It’d be funny if when Khan uselessly cracked his neck that he broke it.

sirtmagus: LOL

sirtmagus: If Kojima made this.

JohnnyMora: If Kojima made this, Jax would be the head of DARPA.

sirtmagus: 030

JohnnyMora: Why isn’t Khan killing LIU with his punches?

sirtmagus: Shao Khan is poor man’s Clancey Brown I finally realized.

JohnnyMora: Yup

sirtmagus: Really really poor man.

JohnnyMora: Was Clancy REALLY too expensive?

sirtmagus: It would’ve been a Highlander reunion.

sirtmagus: Which is FINE BY ME.

JohnnyMora: Or were they worried he’d be too depressed that Lambert wasn’t there?

sirtmagus: :(

sirtmagus: That must be it!

sirtmagus: These fights. Are so namby-pamby.

JohnnyMora: LET’S NOT SHOW SINDEL’S HAIR POWERS OR ANYTHING

JohnnyMora: In the game, weren’t Jax’s arms AMPUTATED?

sirtmagus: I think so.

JohnnyMora: Not just covered with a cybernetic coating?

sirtmagus: He’s shedding his technological bonds, like Skywalker shutting off his nav computer.

sirtmagus: It MEANS SOMETHING.

JohnnyMora: He can predict your tail attack, Motaro. Just saying.

JohnnyMora: So

JohnnyMora: What is Ermac’s power?

sirtmagus: “YEAHH.” Jax is by far the best character here.

sirtmagus: Red.

JohnnyMora: LOL

JohnnyMora: no one help liu kang save the day or anything.

JohnnyMora: OH DEAR

JohnnyMora: A PAY-OFF

JohnnyMora: A really gay pay-off.

sirtmagus: Yeah, real impressive, Shao Khan.

JohnnyMora: oh jesus

JohnnyMora: this CG is awful

sirtmagus: Stephen Sommers watched this

sirtmagus: and knew he had to make Van Helsing.

sirtmagus: He was in awe.

JohnnyMora: And exactly what every MK fan back then was hoping for.

sirtmagus: LOL

sirtmagus: YEAH

sirtmagus: REMEMBER

sirtmagus: IN THE GAMES

sirtmagus: HOW YOU COULD TURN INTO DRAGONS

JohnnyMora: TWO CG MONSTERS

JohnnyMora: FIGHTING

sirtmagus: AW MAN

JohnnyMora: IT DIDN’T GET BETTER

sirtmagus: I LOVED TURNING INTO A DRAGON IN MORTAL KOMBAT

JohnnyMora: Did you? :3

sirtmagus: I could FEEL my animality.

JohnnyMora: Did you like… Friendships?

sirtmagus: who didn’t? :3

…

PART 9

…

sirtmagus: GO PART 9

JohnnyMora: I liked completely subverting the game’s intent.

JohnnyMora: And giving the opponent flowers or some shit.

JohnnyMora: NOT SO FAST, ELDER GOD

sirtmagus: I admit, that was a stroke of genius.

JohnnyMora: yes

JohnnyMora: the

JohnnyMora: SONG

sirtmagus: YEAH.

JohnnyMora: PEOPLE FLYING AT OTHER PEOPLE

sirtmagus: You KNOW a movie’s serious when the THEME SONG kicks in.

JohnnyMora: THIS KOMBAT SURE IS MORTAL

JohnnyMora: And short-lived.

sirtmagus: oh lol NEVERMIND

sirtmagus: He just STOMPED the song OUT of him!

sirtmagus: Oh, there it is again.

sirtmagus: Awkward sound editing.

JohnnyMora: Everyone’s just sitting back and watching this. Why?!?!?!

sirtmagus: It’s the last fight! And it’s actually kind of… a fight!

JohnnyMora: Ehhh

JohnnyMora: Let’s not overreact.

sirtmagus: It’s the most fight this movie’s had.

JohnnyMora: ….

JohnnyMora: WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO HIS DAD

sirtmagus: LOL

sirtmagus: He folded…?

JohnnyMora: He got sealed away into an interdimensional storage locker.

JohnnyMora: OH, HEY, BUDDHISTS

JohnnyMora: THIS MOVIE’S SORTA ASIAN, REMEMBER?

JohnnyMora: lol

JohnnyMora: All military personnel high-five.

sirtmagus: Of course!

JohnnyMora: And their week is our 80 minutes.

sirtmagus: oh god

sirtmagus: KILLER INSTINCT CROSSOVER

JohnnyMora: HA

sirtmagus: It’s Inferno and…..

sirtmagus: ..uhh

sirtmagus: WATER…O.

JohnnyMora: slippery

JohnnyMora: I feel so, so sorry for Sonya’s actress.

JohnnyMora: Having to look elated.

sirtmagus: Oh wow, it’s like

sirtmagus: Rayden has a new family.

sirtmagus: !!!!

sirtmagus: WHAT DID I SAY

JohnnyMora: These reaction shots are beyond lame.

sirtmagus: MK has always been about traditional family values.

JohnnyMora: THAT WASN’T EVEN REALLY AN ENDING

JohnnyMora: Man.

…

…

Reminiscing over the Mortal Kombat phenomenon and 90s nostalgia:

…

…

JohnnyMora: This movie was an utter waste of everyone’s time.

JohnnyMora: Audience and staff included.

sirtmagus: They couldn’t be bothered with an ending. Or a story.

sirtmagus: There were 900 characters to squeeze in 85 minutes.

JohnnyMora: The silly cartoon was better than this. And the cartoon made the US Darkstalkers look like Macbeth in comparison.

sirtmagus: There were, like, 8 cartoons.

sirtmagus: I remember a 3D one.

JohnnyMora: That one was just on that promo VHS.

JohnnyMora: That came with KOMBAT KODES.

JohnnyMora: [turns into Ultimecia]

sirtmagus: !!

JohnnyMora: So, yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I was a big MK fan back in the day.

JohnnyMora: I lived and breathed it.

JohnnyMora: I HAD to have every game.

sirtmagus: Hey. I’m guilty too.

JohnnyMora: Is that what it is? Guilt?

sirtmagus: No way!

sirtmagus: It’s appropriate.

sirtmagus: I’m growing nostalgic of the 90s as of late.

JohnnyMora: What a weird decade.

sirtmagus: I’m worried because there are still so many 80s movies to relive and discover.

JohnnyMora: And MK is sort of a…

JohnnyMora: whatchamacallit

JohnnyMora: A sign of the times?

JohnnyMora: I mean, no more Ms. Pac-Man.

JohnnyMora: Now there’s MARIO BROS. MOVIES

JohnnyMora: AND DIGITIZED VIOLENCE

sirtmagus: Yeah, I suppose. Violence. Millenial ANGST.

JohnnyMora: AND CRYSTAL PEPSI

sirtmagus: POGS.

sirtmagus: BART SIMPSON.

JohnnyMora: ROLLERBLADES

sirtmagus: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. GANGSTA RAP.

sirtmagus: What a time.

JohnnyMora: Sega in GENERAL.

JohnnyMora: Everyone always knew the best version of MK would be on the Genesis.

sirtmagus: MK was part and parcel of the Sega vs. Nintendo debate!

JohnnyMora: The BLOOD code?

JohnnyMora: I remember hiding it away from my parents so they wouldn’t know the game had blood in it.

sirtmagus: !!!

JohnnyMora: So I could see the stupid meaningless red pixels fly about.

sirtmagus: Somehow my folks didn’t mind.

JohnnyMora: Mine wouldn’t let me watch Simpsons.

JohnnyMora: Back when it had just split from the Tracy Ullman show.

sirtmagus: haha oh man. We watched it before or during dinner.

sirtmagus: My mom would be like “This is so bad” and then Alfred Hitchock or Gilbert & Sullivan would show up and she’d love it.

JohnnyMora: But yeah, I even had the stupid OVA they sold around the time of the first Kombat movie.

JohnnyMora: That had a 3D Goro.

JohnnyMora: And I about shit myself.

sirtmagus: Ah yes.

sirtmagus: I drew.

sirtmagus: All the characters.

sirtmagus: Scorpion was my favorite, natch.

JohnnyMora: Did you draw your own original characters?

JohnnyMora: Why Scorpion?

JohnnyMora: He showed up for like a second in this movie.

sirtmagus: Yellow was/is my favorite color. And he was a ninja, and had a tragic backstory.

JohnnyMora: Was Sub-Zero chasing after him? Is that why he left?

JohnnyMora: … YELLOW?

JohnnyMora: Yellow’s garish. And his stupid ghost backstory was stupid.

sirtmagus: NUH-UH

sirtmagus: Sub-Zero killed his family!!

JohnnyMora: Sub-Zero was the thinking man’s ninja.

sirtmagus: …

sirtmagus: REALLY

JohnnyMora: THAT WAS SUB-ZERO’S OLDER BROTHER.

JohnnyMora: SILLY

sirtmagus: Sub-Zero didn’t even a HAVE brother until MK3 >:

sirtmagus: Retconny bullshit!

JohnnyMora: It was just unspoken.

sirtmagus: That novelization was full of crazy imagery.

JohnnyMora: But man, remember MK2?

JohnnyMora: How SOLID it still felt as a fighting game?

sirtmagus: It still does, at least on SNES.

sirtmagus: It’s fast as hell.

JohnnyMora: WITHOUT a run button.

JohnnyMora: And it had awesome imaginative arenas.

JohnnyMora: Acid pit?

JohnnyMora: COOOOOL

sirtmagus: Scorpion’s hell was cool too!

sirtmagus: And that was in the first movie even!

JohnnyMora: That was in MK3

JohnnyMora: I’m fairly sure?

sirtmagus: MK2 had a bunch of arcade versions.

sirtmagus: I THINK it was in one of the updates.

sirtmagus: But I could be horribly wrong.

sirtmagus: Actually. You could be right.

JohnnyMora: :3

sirtmagus: The first movie coincided with the third game.

JohnnyMora: I was looking at one MK2 stage.

JohnnyMora: And the final part of this movie was actually fairly accurate.

JohnnyMora: Tons of purple and lightning and poor construction.

sirtmagus: If MK is one thing it’s garish.

JohnnyMora: Yeah.

sirtmagus: Just a swirl of hokey ideas.

JohnnyMora: Ed Boon or whoever runs it never really left third grade.

JohnnyMora: Or he has a notebook of fighting game ideas he’s kept since then.

JohnnyMora: Of color-coded ninjas and generic martial arts guys.

JohnnyMora: And now Superman and Batman get to visit them!

sirtmagus: There’s an interview of him on Gametrailers, about the new MK vs. DC game, and what you say actually fits him perfectly.

sirtmagus: And I guess that’s who should be making video games.

sirtmagus: It’s STILL around after all.

JohnnyMora: Yeah, but so is Lara Croft.

JohnnyMora: After HOW MANY awful games?

JohnnyMora: Who keeps buying?

sirtmagus: Apparently she’s had a renaissance of sorts recently but I was never into those games anyway.

JohnnyMora: I mean, people still buy SYPHON FILTER.

JohnnyMora: And CRASH BANDICOOT.

sirtmagus: Wait CRASH is still around?!

JohnnyMora: I guess?

JohnnyMora: So is Spyro.

sirtmagus: They’re so marginal though.

JohnnyMora: And not connected to the movie we just saw :3

sirtmagus: MK and Tomb Raider are still pretty famous.

JohnnyMora: I guess.

JohnnyMora: But why MK?

JohnnyMora: Why did we all pay attention to that fucking waste of bits and film?

sirtmagus: Hmm. I guess it was breaking taboos.

sirtmagus: Mainly BLOOD IN VIDEO GAMES

sirtmagus: The movies are bloodless! Which always bugged me.

JohnnyMora: Yeahhh… hrmmm…

JohnnyMora: But wasn’t this movie PG-13 anyways?!

JohnnyMora: You can get away with a LOT with a PG-13~

JohnnyMora: Like why didn’t Jade’s breasts flop out?

sirtmagus: Yeah that was a huge mistake.

sirtmagus: No fatalities either.

sirtmagus: Did ANYONE die?

sirtmagus: They disappeared off-frame.

JohnnyMora: There was a fatality.

sirtmagus: I mean

sirtmagus: BONES exploding and shit.

JohnnyMora: No.

JohnnyMora: Jade got eaten…

sirtmagus: I think if they ever reboot this series they should go all-out.

sirtmagus: Get Takeshi Miike or someone to do it.

JohnnyMora: And someone got thrown into a pit of fire.

JohnnyMora: HRM

JohnnyMora: Now let’s not get crazy.

sirtmagus: Yeah.

sirtmagus: He’d have Jade shoot milk everywhere.

JohnnyMora: Do you know what you’re ASKING FOR?

sirtmagus: I know very well in fact. }:3

JohnnyMora: He’d have Liu Kang’s cock ripped out and shaved with a meat slicer into very fine pieces with which he’d place delicately on Liu’s tongue and force him to eat. :(

JohnnyMora: I mean, that stuff’s rancid.

JohnnyMora: I don’t want to give Miike a property to let him fulfill every awful masochistic desire, especially one that so casually co-opts Asian culture.

JohnnyMora: If I was Thailand/China/Japan, I’d be piiiissed.

sirtmagus: That’s an interesting thing

sirtmagus: aside: Miike movies, at least none I’ve seen, are so atrocious as that \:0

JohnnyMora: He’s working himself up to it, I’m sure.

JohnnyMora: He has a schedule worked out where he can maximally disturb us as time goes on.

sirtmagus: but MK does have that whole WESTERN APPROPRIATION OF ORIENTALISM thing going on that’s really… well, sorta racist.

JohnnyMora: And is synonymous of Robin Shou.

JohnnyMora: Remember Beverly Hills Ninja?

sirtmagus: Agh. Slightly.

JohnnyMora: The wacky Chris Farley comedy that forgets that ninjas are deceptive, stealthy assassins?

sirtmagus: If it’s not Tommy Boy then I have no idea.

sirtmagus: God, the 90s were odd.

JohnnyMora: Chris Farley’s last movie was a MATTHEW PERRY team-up.

JohnnyMora: But enough of that.

JohnnyMora: What’s our final decision on Mortal Kombat: Annihilation?

…

…

The Final Decision on Mortal Kombat: Annihilation!

…

…

sirtmagus: Hmm. It’s such a harmless dumpster of pre-adolescent fantasy (ninjas! dragons! boobs! mud on the boobs!) but it’s not even entertaining enough for kids. Or anybody.

sirtmagus: MK fans can’t even be satisfied because none of the lore or relationships are there.

sirtmagus: Like, SUB-ZERO is the most popular guy right? And he FALLS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

sirtmagus: What a fuck-up!

JohnnyMora: I agree. It’s like the director had a list of people and trademarks he had to include and then went about making his stupid little ode to Highlander and his friends’ own shitty martial arts pics.

JohnnyMora: The movie can’t even succeed in being so terrible it’s good.

JohnnyMora: Because it’s even just mediocrely bad.

sirtmagus: Embarrassing even.

JohnnyMora: The most fun bad thing in the movie was the awesomely fake explosion that Sonya and Jax jump away from!

sirtmagus: Sub-Sci-Fi Channel. Like those movies don’t have any pretensions of making money. This movie was released on THANKSGIVING of whatever year it was released.

sirtmagus: I remember because I almost saw it. =\

JohnnyMora: I DID see it.

sirtmagus: Then I came to my fucking senses.

JohnnyMora: Eagerly.

JohnnyMora: And even then I think I knew somewhere in my heart that it was stupid.

JohnnyMora: How could you NOT be disappointed, even with the grade school notebook-come-to-life fantasy of it all?

sirtmagus: Oh definitely. This movie, and Batman & Robin, was around the time I realized there were bad things being made and sold to us and there should… I dunno… be a GROUP of PEOPLE to warn us about them!

JohnnyMora: I seriously think this might be the movie I’m most ashamed to have seen in theaters.

sirtmagus: Really.

sirtmagus: That would be Spice World for me.

JohnnyMora: Worse than Batman & Robin.

JohnnyMora: oh

JohnnyMora: man

JohnnyMora: you had to bring up Spice World.

JohnnyMora: Yeah, I saw that, too.

JohnnyMora: But that was way more fun than this.

JohnnyMora: At least the Spice Girls knew they were retarded and reveled in it.

sirtmagus: I only remember Roger Moore doing a little dance at the end. I think I had chewed my ankles off by then.

JohnnyMora: This movie attempted to put in FRATERNAL ANGST.

sirtmagus: Yeah, they didn’t even USE the games’ story.

sirtmagus: They made their OWN.

JohnnyMora: Their own gay one.

sirtmagus: And it was WORSE!

sirtmagus: How could that HAPPEN?

JohnnyMora: These people were hacks on every level.

sirtmagus: Which is astounding

sirtmagus: coming after Paul Anderson.

JohnnyMora: Like, this movie simultaneously seemed so difficult and so lazy.

sirtmagus: It’s obvious studio puke.

sirtmagus: So I guess that doesn’t make it harmless.

JohnnyMora: No, this is precisely the movie we are against! To hell with thee, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation!

…

…

Writing a Blog for a Year

…

…

JohnnyMora: Speaking of which, we’ve had a WHOLE YEAR of using the blog to crusade against shit!

JohnnyMora: What do you have to say for yourself?!

sirtmagus: :3

sirtmagus: Well, it keeps my obsessions in check.

JohnnyMora: Does it now?

sirtmagus: I have about a dozen grumps to catch up on, and because of this blog I’m probably seeing way more movies than is probably healthy.

sirtmagus: But it’s great.

sirtmagus: I feel like

sirtmagus: the MOVIE GUY.

JohnnyMora: :D

JohnnyMora: I feel a little bit unproductive, lately.

JohnnyMora: At least comparatively.

JohnnyMora: I need to find something juicy to latch onto and do a grump on.

sirtmagus: Well it helps if you’re jobless.

JohnnyMora: Well, yes.

sirtmagus: Or a life-long college student.

JohnnyMora: But you have schoool.

JohnnyMora: I miss being able to crank out an article every few days like back when I was jobless and depressed.

sirtmagus: We’ve switched roles! :D

sirtmagus: :(

JohnnyMora: I really wish a more regular schedule could be accomplished so people would feel more compelled to visit often.

JohnnyMora: Or would that even work?

sirtmagus: If this was OUR ONLY JOB, perhaps.

sirtmagus: And I’d love it.

JohnnyMora: Man. I don’t know how other people make this shit profitable.

JohnnyMora: Because I WOULD drop everything else in a second if THIS was my job. I love it, too :3

JohnnyMora: Somehow, it just feels better to shout my elitist opinions at people from a blog. |:3

sirtmagus: Yeah. Recently I’ve begun to fret if Shia found this.

sirtmagus: I’d have to take him out to Nobu or something.

JohnnyMora: If Shia found this he’d pout and that’s IT.

JohnnyMora: But hey, I’d love it if Bai Ling saw what I typed about her and CRIED.

sirtmagus: She’s fly to our homes.

sirtmagus: And state her case personally…

sirtmagus: :(

sirtmagus: I also have a ways to go with my writing, I believe. I think I fell into a formula.

JohnnyMora: I don’t know if I’m too proper or too casual.

JohnnyMora: Like, there are articles like FFXII where I almost sound like I’m writing a doctoral thesis and then there’s articles like 28 Weeks Later where I’m nothing but seething RAGE.

…

…

Favorite and Least Favorite Grumps

…

…

JohnnyMora: What’s your favorite and least favorite articles you’ve written?

sirtmagus: hmm.

sirtmagus: I really, really like my Patlabor 2 one.

JohnnyMora: I agree. And it’s a shame, like, no one read it.

JohnnyMora: OR your fabulous SAC grump.

sirtmagus: I sometimes think I went overboard with that, but then I look at it again, and go “Nah, I didn’t go overboard enough.”

sirtmagus: That’s something I could write a book on.

JohnnyMora: And people fucking have.

JohnnyMora: I personally love my FFXII review. I think it, above all other grumps I’ve written, comes closest to getting across how I really feel about the game, along with some good reasoning on why I think the game deserves more credit than it’s given.

sirtmagus: Agreed. When I have trouble convincing anyone of that game’s greatness I point them in the direction of your review.

sirtmagus: I think only you and Jeremy Parish, of all the Internet and print reviews i’ve seen, have captured exactly why that game works so well.

sirtmagus: And on that note

JohnnyMora: I also have a secret love for my Hulk article. {:3

sirtmagus: your Hulk review/analysis has got to one of the — well, yes. |:3

JohnnyMora: For my least favorite, I don’t really like my Pathfinder one.

JohnnyMora: I frequently forget I even WROTE it.

JohnnyMora: But I had to get that off my chest.

sirtmagus: If you didn’t I would have.

sirtmagus: I’m kind glad you took the burden. {:3

JohnnyMora: And I’m so jealous you got to do Funny Games, you bastard.

sirtmagus: Hey, I skipped class to see that one. I couldn’t wait.

sirtmagus: I’m sorry I cheated.

JohnnyMora: {:3

…

…

The Final Word: Writing as a Learning Process, Douchebaggery, Looking to the Future

…

…

JohnnyMora: So what have you learned, either about grumping or about watching movies, since this little endeavor began?

sirtmagus: Hey, I didn’t say what article of mine I dislike.

sirtmagus: And that’s a toss-up between Ratatouille, Superbad and the latest one for American Gangster.

sirtmagus: Mainly I worry I missed the mark in some way.

JohnnyMora: {:c

JohnnyMora: ok, now answer the other :3

sirtmagus: That ties into my answer actually. Writing’s tough. Getting my thoughts down clearly and succinctly, so they can be read and understood, I think that’s really difficult.

sirtmagus: Like “Am I making ANY sense here?”

sirtmagus: Plus I’ll make all these references to other things – I’m a big fan of intertextuality, relating things to everything else – and I’ll wonder “God, I’m being such an academic douche.”

sirtmagus: Like “Fuck this guy, Mr. Smartypants.”

sirtmagus: and they’ll click away and read IGN reviews.

JohnnyMora: I agree.

JohnnyMora: Sometimes I wanna whip out a reference and then ask myself, “is that a douche move?”

JohnnyMora: But maybe we shouldn’t worry about that and hope that our readership can rise to the level of intellectualism that we expect from them. :)

sirtmagus: I think I link to that Crispin Freeman discussion in one of my Hellsing reviews.

sirtmagus: He’s a peach, that one.

JohnnyMora: So, think this crazy blog thing can work?

JohnnyMora: IS working?

sirtmagus: I like to think so.

sirtmagus: I’m really REALLY looking forward to this summer’s crop. }:3

JohnnyMora: Oh, definitely.

JohnnyMora: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, all the way.